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The Actual Charlton Heston
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My phone didn’t ring once while they were casting this Mario shindig. Not. Fucking. Once. What the hell, Nintendo. I bring class, charisma, and undeniable sexual magnetism to any project I’m involved with. You’ll rue this; you’ll ALL rue this.


 
 
 

Harpy Borjday to Ravenclaw, a swell and sweet fella who deserves the best things in life. On that note, I wrote and will now perform this original piece, in honor of your special day. Mazel tov and l’chaim!


 
 
 

Ol’ Heston plays & enjoys video games (it’s true!), but it’s been a while since his frugal (some say miserly) ass has bought one. Battle Brothers, Switch. Any thoughts on it? Kisses? Bonerjams? Is that you, Pop-pop? Stay away from my berry preserves


 
 
 
 
 

Y'all need to stop getting older. Honky Bartday, Chrono! Kiss Jesus for me when you see him!


 
 
 
 

I'd like to sincerely thank y'all for the Birthday wishes today, from the bottom of my Heston heart. Dtoid has been a home to me for years now, and y'all are an online family. I treasure this place and you folks. So, again, thank you all. XoXo, Heston


 
 
 

Happiest of Birthdays to TheIntern! You've always been a cool and chill dude in every interaction we've had, with a great sense of humor. I hope this day finds you blessed to the tits, cranked to the nines with joy, and gleefully nude.


 
 
 

Made nachos last night: havarti cheese sauce, tomatoes, onions, guac, three bean; an earth-shaking orgasm; the heavens themselves parting, God smiling down on me, telling me I am His beloved son, and in me He is well pleased. Would recommend making.


 
 
 

Playing through Shenmue 3 because my time is not precious, or valuable. Now, I've docked the good ship Heston in many dilapidated, unkempt, crab-infested ports, so far be it from me to judge, but this Ryo fella has... very specific tastes. In ports.


 
 
 

Here is a drawing I made of Sonic in MS Paint. Please stop encouraging Dangus, y'all. We're trying to save him from himself. Forewarning: I'm not an artist.


 
 
 

My name is Charlton Heston, and my skills include gunnery, acting, apes (but they're also humans), acting, peanut butter (eating it, not making it), fluorescent lighting gives me violent, rage-filled flashbacks; and tennis. Please hire me, Linkedin.


 
 
 
 
 

First UnderMine win. Lovely little game, featuring a collection of creatures who are all invited to eat my unwiped ass, die slowly in a shallow pool of acid, and spend an eternity in flayed torment. May they forever be sodomized by a freight train, amen.


 
 
 

DRAGON. QUEST. 12. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHFUCOHFUCOHFUCOHFUCKSHSBS DBFHD


 
 
 

Damn it, Dragon Quest: Your Story. You had me until the final 14 minutes, then you just HAD to go and throw a monkey wrench in everything, cut a hole in my mattress, fill it with feces, and slash my tires.


 
 
 
 

So, we fucked up, Dtoid. Regulars Gus and absolutefreak recently had Birthdays (the 28th and the 3rd, respectively), and we didn't say word one. Yes yes, it's "The 4th" or whatever horse shit, but maybe wish 'em both a Happy if belated Birthday. Or else.


 
 
 

Occams, if you marry me I will birth you many children, all of whom will at some point have teeth. Basically, for your Birthday, I offer myself as the launching pad for your very own tooth farm. Just give it some thought, yeah? All I ask. Happy Birthday.


 
 
 
 

On the subject of Paperback Paradise, here's an old'un, but a good'un. (Note: this does not belong to me and I have never written for or been in any way affiliated with Paperback Paradise). Which of their covers has made you laugh the hardest, Destructoid


 
 
 
 

Really is so lovely to see everyone's faces. Y'all are beautiful, and it makes things seem a little less claustrophobic and lonely. Stay golden, Destructoid; stay where you are, at this exact moment. I've nearly got a lock on your location.


 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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