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$1200 Titan XP video card vs. a video card from 1988

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Irresponsible performance

Don't talk to Bronson Pinchot. Don't cross the street without consulting two gays. Don't Instagram wild animals. Don't work at a video game blog. And never miss your rent payment because you bought a $1200 video card. Especially this one. 

When Nvidia shipped a Titan-killing 1080 Ti for $699 last month, we knew it was only a matter of time before a new king would be crowned. Preorders are now available on the Nvidia site exclusively, and (at the time of writing) the card appear to be ready for shipment within 3 days. 

Specs-wise, there's not a whole lot of exciting news to report. With 3840 cores (the 1080 Ti has 3584) and 12 G5X: only 1GB more of GDDR5X than the Ti with a full 384-bit bus. If you bought this over the GeForce 1080 Ti you'd be getting what, 10-15% more performance for twice the price?  Ouch. Unlike the insane Titan X announcement of 2016, the new Titan Xp is the world's fastest consumer-grade gaming card ever made -- and yet that seems pretty underwhelming. I suppose if you need to power an 8K display, or multiple 4k displays, or if you're launching a nuclear missile at me today. This might be my last article (don't cry for me, Guines!). 

I used to love linking to Motley Fool articles about this stuff, but they now own Nvidia stock while blogging about it, which is ethically vomit-inducing despite disclosures. There's also this hot mess by Goldman Sachs.  Gross.

If Nvidia decided to fast-track shipping faster GDDR6 or Volta-based cards this year it would be a pleasant surprise -- as if the 1080 Ti doesn't already put AMD in a value-minded corner. 

Who buys this stuff, anyway? Chubby asian guys that have life-sized sculptures of Summer Lesson chicks and a warehouse full of bitcoin servers. And somebody totally normal at Blizzard, probably. For the graphics-intensive professionals that don't want to drop $5,000 for a 24GB Quadro P6000, this card is a bargain (or the other card is a ripoff, if your sake cup is half empty) with some obvious tradeoffs. 

I would love to cheer this irresponsible display of raw power, but since it's almost the same price as slinging dual 1080 Ti's on SLI this is hard to recommend. It's too bad the internet is still too slow to remotely rent a thousand of these in a render farm. 

/* rant 

HEY NVIDIA - MEMO: Video cards are still as awkward as they've been since the VESA bus. Even for very capable dorks - why is installing one of your products still such a weekend science project of death? The current video card ownership experience sucks ass.  It's as engaging as changing the oil in a car.  

Look at this wonderfully nostalgic brown piece of shit from 1988. We're grateful for the cool plastic 3d-printed stuff from the 10-series cards, but the ownership experience still has a striking resemblance to my grandfather's video card.  Meanwhile, the corpse of my grandfather can be cryogenically frozen and moved around my driverless Uber vehicles.  Catch my drift? 

What's way, way more interesting is what's going with the eGPU.io movement -- industry professionals that had to get together to fill in the giant hole that's yet to be skillfully implemented by GPU industry. There's a reason why sane people are building ghetto-rigged adapters and full-sized power supplies shoved into shoeboxes that turn five year old computers into UHD-pumping powerhouses.  Thanks to Thunderbolt 3 they're doing it without taking said computers apart. Madness. 

I wish modern video cards were as sexy as Emma Decody's oxygen tank without the stupid proprietary dongles. MSI is at the early stages of something great, and putting this monstrosity around a 1080 Ti for $999 seems like a way more sane investment if I can also use it with my current Macbook Air or my future Xbox Scorpio 2 (I'm kidding on that last point - but a mustached girl can dream). Look at this crazy ugly thing. I've seen tramp stamps classier than this. Say my name, Devil! 

My point is that we already live in Elon Musk's futuristic video game simulation, and if computer makers would stop putting the most powerful and interesting ports in the dark deep hair and roach-filled anus of a computer chassis maybe they might stand a chance to sell a few more video cards. Self-contained water cooled cards are already a thing but they look like something yanked out of an H.R.Giger painting.  Put a leash on your nerds so more humans can use this stuff, like what the completely sane external hard drive market has done. Hard drives, in the early days with moving parts and sensitive needles made even less sense to externalize, and now it's the norm. People never asked for plastic beige computers, either. 

Nvidia, deliver us from the terrible anus. 

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Niero Gonzalez
Niero GonzalezMeat Vessel   gamer profile

I keep Destructoid weird. Also I'm a playable character in Retro City Rampage, look: (along with the whole 2009 Dtoid Editorial team) Sometimes I have a villainous mustache My dog CoCo chec... more + disclosures


 


 



Filed under... #GeForce #Nvidia #Rant #Satire #Titan X #Titan XP

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