This is the vehicle I assume the entire Destructoid community drives around:

Today is Mike's Birthday (the Gundam Fucker, not the Dog Fucker, that's a different Mike) and I feel like we should celebrate the only way he'd appreciate, as he is Canadian. That's right, Torch. Enjoy your country's greatest contribution to mankind:

Heston advice: Everything that works in a video game has a basis in reality. Apropos of that, mushrooms will make you bigger, catching a star does make you invincible, and throwing turtle shells at people in a Whole Foods will get you unjustly arrested.

I just heard through the grapevine last night that Robert Duvall is talking shit about me, and specifically, my epic film, Ben-Hur. So, y'know, if the US Coast Guard picks up a body riddled with bullets within the next few weeks, it was a tragic accident.

Alright. I think it's time that I rejoin high society again (i.e. Dtoid). Things keep me from this place for protracted periods of time. But know that you are all always in my heart. And engraved on my dong. Speaking of my dong, check this out, y'all:

I have decided that if I ever have a standard pick up line for the ladies, it will be, "Do you like soup?" screamed at the top of my lungs, and then I will just run away as fast as I can. I expect that this will get me laid roughly 79 percent of the time.

Qtoid lives. Long live Qtoid. And Jesus. Because Jesus saves. Also, I think this may be my first time posting a meme. You all have ruined me.

So, who among you wants to buy a Cheeto for fifteen thousand dollars? Any takers? It comes with a tote bag, and an official Certificate of Authenticity, I assume. From a person who apparently collects and sells Cheetos, for absurd amounts of money.

Holy shit is Alien: Isolation a good game. My only regret is that it took me 5 years to get around to playing it. I wish I had more time for games, but, y'all? I'm in love. Gif is totally related: always have a flamethrower ready.

Today is a great day for reflection: specifically, reflecting on just how much time and money I've saved by remaining single. Surely this is the greatest gift of all. Happy Valentine's Day, Dtoid. Now, drink in my sexiness. XOXO

Today is @Xeo's Birthday. And on this special day, he would like "big titty porn" and "heavy metal". I can provide one of those things, bud, and I hope it helps make this day better for you. If you want big titty porn, give @Soulbow your phone number.

#WeslikesbunnygirlsWednesday And I regret nothing.

The Top 10 Games You All Played In 2018, And That I Did Not, Because Shut Up

Some people paint; some write poetry; others sculpt works of art from marble. Here's what I did last night, to celebrate the arrival of the weekend. Suck on that, Michelangelo, you fucking hack:

Heston Advice for the day: Pizza delivery. It's Acceptable to answer the door without pants on. Also, acceptable to just not answer the door at all, sneak out of the window, and steal the pizza guy's car. Joyrides are the best. Thank me later.

I guess Dere wants to shit on my chest or something, and that some of you miss me. I'm sorry for my absence of late, but, y'all? Chimpin' ain't easy.

Been out of touch for a bit, but I wanted to pop in to wish Wes a Happy Birthday. Missed a few Birthdays in the past, and I feel bad about that, but I'll be God damned if I miss the Birthday of the man who mailed me a plush penis. Happy Birthday, Wes!

I feel like if there is a God, it's trying to tell me that I should never have kids, because my seed will produce the Antichrist. So, who wants me to impregnate them? Because that would be metal as fuck, and I am down to clown in Pound Town.

It's the Holiday season, I'm a bit on the hammered side, and I've never done one of these, ever. So, AMA; 'cause y'all are good people and I'm willing to answer questions. I'm not particularly interesting, but anyone willing to play is welcome to.

Question: does anyone else just eat the entire kiwi? No, this isn't a bad joke about cannibalizing New Zealanders; I seriously just eat the entire kiwi, skin and all. I think I might be a barely-functional idiot who is lucky to be alive, at this point.

What's all of this noise about folks getting Christmas cards? What'd I miss?

Merry Christmas! Y'all are great; I hope your gifts were plentiful. More pressing, I hope that y'all received a lot of love; Games are great and all, but treasure your families: kiss your Ma on the cheek, and shake your Dad's hand. If you're married? Well

As is my wont on Christmas Eve, I will be watching Kurt Russell's The Thing. No, it's not John Carpenter's "The Thing": without Kurt Russell, there is no "The Thing". What are some Holiday traditions you have, D-toid? What fries your bacon on this day?

We're nearing Christmas. After, a new year. I joined D-toid 364 days ago. I hope that I've contributed to what makes this place special, in some way, but more importantly, I hope you guys know how much I love y'all. Shine on, you diamonds. Now let's rock:

Y'all are playing Smash. I'm behind the times, but I do play the video games! Here's what I'm currently playing. It has the basketballs in it.