In light of recent litigation that has been brought to my attention, I felt that it is my role as the webmaster of this video game site to announce the following change in user policy for the safety of those impressionable minds that may find this filthy breeding ground of deviants.
Chilluns, heed my warning.
The internet is a dangerous place full of pedophiles ready to rape you at any moment. You've heard the stories -- they're true. Nevermind using your common sense or talking to your parents about responsible use of the internet. The government has deemed that your parents are actually useless bags of flesh and we recognize that it is our burden to be your parents, a task we didn't know we accepted but we'll run with it anyway. The fact of the matter, and what you need to understand today, is that we've taken a survey and at least 99% of our registered members cannot wait to fist you repeatedly in the privacy of our forums. We're not here to talk about the Playstation 3 or Xbox Live. Hell no. That's all Dtoid Army code on how we're going to pelt your pubic area like an exotic chia pet the moment you sign on.
It may be of great disappointment to some of you, but I hereby openly admit that video game sites such as Destructoid, however enticing to your feeble minds, are actually tools created by Satan to get deep inside your anus. Especially if you are a child and live in Texas. We cannot wait to hit that.
Chances are, you're already doomed. Someone should be knocking on your door in a few minutes ready to sodomize you in ways you've never thought imaginable. Like, with celery and plastic dinosaurs from the Mesozoic era.
Destructoid would also like to inform you that the likelihood of coming face to face anus-dwelling ice-cream selling rapists increases by 1400% when creating an account. These are very sick individuals and should be reported to the authorities upon medical removal from your sphincter. In the event that someone has already found their way inside your anus in the last two years and have been living in there without food or water, please bend over and ask their full legal names so that our attorneys can correctly address the welfare checks that your attorney general is so dutifully collecting on their behalf. We'll save him the trouble and shove them straight up your ass!
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Like I said, you should probably start stretching for the epic ass-pounding surely about to come your way any minute. Quick, unplug the computer and hide under your bed and wait for the attorney general's signal and pray, child! Pray hard! While you're down there bless the Cowboys, bless the oil industry that powers our vehicles towards the game retail centers, and write your congressman a letter about putting Dallas back on prime time TV.
Please observe the change in policy and note that Destructoid is now a site published strictly for the use of adult humans and teenage mountain goats with parental permission. By using this site you consent to suffer suffer carpel-tunnel syndrome, declining grades, bad breath, an unhealthy affinity for pizza rolls, and a sharp disposition about what's really going in the video game industry. You might also spontaneously burst into flames.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO REPENT
So heed my warning: unless you're ready to face FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES, do not create an account on Destructoid. Or just ask your parents and make sure it's cool. They can contact me, your humble webmaster (whom is neither a pedophile, colon spelunker, or rapist ... yet), if they have any questions. Seriously though, there's some dark adult humor on this site. If they're not careful you're going to end up sounding like me and scare the shit out of your English teacher and aunties.
Also, eat your fucking vitamins before I also get sued for your Niacin deficiency.