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The Actual Charlton Heston blog header photo
The Actual Charlton Heston
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So many have fallen. So many have been corrupted. Are there none now, who would stand against this wretched tide? Are there none who will stand against a tyrant, and declare with a lion's roar, "No, this will not stand, Soulbow"? Must I stand alone?


 
 
 

Bought this set of Highlander coasters at a thrift store today. Because a fool and his money are soon parted. But let us also remember the words of a certain immortal...




 
 
 
 

This is total bullshit. I'M the one who invented Sexy Yoga. It was 69 years ago to this day, and it got so hot in my yoga studio, the windows steamed up, and then shattered. In winter. Who is this charlatan? Because she is no Charlton. #JusticeForSexyYoga


 
 
 

I'm bringing the word "gnarly" back into common usage, unironically, because it must be so. You cannot stop me: this needs to be done, and I am far too gnarly to be stopped. #gnarly #gnarly #gnarly


 
 
 

Happy Birthday to Chris Moyse: you're a force for positivity, a hell of a writer, and a fine person to boot; also your sideburns are a thing to be envied. May this day find you blessed. You are loved. Also, I'm going to shoot Mark Wahlberg today. For you.


 
 
 

Bought a blacklight to hunt the scorpions in my apartment. I found no scorpions. Instead, I found enough body fluid stains to both give the deceased Jackson Pollock a raging hard-on, and to probably solve a few cold-case files for the FBI. Current status:


 
 
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Halloween, and how to do it correctly

[On this, the most holiest of holidays, I think we all need a good reminder that you can never really eat too much candy. Or take your costume too far. How many people must continue to suffer until we learn our lesson? The Actual Charlton H...

 
 
 

Found my Halloween costume: Lazy Batman. Now, if you'll excuse me, Gotham needs me... To watch it. On Netflix. As I eat peanut butter with my bare hands.


 
 
 

Got home yesterday, and discovered I had no power. All of the food in my fridge and freezer, gone. SOMEBODY flipped the main breaker for my apartment off. Out of 35 other apartments in my building. They claim kids did it. Now Daddy's going child hunting.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Happy Birthday, Mike! I've nothing clever to say, so I'll be real with you: you are, by far, the only person on this website who I would double-team a dog with. Specifically, this dog, who I adopted for this special day. His name is Wrinkles. I love you.


 
 
 

Was sleeping on the edge of my bed when an Amber Alert went off on my phone. Rolled out of bed and face planted on my nightstand. My cheek is split open and I look like I just fought several hobos. Need weekend now. Current status:


 
 
 

#HappyNationalTacoDay! Take a moment to reflect on what is the start of a new year for many of us. And let us all, as one, remember the day that Wes stole all of the tacos because he hates Taco Day like the Grinch hates Christmas. He must be stopped.


 
 
 

I don't celebrate Halloween; I don't like a bunch of kids knocking on my door and waking me from my stupor. But I DO celebrate Sober October, in that I start drinking double what I usually would, every day, out of spite for the very idea of Sober October.


 
 
 

Sometimes I play video games. Hush now, I know it will be considered scandalous, but I must air this grievance: what the fuck was up with Custer's Revenge? I tried using my "joystick controller," but nothing happened besides 19 minutes of clean up.


 
 
 

I'm going to give a big Community shout out to @Soulbow, who recently broke the world record for "Most Compact Discs Shoved Up His Own Ass" with his record-breaking 91 copies of Rainbow Six Siege. Well done, man. You did us all proud.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Well, I feel a little funny doing this; after all, I'm legally dead. But this'll be my 100th post, and I guess I'm supposed to commemorate that? It's been a ride, Destructoid. Here's to a few more rides. Now kindly lay your head on my lap: it's go time.


 
 
 

Turns out, butt plugs are irretrievable if you don't tether them. Someone please call an ambulance so they can fish these 15 separate Optimus Prime Hot Wheels out of my cousin's ass.

 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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