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Assigning New Year's resolutions to major videogame studios

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Check back to see who failed

It's an annual tradition: Making resolutions to kick off the New Year. There's a whole new arbitrary set of twelve months in which to better ourselves. Or, you know, make the same mistakes we made in the last dozen. It's finally time to quit smoking or start going to the gym. Whatever.

Here's a bunch of words about what videogame companies should do to shape up in 2015.

Sony

The PlayStation 4 has all kinds of momentum. It's like a snowball rolling downhill. Just like in the cartoons, it's gradually picking up more and more snow, except in this case the snow is money. It's a runaway snowball made of money and nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Probably.

Never underestimate a videogame company's ability to chew off its own limbs, but Sony has a guaranteed success on its hands. The Vita, though, that thing could use a good kick in the pants.

Resolution: Do something to make people buy a Vita. Something. Anything at all.

Nintendo

The Vita are and Wii U are kindred spirits. Sort of. Sony's portable is a poor, neglected thing, something kept hidden under the stairs, never given a cake on its own danged birthday. Wii U has a better home life than that, one with nice supportive parents, but it's still sitting next to Vita in the corner of the lunchroom at the unpopular consoles table.

Resolution: Do something edgy and hope the popular kids finally take notice. You know you're awesome. You just have to find a way to make other folks realize it.

Valve

Valve marches to the beat of its own drum. It's a videogame company that no longer makes videogames, which turns out to be a remarkable business strategy. It seems dealing in trading cards and virtual hats is a nice way to fill Gabe's swimming pool with doubloons. Still...

Resolution: Shit or get off the pot. Good lord, figure out what the hell you're doing with Greenlight, release Steam Machines already, and maybe put out a god damn videogame this year.

Sega

In fairness, Sega does some good stuff. Alien: Isolation was a nice surprise. Atlus is alive and well. Yakuza 5 is coming westward. Total War is a good time. Hatsune Miku is a bizarre wonder...

Sonic Boom happened, though. Oh boy, did Sonic Boom happen. It's a broken mess and the embodiment of what's plagued the series for years, a symbol of Sega's insecure need to reinvent the wheel for no good reason at all. Stick to what works, Sega. There's no need to be innovative.

Resolution: Stop abusing Sonic and the interminable good will of Sonic fans. Go back to basics.

Microsoft

The Xbox One reminds me of a troubled teenager: twisting in the wind, still trying to find its place in the world. Is it the harbinger of the always-online apocalypse, an all-in-one entertainment hub, or maybe just a plain old videogame machine? Today it's videogames. Tomorrow, well, who knows?

Resolution: Keep concentrating on videogames. Your console is confused and needs focus.

Capcom and/or Square Enix

People are always mad at these guys. Sometimes for good reasons. Other times just because.

Resolution: Do something to engender good will. Maybe stop re-releasing every game ever.

Electronic Arts

Activision was the big evil publisher on the block for a while there. Then EA had its turn. Nowadays, Ubisoft is doing its best Bond villain impersonation, which gives EA a perfect opportunity to worm its way back into our hearts.

It will probably never happen, though. Battlefield Hardline is coming out soon, and, considering the current political climate, a militarized police game has the potential to offend just about everyone.

Resolution: Maybe launch a couple online games with functioning servers.

Ubisoft

Ubisoft is pure evil. We've already established this. It's the black hat desperado, riding into town on a DRM steed, overhyping Watch Dogs with too good to be true E3 footage, and saying inordinately stupid things about how female game characters are too expensive to animate.

It's also the sort of company that releases two Assassin's Creed titles on the same day, saddled with a pathetic attempt to keep potential customers in the dark regarding the games' quality and readiness (or lack thereof) for as long as possible. Subterfuge like that is astonishingly disrespectful. Sadly, that sort of behavior just seems to be Ubisoft's modus operandi these days. 

Resolution: Try to be a tad more pro-consumer, Ubisoft. Also, make Beyond Good & Evil 2.

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Kyle MacGregor Burleson
Kyle MacGregor BurlesonWeekend Editor   gamer profile

used to work Now I just hang around and make a more + disclosures


 


 



Filed under... #Capcom #Destructoid Originals #Electronic Arts #features #Microsoft #Nintendo #Sega #Sony #Square Enix #Top Stories #Ubisoft #Valve

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