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The Actual Charlton Heston
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For anyone who is interested, I will be performing interpretive dance to Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" next Friday and Saturday inside of an abandoned Blockbuster Video, from 4:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Kids get in free; there will be a bouncy castle.

 
 
 
 
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You have a choice. You could go about your usual routine, sure. Or you could watch the opening to Rage of a Ninja (1988) and have a far more blessed day than you normally would've as a result of having done so. It's your life: make the correct choice.



 
 
 
 
 

Don't eat store-bought sushi in Arizona: you'll develop what is known as "psychosis," and be found days after ingestion in a Costco, nude from the waist down, vigorously rubbing free samples into your eyes while loudly declaring your love for Hilary Duff.

 
 
 

I don't want to be controversial, but I can't keep this in any longer: I own a collection of garden gnomes, and I have named each one of them. I am also the reason for the recent rash of cat disappearances in your neighborhood. All of your neighborhoods.

 
 
 
 

Question: What is the worst music video you've ever seen? I'll get us started with this. And yes, I feel bad for this guy, but for shit's sake, it's like the music video equivalent of The Room: I feel bad for all parties involved, BUT I CAN'T NOT WATCH.



 
 
 

One time, I accidentally shat in the wave pool at a water park. I told no one. Whew! Feels good to get that off of my chest: which is, verbatim, what the woman who was struck by my prodigious turd said, after she freed herself from it.

 
 
 

So, I don't really use Facebook often, but I discovered a new(ish) feature while checking in with old friends and family, and found out I can answer questions in order for people to get to know me better. This is going to be fun.


 
 
 

At long last, I have found my God-given calling in this life: the calling of the illegal fireworks salesman/smuggler. Surely I was placed on the Earth for this singular purpose.

 
 
 

I'd like to take this time to say that I'm thankful: thankful to whoever it is that invented yoga pants, and UGG boots. My package has never known such tight support, and my feet have never known such furry comfort. Thank you, my angels. Thank you.

 
 
 

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, where is the next best vantage point to see in to your bedroom window while you're sleeping? Because that tree had a perfect view, and I can't afford night-vision with better magnification.

 
 
 

My recipe for chili: Take a can of pre-made chili, toss a half-block of cheese in there (buy the cheese from Costco, they give you bigger blocks), and then mix a bag of Chili Cheese-flavored Fritos into that mess. After eating, cry yourself to sleep.

 
 
 

If you camouflage yourself appropriately and carry a chloroform rag, you can beat every child in an Easter egg hunt. Be sure to take your winnings back to your windowless van in plain view of every parent.

 
 
 
 
 

If you make new friends, do not attempt to eat them. They will not respond well to it. Follow-up: If you're fast enough, your new friends won't have time to complain about the fact that you are eating them.

 
 
 

Sure, this Passover, you COULD celebrate the traditional way, or wish your Jewish neighbor a happy Passover. OR, you could watch the only movie to have ever been made that actually matters every night until Passover technically ends... On April 7th:


 
 
 

Been trying lately to get a bucket list going, but so far all I have is, "Break out of a Mental Hospital: one week later, break back in to the same Mental Hospital." I was maybe going to add, "Get in to a fistfight with Gandalf," but he'd kick my ass.

 
 
 

Life Advice: If you have a roommate, take a minor conflict between the two of you and intentionally escalate it into full-blown violence. Do this twice a week for catharsis. Also so that you can get on COPS.

 
 
 

I'm going to start drawing and writing my own comic. I will call it "Almonds", and it will be a direct rip-off of "Peanuts" in every way save for one: The characters (Charlie Brown, Snoopy, et al) will be allergic to peanuts. I anticipate a 20-year run.

 
 
 

At some point, I really do need to sit down and finish my screenplay. The film poster alone will probably clean house at the Oscars; this is clearly my Golden Ticket.


 
 
 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, y'all! I'd advocate for responsible drinking, but I'm personally going to get tore up from the floor up (starting now), so I'll spare y'all the hypocrisy and instead post a video completely unrelated to the holiday:



 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

 
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