Note: I originally posted this a few days ago, but the c blogs hate me and it disappeared from all public sight. Being the attention whore that us bloggers tend to be, I'm reposting it to give it its deserved attention. Or, whatever. (Here is the proposal I discussed on this week's podcast. A little fodder to spark the creativity for all those awesome Sonnets you will write for us next week!)
Turns out that my promotion at my day job from 'Associate Assistant to the Blogosphere' to 'Associate Managing Assistant to the Blogosphere' actually involves a considerably larger load of responsibility. Who woulda thunk.
While I spend half of my work between meetings and product documents, the other half I'm knee-deep in the trenches of Web 2.0, my shins constantly maimed by rounded CSS corners, Helvetica , and unnecessary social networking systems. Michael Arrington
tend to be a relatively dutiful sherpas across the vast frontier of the web business, but even so my mind has gradually become jaded to the newest video conduits
, or the next Twitter
. In other words, Web 2.0 has become awfully tiresome to me.
Which is why today I managed to surface some remnants of Internet elation by pinning my girlish hopes for the web on what's to expect next; the big ol' Web 3.0
. Many have their theories of what 3.0 will entail (something or other about the Semantic Web
, or like, whatever), I personally think that Web 3.0 needs to take the soft, simple, and meek interfaces of 2.0, forcefully apply it to a sharpened cheese grater, soak the shreds in liquid explosive, and then feed it to its pet LOLcats.
The following is a proposed list of requirements for what Web 3.0 should be. Please feel free to contribute to what is listed, this is a work in progress:
WEB 3.0 WILL... ... REUNITE YOU WITH THE MYSTERY OF THE INTERNET
Built-in smoke machines in laptop computers that activate upon discovery of certain sites. It is likely that these sites will be mysterious and/or curious.
... JOYOUSLY COMMEMORATE YOUR GROWING SOCIAL NETWORK
Celebratory animated text that appears when commiting simple Web 2.0 tasks. For example, when you add a friend on Facebook a prominently robust, 3-D modeled announcement reading !!! CONNECTION !!! should swoop across the screen. Booming voice also announces the celebration of this !!! CONNECTION !!!, and the announcement dissapears in a trail of lasers.
... TITILLATE YOU WITH MEDIOCRE TYPOGRAPHY
The highs and lows of typography will be entirely removed. That means Comic Sans AND Helvetica are banished. Only mediocre texts are allowed such as Impact, Stagecoach, Papyrus, and Courier. ... HAVE HOLOGRAPHIC DINOSAURS
Holographic Dinosaur High-Fives (Holo-Dino-Fives) will immerge from your computer screen when your personal blog gets more than 100 unique visitors.
Be a HERO ... WILL ENCHANT YOU WITH SYMPHONIC BEAMZ
Soundtrack for Web 3.0 and all digital music will be composed, played, and orchestrated by advanced BEAMZ technology. BEAMZ will also be embedded into your keyboard, so that you will play beautiful music like magic when you type.
Meanwhile, as suggested by Bazel
, the soundtrack for 2.5 will be provided by kittens