Is it illegal to jerk off while on a roller coaster if you're riding in the very back by yourself, and you finish before the ride does?

As a reminder, #HelpMike. I'll spam this all week if I have to until you fuckers pony up. Also, @Boxman214 is retiring from the BOB team. Give him a proper send-off: write a blog in his honor. And I will fight anyone who does not help Mike. That is all.

The Early History of Video Games, by Charlton Heston

#SexySunday This was sadly the only pic I could find of @Wes on my hard drive, but it certainly makes my drive hard, and as a bonus, we have our boys @Soulbow and @Dere to make things... girthier. And some other jackass, I dunno who he is. Fuck that dude.

I have now watched the new trailer for Doom Eternal 10 times since yesterday. I need this game like Guy Fieri needs a bucket of deep-fried cookie dough. Someone please put me in a coma until November, and play this song into my headphones 24/7:

#TotallyTubularTracksThursday Because I hate to see my boy out there, all on his lonesome, trying to start a new trend. It's like watching a child who can't swim flail around in the deep end of a pool when there's no Lifeguard on duty.

@Soulbow and I are about to play Dauntless together. Pretty sure this is an elaborate scheme to suss out my address so he can kill me in my sleep; despite my suspicions, this marks the first time that Soul and I have played a game together. Wish me luck.

This one is for you, @PhilKenSebben. I love you like a goat loves... pretty much anything it can eat or hump.

Hurry it up, you sons of goddamn whores: daddy is hungry, hasn't had junk food in a while, and is ready for some shitty pizza and wings; the longer I wait, the shorter the distance I'll give you to run away from my gunfire. We're at 100 yards right now.

This is the vehicle I assume the entire Destructoid community drives around:

Today is Mike's Birthday (the Gundam Fucker, not the Dog Fucker, that's a different Mike) and I feel like we should celebrate the only way he'd appreciate, as he is Canadian. That's right, Torch. Enjoy your country's greatest contribution to mankind:

Heston advice: Everything that works in a video game has a basis in reality. Apropos of that, mushrooms will make you bigger, catching a star does make you invincible, and throwing turtle shells at people in a Whole Foods will get you unjustly arrested.

I just heard through the grapevine last night that Robert Duvall is talking shit about me, and specifically, my epic film, Ben-Hur. So, y'know, if the US Coast Guard picks up a body riddled with bullets within the next few weeks, it was a tragic accident.

Alright. I think it's time that I rejoin high society again (i.e. Dtoid). Things keep me from this place for protracted periods of time. But know that you are all always in my heart. And engraved on my dong. Speaking of my dong, check this out, y'all:

I have decided that if I ever have a standard pick up line for the ladies, it will be, "Do you like soup?" screamed at the top of my lungs, and then I will just run away as fast as I can. I expect that this will get me laid roughly 79 percent of the time.

Qtoid lives. Long live Qtoid. And Jesus. Because Jesus saves. Also, I think this may be my first time posting a meme. You all have ruined me.

So, who among you wants to buy a Cheeto for fifteen thousand dollars? Any takers? It comes with a tote bag, and an official Certificate of Authenticity, I assume. From a person who apparently collects and sells Cheetos, for absurd amounts of money.

Holy shit is Alien: Isolation a good game. My only regret is that it took me 5 years to get around to playing it. I wish I had more time for games, but, y'all? I'm in love. Gif is totally related: always have a flamethrower ready.

Today is a great day for reflection: specifically, reflecting on just how much time and money I've saved by remaining single. Surely this is the greatest gift of all. Happy Valentine's Day, Dtoid. Now, drink in my sexiness. XOXO

Today is @Xeo's Birthday. And on this special day, he would like "big titty porn" and "heavy metal". I can provide one of those things, bud, and I hope it helps make this day better for you. If you want big titty porn, give @Soulbow your phone number.

#WeslikesbunnygirlsWednesday And I regret nothing.

The Top 10 Games You All Played In 2018, And That I Did Not, Because Shut Up

Some people paint; some write poetry; others sculpt works of art from marble. Here's what I did last night, to celebrate the arrival of the weekend. Suck on that, Michelangelo, you fucking hack:

Heston Advice for the day: Pizza delivery. It's Acceptable to answer the door without pants on. Also, acceptable to just not answer the door at all, sneak out of the window, and steal the pizza guy's car. Joyrides are the best. Thank me later.

I guess Dere wants to shit on my chest or something, and that some of you miss me. I'm sorry for my absence of late, but, y'all? Chimpin' ain't easy.