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The Actual Charlton Heston
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Today is @Xeo's Birthday. And on this special day, he would like "big titty porn" and "heavy metal". I can provide one of those things, bud, and I hope it helps make this day better for you. If you want big titty porn, give @Soulbow your phone number.


Some people paint; some write poetry; others sculpt works of art from marble. Here's what I did last night, to celebrate the arrival of the weekend. Suck on that, Michelangelo, you fucking hack:


Heston Advice for the day: Pizza delivery. It's Acceptable to answer the door without pants on. Also, acceptable to just not answer the door at all, sneak out of the window, and steal the pizza guy's car. Joyrides are the best. Thank me later.


I guess Dere wants to shit on my chest or something, and that some of you miss me. I'm sorry for my absence of late, but, y'all? Chimpin' ain't easy.


Been out of touch for a bit, but I wanted to pop in to wish Wes a Happy Birthday. Missed a few Birthdays in the past, and I feel bad about that, but I'll be God damned if I miss the Birthday of the man who mailed me a plush penis. Happy Birthday, Wes!


I feel like if there is a God, it's trying to tell me that I should never have kids, because my seed will produce the Antichrist. So, who wants me to impregnate them? Because that would be metal as fuck, and I am down to clown in Pound Town.


It's the Holiday season, I'm a bit on the hammered side, and I've never done one of these, ever. So, AMA; 'cause y'all are good people and I'm willing to answer questions. I'm not particularly interesting, but anyone willing to play is welcome to.


Question: does anyone else just eat the entire kiwi? No, this isn't a bad joke about cannibalizing New Zealanders; I seriously just eat the entire kiwi, skin and all. I think I might be a barely-functional idiot who is lucky to be alive, at this point.


Merry Christmas! Y'all are great; I hope your gifts were plentiful. More pressing, I hope that y'all received a lot of love; Games are great and all, but treasure your families: kiss your Ma on the cheek, and shake your Dad's hand. If you're married? Well


As is my wont on Christmas Eve, I will be watching Kurt Russell's The Thing. No, it's not John Carpenter's "The Thing": without Kurt Russell, there is no "The Thing". What are some Holiday traditions you have, D-toid? What fries your bacon on this day?


We're nearing Christmas. After, a new year. I joined D-toid 364 days ago. I hope that I've contributed to what makes this place special, in some way, but more importantly, I hope you guys know how much I love y'all. Shine on, you diamonds. Now let's rock:


Y'all are playing Smash. I'm behind the times, but I do play the video games! Here's what I'm currently playing. It has the basketballs in it.


I... think I may have found @Occams on Youtube by accident. I don't read comments as a rule, but this was a serendipitous slip of the finger, if so:


Can we all just agree that Flamin' Hot Cheetos are, in fact, weaponized food invented by a Russian spy who was sent here to infiltrate Frito-Lay with the express intent of blowing out my asshole? They're trying to weaken me: they want to get to my rifles.


Fuck ever happened to gravy? That recipe was bullshit; I wanted something simple, but the packet asked for, like, two ingredients? I can't be bothered with that: doing all of that work is boring, and I still have people-meat I have to pour the gravy on.


I'm not dead. As we all know by now, I cannot actually be killed. But I have been busy. Many projects are in the works; namely, I've been fucking apes. Like, a LOT of apes. Also, I'm working on a new type of gunpowder. When you sniff it, you become erect.


Today is the Birthday of @Vesalius! Show some love, folks: each and every one of us are a piece of what makes this place beautiful and special. Now show Vesalius some love. Also, a Birthday taco for you, Vesalius:


Well guys, I've been putting this off for long enough, but it's time: I'm going to go to the Courthouse tomorrow and have my name legally changed to "Tyrannodong." Wish me luck; I don't know how my family will react to this, so close to Christmas...


Barely made it in time for Band of Bloggers; let it not be said that I have terrible taste in music videos, or that I'm bad at writing things at the last second. Wait, never mind: both of those are true. I am ashamed of myself. Oh well. TIME FOR SEX SYRUP


Band of Bloggers: Ape Escape

I have no words, friends. No words. I mean, I have words, but as a legendary actor, I have given myself to the art of being dramatic, and so I am often taken up in its whorls; it pains me to admit this, but I have won two Academy Award...


I would just like to remind everyone that, thanks to @CelicaCrazed, there are new Commandments. Heed them well. For in Siege, there is only darkness; but in Dragon Quest XI? There, my friends, you will find the way, the truth, and the light. Stand fast.


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.