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The Actual Charlton Heston
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Fuck ever happened to gravy? That recipe was bullshit; I wanted something simple, but the packet asked for, like, two ingredients? I can't be bothered with that: doing all of that work is boring, and I still have people-meat I have to pour the gravy on.

 
 
 

I'm not dead. As we all know by now, I cannot actually be killed. But I have been busy. Many projects are in the works; namely, I've been fucking apes. Like, a LOT of apes. Also, I'm working on a new type of gunpowder. When you sniff it, you become erect.


 
 
 

Today is the Birthday of @Vesalius! Show some love, folks: each and every one of us are a piece of what makes this place beautiful and special. Now show Vesalius some love. Also, a Birthday taco for you, Vesalius:


 
 
 

Well guys, I've been putting this off for long enough, but it's time: I'm going to go to the Courthouse tomorrow and have my name legally changed to "Tyrannodong." Wish me luck; I don't know how my family will react to this, so close to Christmas...

 
 
 

Barely made it in time for Band of Bloggers; let it not be said that I have terrible taste in music videos, or that I'm bad at writing things at the last second. Wait, never mind: both of those are true. I am ashamed of myself. Oh well. TIME FOR SEX SYRUP



 
 
 

Band of Bloggers: Ape Escape

I have no words, friends. No words. I mean, I have words, but as a legendary actor, I have given myself to the art of being dramatic, and so I am often taken up in its whorls; it pains me to admit this, but I have won two Academy Award...

 
 
 
 

I would just like to remind everyone that, thanks to @CelicaCrazed, there are new Commandments. Heed them well. For in Siege, there is only darkness; but in Dragon Quest XI? There, my friends, you will find the way, the truth, and the light. Stand fast.


 
 
 

Alright. Managed to clock in 9 hours of Dragon Quest XI over the weekend; also over a late Monday night. And, y'all? I'm in love. Haven't enjoyed a video game this hard in a long, LONG time. Going to see if I can legally marry it: until death do us part.


 
 
 

IT BEGINS, AND IF THEY FIND MY NAKED CORPSE WITH A PS4 CONTROLLER CLENCHED IN MY HAND, TELL THEM I DIED AS I LIVED: NUDE, BUT HAPPY, AND BLESSED TO HAVE LIVED TO SEE SUCH A DAY:


 
 
 

IT’S HERE. OH MY GOD, IT GOT HERE A DAY EARLY. IT’S STILL THE WEEKEND AND OH MY GOD, I HAVE THE TIME NOW:


 
 
 
 

So many have fallen. So many have been corrupted. Are there none now, who would stand against this wretched tide? Are there none who will stand against a tyrant, and declare with a lion's roar, "No, this will not stand, Soulbow"? Must I stand alone?


 
 
 

Bought this set of Highlander coasters at a thrift store today. Because a fool and his money are soon parted. But let us also remember the words of a certain immortal...




 
 
 
 

This is total bullshit. I'M the one who invented Sexy Yoga. It was 69 years ago to this day, and it got so hot in my yoga studio, the windows steamed up, and then shattered. In winter. Who is this charlatan? Because she is no Charlton. #JusticeForSexyYoga


 
 
 

I'm bringing the word "gnarly" back into common usage, unironically, because it must be so. You cannot stop me: this needs to be done, and I am far too gnarly to be stopped. #gnarly #gnarly #gnarly


 
 
 

Happy Birthday to Chris Moyse: you're a force for positivity, a hell of a writer, and a fine person to boot; also your sideburns are a thing to be envied. May this day find you blessed. You are loved. Also, I'm going to shoot Mark Wahlberg today. For you.


 
 
 

Bought a blacklight to hunt the scorpions in my apartment. I found no scorpions. Instead, I found enough body fluid stains to both give the deceased Jackson Pollock a raging hard-on, and to probably solve a few cold-case files for the FBI. Current status:


 
 
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Halloween, and how to do it correctly

[On this, the most holiest of holidays, I think we all need a good reminder that you can never really eat too much candy. Or take your costume too far. How many people must continue to suffer until we learn our lesson? The Actual Charlton H...

 
 
 

Found my Halloween costume: Lazy Batman. Now, if you'll excuse me, Gotham needs me... To watch it. On Netflix. As I eat peanut butter with my bare hands.


 
 
 

Got home yesterday, and discovered I had no power. All of the food in my fridge and freezer, gone. SOMEBODY flipped the main breaker for my apartment off. Out of 35 other apartments in my building. They claim kids did it. Now Daddy's going child hunting.


 
 
 
 
 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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