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The Actual Charlton Heston
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Shoutout to my sexy Secret Santa for the copy of Shadow of the Colossus (PS4) and the pillow case featuring America's sexiest man (Danny Devito). Danny has already seen my dick, and, judging by his grin, he likes the angle of my dangle, y'all.


 
 
 

Happy Thanksgiving, those who celebrate! Just wanted to say that I am thankful for this community; for each of you that help make Dtoid the gloriously weird mosaic that it is. I'm truly blessed to be a small part of this wonderful place. XoXo — Heston


 
 
 

On this day, November the 12th, in the year of our Lord, 2020, I have joined the proud coterie of Switch owners. I know, I know, but please, hold your applause; I put my pants on one leg at a time, same as the rest of you. Game recommendations, please?


 
 
 

Hey, it's Kevin and Sam's Birthdays. I can't just plaster a dick pic on Qtoid, but know that I wanted to; I'm sorry that your Birthdays are now ruined. Try to make the best of them regardless!


 
 
 

Footjobs: a very specific fetish or the cheapest, most effective way to get your heels and arches done? Discuss. Or don't; just know that one is definitely cheaper. And the bottom of my feet glisten like the placid, dignified waters of Lake Erie.

 
 
 

Am stoned. Es ist sehr gut. Send chicken wings. Actually, just send an entire live chicken. Chickens are hilarious; gonna name him Stanley.


 
 
 
 

Considered not wishing you a Happy Birthday, Mike, because Anthony promised me nudes of Mario Batali if I did not. He failed to deliver. Happy Birthday, man. You're a huge part of what makes this place what it is, and I'm proud to know such a fine man.


 
 
 

Unpopular Opinion: Hideo Kojima looks like his penis smells heavily of fresh-squeezed lemons. Unfounded Assertion: He has named his penis Lemon Drops. Outright Calumny: He screams "Lemon Drops" mid-coitus. Also he fucks his own couch.


 
 
 

Fuck "The Batman", where's my gritty reboot for this shit? And Passion Of The Christ doesn't count: Mel Gibson is Australian, Jim Caviezel is an automaton, and your mother is a terrible at giving head. That's in 1 Corinthians, don't dispute me.


 
 
 
 

PB&J eaters of dtoid! Which one of you would be willing to lend me $10,000 for an unrelated life-or-death emergency that may or may not involve unpaid debts to a very angry Jason Statham? My Oscar for Best Actor will be collateral. I'm good for it!


 
 
 
 

I love you Dtoid, and I missed you. Embrace me, and bury your collective faces into my hairy, moist Heston bosom. It's warm and safe there, and all of your worries will melt away like the stick of butter that I spread generously over it. Also some thyme.


 
 
 
 

People are way too bummed out. Let's make some jokes. I promise, it'll be fun. They're just jokes, people. Cut loose. Fart in my butt. Make sweet, tender love to me. Go fucking nuts. Come inside of me. This was the greatest and worst poem e

 
 
 

I am going to watch Rambo: Last Blood, and nobody can convince me that I should not, because fuck you, signed All Of The Bald Eagles.


 
 
 

These goddamn Aliens. This will not stand. The war has only just begun: their corpses will be piled on a mound, and on top of that mound, we will erect a second, better Arby's, with new menu items that are probably not Alien flesh. Shut up, it's good.


 
 
 
 

Pictured: the birth control section of my local CVS. What the hell, people. Now I can't wipe, OR fuck? You can't take both from me. I'm about to go Taxi Driver: shitting in public areas without wiping, and fucking without jimmies on, also in public.


 
 
 

#TerribleTake I played the Dynasty Warriors 9 Demo for over 16 hours. I did not at any point think that I should stop; I did not want to stop. The demo's missing features. Still over 16 hours. I accept my exile with what little dignity I have left.


 
 
 
 

Thanks for the package, Wes. The $20 in postage was well spent. Sending you nudes in return.


 
 
 

I don't do politics, it's not really my bag, but every time I catch a glimpse of a Democratic debate, all I can think is, "Why is Larry David yelling at that wizard mummy?" I think I've really nailed politics.


 
 
 

I am about to fuck up this entire chicken. In one sitting. For America and for Jesus. Alea iacta est, dulce periculum.


 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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