I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

I was looking at myself in the mirror and came to the realization that cremation is my last hope for a smoking body.

What do you call a sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

I'm gonna try a thing. I'm gonna nominate someone and say a nice thing or two about them. That person has to then do the same and so on I nominate Frosty. He's a kind generous soul and I'm glad to have met him both here and IRL. #PositivityForward

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

Happy birthday, lettuce turnip the beet!

What do you call bears with no ears? B

I hate sleeping weirdly. It's a real pain in the neck.

Hey shawty. It’s sherbert day.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Strating Cyberpukn 2077 in a baes ps4 today atfer finally dowlnaoding teh limek 45 GB updtaes. Juts I remember smoe people in reviews gonig nuts that hey doing convesrations adn selecting to tlak to people is so seemless and better thne usula pressa.Waht?

I meant to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but with nothing to light them with. So they throw one overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

I was feeling depressed, so a friend put her hand on my shoulder and said Earth. It meant the world to me.

I’d like to cut back on the Thanksgiving leftovers, but I can’t quit cold turkey.

6:30 is the best time on the clock. Hands down.

I tried picking up Fallen Order again after I stopped playing for a while. As the ever wise Gandalf once said: "I have no memory of this place."

Someone say #caturday?

Where do shellfish go to borrow money? The prawn broker