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Doing A Solid For EA: Promoting Dead Space 3's Awesome Story (SPOILERS)

It came to my attention that while Dead Space 3 was listed as the top dog in sales it is, however, doing less than stellar compared to Dead Space 2. So to correct this injustice I've taken the liberty of throwing EA a bone in hopes to drum up sales and show you people just how amazing Dead Space 3 really is. And what better way than to tell you its incredible story that will no doubt urge you all to buy not just one copy, but all the copies.

After the woman he risked his life to save abandons him to go on a quest he inevitably gets dragged into, Isaac is back to help put an end to the Markers chaos once and for all. Told his ex-girlfriend has gone missing as everything starts going to hell around him, Isaac will once again become the hero this series demands him to be, whether he likes it or not, as the players asks themselves, “How did Carver sneak into Isaac’s apartment without Isaac noticing when the sound from the only way inside clearly grabs his attention before it’s even finished opening”?

Join those that held their breath as they watched Isaac put his helmet on to protect him from the vacuum of space IN SPACE.

Meet the eldest of the group as nobody tosses him a Med Pack when clearly he’s in dire need of medical attention.

Witness Isaac, the engineer, piloting the CMS Crozier instead of Ellie, the Class IV Heavy Equipment Pilot, when it comes time to fly down to Tau Volantis, and it crashes.

See Buckell’s final moments 3 times the length (40 seconds) of any face to face conversation Isaac has with him. Which isn’t saying much considering he only talks to him in person twice, because the game doesn’t need an old engineer trying to steal the spotlight who was once in a secret Marker Ops program nobody has ever heard of as he bleeds to death when it already has a younger and more experienced engineer who downloaded information of the Markers into his brain by jamming a needle into his eye.

I hope he didn’t get tetanus from that.

Engross yourself in the budding bromance between Isaac and Carver.

Get to know Santos as she fills the vital role for most of the game as being the one person who actually reads books in a totally digital future.

Pretend to be surprised when it’s discovered the cowardly douchebag of a captain who bitches about being asked to perform the most simplest of tasks, like flipping a switch, has betrayed everyone by informing the psychopath who just wiped out an entire planet’s government and moon colony where they are so he can trade Isaac for a getaway shuttle, because he only has the best intentions for Ellie’s safety in mind.

Your jaw will drop in amazement as Isaac pulls an occupied elevator up by himself and single handedly stalls an elephant sized Necromorph from pulling Santos to her death, rather than use that herculean strength to leap over and punch it in its Necrotaint. Or, you know...

But later has trouble pulling Carver up after falling off an edge.

Be there when Ellie defends the need for Isaac to Norton as being crucial to the mission, but claims Isaac has sabotaged the mission after killing Norton, the captain who did nothing but bitch, even though it was already explained to her that Norton betrayed them and tried to kill Isaac.

What were her last words to Norton before he was killed?

“And, Ellie…” — Norton
“Yeah?” — Ellie
“I love you. You know that, right?” — Norton
“What? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Isaac, meet us at the cliff!” — Ellie

Endure as the game trolls Carver with false hope that he and Isaac will be together when it looks like Ellie dies, but then unexpectedly reveals her to be alive and as Danik’s prisoner.

Prepare your faces to be palmed as Carver hands the key to the safety of all humanity over to Danik for Isaac’s obsession with Ellie and basically contradicting his previous comments about not letting them get in his way of stopping the Markers.

Hold back your tears when Isaac and Carver defeat a Necromorph the size of a moon and fall from an extreme height with the dead creature barreling down on top of them.

Uncover the mystery as to how they survive with an explanation so inane it's ripped straight out of a Giorgio A. Tsoukalos meme.

They set off on a mission to save humanity from the Markers…

What they ended up unleashing...

Was far worse…

From the publisher that brought you SimShitty and the writer who went on to do Army of Two: The Devil's Cartel comes a Co-op videogame with the option of Single Player literally begging for the sales numbers the Resident Evil franchise has that will leave people feeling like it’s the best yet so long as they don't think about the plot.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take the barrel full of money that EA didn't pay me to write this and be on my merry way.

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About Alder B Dashone of us since 5:57 PM on 02.06.2013

First of all, I’m a guy.

I love video games, obviously. I also like long walks on the beach, stopping to smell the roses, and watching anything from deep and meaningful to childishly stupid and comical. And despite popular belief I expect dinner and a movie first before we start discussing what safety words I’ll need to use. I also enjoy a bit of manga and anime.

With a loving family, yet little parental supervision, I grew up watching tv shows and movies I most likely shouldn't have giving me a nearly unfiltered since of humor.

I don't facebook. I don't twitter. If there is some other face-twit thing out there and you are curious to know if I may be on that, the answer in no. I know, I know, you’re disappointed. I get that. It's just something that isn't going to change.