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The Actual Charlton Heston
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I'd like to sincerely thank y'all for the Birthday wishes today, from the bottom of my Heston heart. Dtoid has been a home to me for years now, and y'all are an online family. I treasure this place and you folks. So, again, thank you all. XoXo, Heston


Happiest of Birthdays to TheIntern! You've always been a cool and chill dude in every interaction we've had, with a great sense of humor. I hope this day finds you blessed to the tits, cranked to the nines with joy, and gleefully nude.


Made nachos last night: havarti cheese sauce, tomatoes, onions, guac, three bean; an earth-shaking orgasm; the heavens themselves parting, God smiling down on me, telling me I am His beloved son, and in me He is well pleased. Would recommend making.


Playing through Shenmue 3 because my time is not precious, or valuable. Now, I've docked the good ship Heston in many dilapidated, unkempt, crab-infested ports, so far be it from me to judge, but this Ryo fella has... very specific tastes. In ports.


Here is a drawing I made of Sonic in MS Paint. Please stop encouraging Dangus, y'all. We're trying to save him from himself. Forewarning: I'm not an artist.


My name is Charlton Heston, and my skills include gunnery, acting, apes (but they're also humans), acting, peanut butter (eating it, not making it), fluorescent lighting gives me violent, rage-filled flashbacks; and tennis. Please hire me, Linkedin.


First UnderMine win. Lovely little game, featuring a collection of creatures who are all invited to eat my unwiped ass, die slowly in a shallow pool of acid, and spend an eternity in flayed torment. May they forever be sodomized by a freight train, amen.




Damn it, Dragon Quest: Your Story. You had me until the final 14 minutes, then you just HAD to go and throw a monkey wrench in everything, cut a hole in my mattress, fill it with feces, and slash my tires.


So, we fucked up, Dtoid. Regulars Gus and absolutefreak recently had Birthdays (the 28th and the 3rd, respectively), and we didn't say word one. Yes yes, it's "The 4th" or whatever horse shit, but maybe wish 'em both a Happy if belated Birthday. Or else.


Occams, if you marry me I will birth you many children, all of whom will at some point have teeth. Basically, for your Birthday, I offer myself as the launching pad for your very own tooth farm. Just give it some thought, yeah? All I ask. Happy Birthday.


On the subject of Paperback Paradise, here's an old'un, but a good'un. (Note: this does not belong to me and I have never written for or been in any way affiliated with Paperback Paradise). Which of their covers has made you laugh the hardest, Destructoid


Really is so lovely to see everyone's faces. Y'all are beautiful, and it makes things seem a little less claustrophobic and lonely. Stay golden, Destructoid; stay where you are, at this exact moment. I've nearly got a lock on your location.


TIL what the Sonic fandom have been up to (shame on you all), and, seeing as it is technically #ArbitraryMetal/HardcoreTuesday, here's some Enslaved to capture my current emotional state:


I don't know shit about Twitch. But if someone — and it could be anyone — just kept a camera trained on their muffin top while they silently played Mario 64? I'd not only watch it, I'd tattoo it into my mind to later feast upon like ambrosia.


My name is Charlton Heston, and I like playing video games, doing sex, firearms, and playing video games while doing sex with firearms. Please swipe right.


Today, I took one of those Facebook personality quiz thingys. I don't have a Facebook myself, but I'm glad that Facebook acknowledges my grandma is a psychopath.


Birthday shout-out to Wes, who is [REDACTED] today! I'm so glad I got to know you, man. Mostly because I've been rifling through your dumpster and your old clothes fit me, but still. Also I didn't buy you anything. Suck it. And stop touching my sister.


Shoutout to my sexy Secret Santa for the copy of Shadow of the Colossus (PS4) and the pillow case featuring America's sexiest man (Danny Devito). Danny has already seen my dick, and, judging by his grin, he likes the angle of my dangle, y'all.


Happy Thanksgiving, those who celebrate! Just wanted to say that I am thankful for this community; for each of you that help make Dtoid the gloriously weird mosaic that it is. I'm truly blessed to be a small part of this wonderful place. XoXo — Heston


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.