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Forgive me father for I have sinned...and watched my first Uwe Boll film

Every year or so, my best friend and I rent movies of highly questionable quality to remind us that we need to better appreciate the really good movies out there. Amongst Superhero Movie, Meet the Spartans (which was much funnier than I expected possibly because I was focusing on the fairly impressive music score), and others, I had the honor of watching my first film by Uwe Boll, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which instantly made me understand why he and his films are so reviled.


The film is a massive mess: a generic story told with an awful script. Almost everything in the movie that was good was obviously stolen from another film (whether that be the action scenes from The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the music which sounded like the music from every single James Horner film, etc). I also remembered laughing my brains out during a scene in the middle section of the film when the main characters (one of them is a farmer named "Farmer") encounter a bunch of Amazonian lesbians in some mystical forest who come down from the trees in the same way the Lost Boys would swing down in some cheap middle school production of Peter Pan.

Given that most of the actors in this film are actually pretty decent, I have to believe that they probably recognized that the film was going to be shit, were in some need of money, and just phoned in their roles. Burt Reynolds either didn't care enough or wins the prize for the worst king in film history. It is amazing how he manages to retain that stupid smirk and look in every single shot of the film no matter what he is doing on screen. I could not stop thinking of the SNL Jeopardy sketches with Norm Macdonald as Burt Reynolds. I also could not help but feel sorry for John Rhys-Davies who probably spent every day of that shoot dreaming of the days when he was playing Sallah or Gimli.

I remember near the beginning of the film, my friend said: "I bet the bad guy kidnaps his son and turns him evil." I think my response was something to the likes of: "I don't think this movie is intelligent enough to have come up with that plotline" and I was right.

So yeah, I now finally understand firsthand the horrors of Uwe Boll and his rape of video games (thank god that he hasn't adapted a game I give a shit about) as well as the feeling of complete disgust from throwing away 2 hours and 10 minutes and $5.95 that I could have better spent buying chocolate and grinding for gold in WoW.

Incidentally, I wonder if Ray Liotta's evil wizard in this film might have actually topped Jeremy Irons' evil wizard in the first Dungeons and Dragons film as being the worst evil wizard in film history.

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About Tascarone of us since 9:27 PM on 03.03.2008

Once upon a time, back in the 8-bit and 16-bit era, I was a "hard-core" gamer. Since that time, a variety of factors ranging from money to college to real life significantly cut into my video game time. Nonetheless, I have always retained my love and interest in video games, although to a lesser extent.

At present, my video game time is generally monopolized by World of Warcraft. I play a troll mage named Moor (WoW Armory profile here) on the Nathrezim server where I am a happy member of the guild Sanity.

Current-generation consoles I own include an XBox 360, a Ps3, a Wii, a Nintendo DS, a PsP, and a PC.

I am a huge fan of video game music. In fact, I confess that many of the games I own, such as the Halo games and Rygar: The Legendary Adventure are in my collection solely because I love their incredible musical scores. I have only been able to attend one VGM event, Video Game Live's New York concert on April 26, 2008 which was an amazing experience.

During middle school and high school, I was inspired to attempt music composition after hearing the reprise of Shadow's theme that appears in the ending of Final Fantasy VI by Nobuo Uematsu and "Angel's Fear" from Secret of Mana by Hiroki Kikuta, an attempt that quickly ended due to my lack of talent with little more to show than a crappy five-song musical. The highlight of my musical career as well as my journey through video game geekdom came during an impromptu musician meet-up at the Otakon anime convention in 2003 in which I had the honor of performing the violin solo in Yasunori Mitsuda's incredible "Scars of Time" from Chrono Cross.

I have been a lurker on Destructoid for some time. I am an especially huge fan of Destructoid's three excellent podcasts, which are not only the best video game podcasts I have heard but amongst my favorite podcasts of all time. I give much credit to these podcasts for bringing about a resurgence in my interest in video games and inspiring me to think more about video games. I also give them special credit for entertaining me during a series of hospitalizations in which the only thing I had for entertainment were these podcasts saved on my Zune.

I was particularly inspired by Podtoid and randombullseye and ended up composing the music to randombullseye's game Bonerquest, my first and last foray into video game composing as I quickly came to realize, as I did back in high school, that I lacked the training and talent for the art. Nonetheless, I am grateful to randombullseye for the opportunity to have contributed to a part of an actual finished product as opposed to the unfinished sketches that populate my desk and computer hard drive.

I love writing and I often find myself discussing and writing about video games on a variety of subjects and contexts. As a high school student, I had great difficulty writing long papers or long articles and so I began to force myself to write as much as possible. By the time I was in college, writing huge amounts of text for both school and school-unrelated purposes became not only easy but rather relaxing and unenjoyable. I therefore apologize in advance because I know that a great deal of my writing will probably be far far longer than what is probably necessary or appropriate. In the past, my writings on video games found themselves in a variety of places ranging from the WoW forums, a text file on my desktop, to my friends' Xanga and MySpace pages and for some time, I have thought about consolidating my video game writing at one place, which is why I am happy that I discovered Destructoid. The Destructoid staff and community have greatly influenced my thoughts on video games and opened my eyes to things that I never saw. I hope that many writing can give a fraction of that inspiration (or at the very least some entertainment) back to the Destructoid community.
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