The Kingdom of Heaven was torn asunder, the nameless one was cast out, landing in a place he made his unholy Kingdom, of which he called Hell. And there was much rejoicing, and more were cast out of the clouds of fortune and tossed onto the battlefields of ancient Earth. Some ascended from this Earth in a vain attempt to once again gather unto Heaven while others still sank into the feted Earth to swell the ranks of crap game characters…
Ahem, after all that pretentious crap here is my introduction to my first ever monthly musing topic. I’m not a religious man, but some people believe in the concept of a nice place called Heaven/Valhalla etc which all the nice people go to, and a nasty place called Hell/Hades/Corby etc where all the evil scum go to. I decided to do a list of 3 characters who have affected me in some way, both good, bad and average characters.
Verse 1 - Heaven And the Lord of Heaven was a Hedgehog, whose skin radiated a golden glow…
Super Sonic – Super Sonic first appeared in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 on the Megadrive. After collecting all the Chaos Emeralds and then collecting 50 rings Sonic could transform into his golden alter ego. His alter ego was permanently fast, permanently invincible, and permanently cool. For Sonic 2 that was it, there was no more to him. It was Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles where the great empowering character of Super Sonic really came alive.
Sonic 3 started with a still Super Sonic flying alongside Tails in his Bi-plane fresh from the ending of Sonic 2. Following the destruction of Dr Robotnik’s Death Egg they followed the wreckages remained to the mysterious floating island where it had crash landed. Ambushed by a deceived Knuckles, Super Sonic drops his Chaos Emeralds thus reverting back to the not as good normal Sonic. The rest of Sonic 3 is a tragic tale of a once invincible Hedgehog having to once again collect the Emeralds to attain the almost drug like addictiveness of the Super Sonic.
The follow on game Sonic and Knuckles finally has you as Super Sonic (or I guess Hyper Sonic) pursuing Robotnik through space ramming the shit out of Robotnik’s desperately retreating Robotnik Robot Mobile ™. The whole last level is absolute bliss as Super/Hyper Sonic totally invincible gave such a sense of absolute empowerment to me as the player. The Series 2, 3 and Sonic and Knuckles is just like one long ‘The Long Good Friday’ for Robotnik as his empire is destroyed before finally Super Sonic disembowels him in the cold harshness of Space. Super Sonic is a legend, and so is my favourite game character of this month.
Verse 2 – Earth Born unto Earth from the descendents of Pong came a warrior of muscle and sword…
I am going to use the character of a warrior. He is utterly generic, and utterly bland. He has no personality whatsoever to talk of, and has appeared in hundreds of games under different names and skins. He is legion, especially in the older generations of games. He was in Gauntlet, Golden Axe, Rastan, Sword of Sodan. He is the generic action hero and is nothing special.
Verse 3 – Hell The master of Hell was quite a plump chap, and quite a dab hand at pumbing…
I hate the character of Mario. In fact I detest the character of Mario. He is ugly, fat, annoying and makes me actually puke up bile just thinking about him. Do not get me wrong – I love the majority of the games he has been in. Most the games are amazing, and wonderful. But him…grr.
I think it was Mario 64 which made me detest him as much as I do now. I first played Mario 64 on an imported Japanese N64 months before the console came out here. I was really impressed. When I actually got a N64 I rushed out and brought Mario 64 right away, even paying £50 for it. I hate that game sooo much! I place the blame squarely on the porky shoulders of the red dungareed monster.
I remember getting really really angry with the game constantly. It wasn’t because I was bad at it, oh no, it was HIM. He purposely misbehaved to make me look like a idiot, leaping off the top of levels I had spent hours climbing, gleefully shouting ‘Wa-ha! Woo-hoo!’ as he plunged to his death. He delighted in dying, so I perfected that into a art, ensuring he was crushed, drowned, burnt to punish him for his new fangled 3D misdemeanours. I do not like him, if I was ever in a room with him you could be sure there would be a palpable feeling of tension between us.
This isn’t an anti Nintendo rant, or even a Mario game rant. I like Luigi, he is great, Luigi’s mansion is great, Luigi is legendry in the Mario and Luigi games. Wario is great, hell, even Waluigi is better than Mario.
It wasn’t the fault of Bob Hoskins that the Mario film was major fail, it was down to his pure hell of having to try to get into the mindset of being a damn annoying unlikable fatman, grr! The warp pipes were blocked, the moustachioed one was trapped for now, the cinders of the flames of Hell having tarnished his golden jumpsuit into a burnt red, his wild blue hypnotic eyes peered over his fat sausage shaped nose at his domain. He upon his throne of Golden Coins surveyed all, and with a smile said unto his followers ‘Itsa me’a Mario!’