I love you all. Except for @Dere. He has failed me in the bedroom for the last time. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, bud. Or do: it'll be the last time anything I've touched spanks your ass.

I wear flip-flops while showering so I can take a piss without getting my feet covered in my own urine. I call them my piss flops; I am unashamed, and you can all go straight to hell, I reject your judgment, you filthy apes. Scrub-a-dub-dub, piss in a tub

Today is Dere's Birthday or something. Who cares. He'll probably shit himself when he blows out the candles. Gif might be related, who cares; I don't give a shit. I hope you at least manage to please your wife, one time today (Happy Birthday, bud!)

I fucking give up. Mike has stabbed me in my dick's heart. You win, @Soulbow. I stand alone. I will hold this bridge until I am cut down in a blaze of glory and desperation. None will remember me. I will fall where I stand, and there my body will remain.

#MikeMondays

Hey guys, check it out! They're giving trash away for free until September 3rd! Grab it while it's still covered in hot garbage juice and rat feces, and be sure to not play it! For every copy downloaded that isn't played, Soulbow loses a year of his life.

Is it illegal to jerk off while on a roller coaster if you're riding in the very back by yourself, and you finish before the ride does?

As a reminder, #HelpMike. I'll spam this all week if I have to until you fuckers pony up. Also, @Boxman214 is retiring from the BOB team. Give him a proper send-off: write a blog in his honor. And I will fight anyone who does not help Mike. That is all.

The Early History of Video Games, by Charlton Heston

#SexySunday This was sadly the only pic I could find of @Wes on my hard drive, but it certainly makes my drive hard, and as a bonus, we have our boys @Soulbow and @Dere to make things... girthier. And some other jackass, I dunno who he is. Fuck that dude.

I have now watched the new trailer for Doom Eternal 10 times since yesterday. I need this game like Guy Fieri needs a bucket of deep-fried cookie dough. Someone please put me in a coma until November, and play this song into my headphones 24/7:

#TotallyTubularTracksThursday Because I hate to see my boy out there, all on his lonesome, trying to start a new trend. It's like watching a child who can't swim flail around in the deep end of a pool when there's no Lifeguard on duty.

@Soulbow and I are about to play Dauntless together. Pretty sure this is an elaborate scheme to suss out my address so he can kill me in my sleep; despite my suspicions, this marks the first time that Soul and I have played a game together. Wish me luck.

This one is for you, @PhilKenSebben. I love you like a goat loves... pretty much anything it can eat or hump.

Hurry it up, you sons of goddamn whores: daddy is hungry, hasn't had junk food in a while, and is ready for some shitty pizza and wings; the longer I wait, the shorter the distance I'll give you to run away from my gunfire. We're at 100 yards right now.

This is the vehicle I assume the entire Destructoid community drives around:

Today is Mike's Birthday (the Gundam Fucker, not the Dog Fucker, that's a different Mike) and I feel like we should celebrate the only way he'd appreciate, as he is Canadian. That's right, Torch. Enjoy your country's greatest contribution to mankind:

Heston advice: Everything that works in a video game has a basis in reality. Apropos of that, mushrooms will make you bigger, catching a star does make you invincible, and throwing turtle shells at people in a Whole Foods will get you unjustly arrested.

I just heard through the grapevine last night that Robert Duvall is talking shit about me, and specifically, my epic film, Ben-Hur. So, y'know, if the US Coast Guard picks up a body riddled with bullets within the next few weeks, it was a tragic accident.

Alright. I think it's time that I rejoin high society again (i.e. Dtoid). Things keep me from this place for protracted periods of time. But know that you are all always in my heart. And engraved on my dong. Speaking of my dong, check this out, y'all:

I have decided that if I ever have a standard pick up line for the ladies, it will be, "Do you like soup?" screamed at the top of my lungs, and then I will just run away as fast as I can. I expect that this will get me laid roughly 79 percent of the time.

Qtoid lives. Long live Qtoid. And Jesus. Because Jesus saves. Also, I think this may be my first time posting a meme. You all have ruined me.

So, who among you wants to buy a Cheeto for fifteen thousand dollars? Any takers? It comes with a tote bag, and an official Certificate of Authenticity, I assume. From a person who apparently collects and sells Cheetos, for absurd amounts of money.

Holy shit is Alien: Isolation a good game. My only regret is that it took me 5 years to get around to playing it. I wish I had more time for games, but, y'all? I'm in love. Gif is totally related: always have a flamethrower ready.

Today is a great day for reflection: specifically, reflecting on just how much time and money I've saved by remaining single. Surely this is the greatest gift of all. Happy Valentine's Day, Dtoid. Now, drink in my sexiness. XOXO