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The Actual Charlton Heston
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Hamburger Helper: totally false advertising. It didn't help at all when I was trying to fix my stove, and it did not help when I burned myself trying to fix the stove and then generously applied it to the burns. I've been sold 39 boxes of lies.

 
 
 

I just got my blood test results back from my doctor, and as it turns out, I am technically one quarter Shetland pony, 2 quarters grain alcohol, and surprisingly, one quarter funk. And my vitamin B-12 count is normal.

 
 
 
 

Ostensibly, today is President's day. (Time and space are both a mystery to me, but my calendar says it is, so whatevs) Related, here is the President of my heart:


 
 
 

At my funeral, I want my casket to also be used as the buffet table. If you freeloaders want shrimp, you're literally going to have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.

 
 
 

You know all of those rules and adults warning you to not shoot BB guns indoors? They were all wrong.

 
 
 
 

Singing this song to my cat is probably the best thing any person could do on a Valentine's Day: (She was entranced by my singing, BTW. My pipes are as rocking as Richard Marx's hair)



 
 
 

My name is The Actual Charlton Heston and I like to eat mashed potatoes and gravy with my bare hands while I watch cartoons because I am a toddler.

 
 
 

I got a cat recently. That's the end of the story. I needed dinner, and you've all done worse things than that.

 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017