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The Actual Charlton Heston
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So, we fucked up, Dtoid. Regulars Gus and absolutefreak recently had Birthdays (the 28th and the 3rd, respectively), and we didn't say word one. Yes yes, it's "The 4th" or whatever horse shit, but maybe wish 'em both a Happy if belated Birthday. Or else.


Occams, if you marry me I will birth you many children, all of whom will at some point have teeth. Basically, for your Birthday, I offer myself as the launching pad for your very own tooth farm. Just give it some thought, yeah? All I ask. Happy Birthday.


On the subject of Paperback Paradise, here's an old'un, but a good'un. (Note: this does not belong to me and I have never written for or been in any way affiliated with Paperback Paradise). Which of their covers has made you laugh the hardest, Destructoid


Really is so lovely to see everyone's faces. Y'all are beautiful, and it makes things seem a little less claustrophobic and lonely. Stay golden, Destructoid; stay where you are, at this exact moment. I've nearly got a lock on your location.


TIL what the Sonic fandom have been up to (shame on you all), and, seeing as it is technically #ArbitraryMetal/HardcoreTuesday, here's some Enslaved to capture my current emotional state:


I don't know shit about Twitch. But if someone — and it could be anyone — just kept a camera trained on their muffin top while they silently played Mario 64? I'd not only watch it, I'd tattoo it into my mind to later feast upon like ambrosia.


My name is Charlton Heston, and I like playing video games, doing sex, firearms, and playing video games while doing sex with firearms. Please swipe right.


Today, I took one of those Facebook personality quiz thingys. I don't have a Facebook myself, but I'm glad that Facebook acknowledges my grandma is a psychopath.


Birthday shout-out to Wes, who is [REDACTED] today! I'm so glad I got to know you, man. Mostly because I've been rifling through your dumpster and your old clothes fit me, but still. Also I didn't buy you anything. Suck it. And stop touching my sister.


Shoutout to my sexy Secret Santa for the copy of Shadow of the Colossus (PS4) and the pillow case featuring America's sexiest man (Danny Devito). Danny has already seen my dick, and, judging by his grin, he likes the angle of my dangle, y'all.


Happy Thanksgiving, those who celebrate! Just wanted to say that I am thankful for this community; for each of you that help make Dtoid the gloriously weird mosaic that it is. I'm truly blessed to be a small part of this wonderful place. XoXo — Heston


On this day, November the 12th, in the year of our Lord, 2020, I have joined the proud coterie of Switch owners. I know, I know, but please, hold your applause; I put my pants on one leg at a time, same as the rest of you. Game recommendations, please?


Hey, it's Kevin and Sam's Birthdays. I can't just plaster a dick pic on Qtoid, but know that I wanted to; I'm sorry that your Birthdays are now ruined. Try to make the best of them regardless!


Footjobs: a very specific fetish or the cheapest, most effective way to get your heels and arches done? Discuss. Or don't; just know that one is definitely cheaper. And the bottom of my feet glisten like the placid, dignified waters of Lake Erie.


Am stoned. Es ist sehr gut. Send chicken wings. Actually, just send an entire live chicken. Chickens are hilarious; gonna name him Stanley.


Considered not wishing you a Happy Birthday, Mike, because Anthony promised me nudes of Mario Batali if I did not. He failed to deliver. Happy Birthday, man. You're a huge part of what makes this place what it is, and I'm proud to know such a fine man.


Unpopular Opinion: Hideo Kojima looks like his penis smells heavily of fresh-squeezed lemons. Unfounded Assertion: He has named his penis Lemon Drops. Outright Calumny: He screams "Lemon Drops" mid-coitus. Also he fucks his own couch.


Fuck "The Batman", where's my gritty reboot for this shit? And Passion Of The Christ doesn't count: Mel Gibson is Australian, Jim Caviezel is an automaton, and your mother is a terrible at giving head. That's in 1 Corinthians, don't dispute me.


PB&J eaters of dtoid! Which one of you would be willing to lend me $10,000 for an unrelated life-or-death emergency that may or may not involve unpaid debts to a very angry Jason Statham? My Oscar for Best Actor will be collateral. I'm good for it!


I love you Dtoid, and I missed you. Embrace me, and bury your collective faces into my hairy, moist Heston bosom. It's warm and safe there, and all of your worries will melt away like the stick of butter that I spread generously over it. Also some thyme.


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.