DIS-MOTHERFUCKING-CLAIMER: This is meant as a purely satirical piece, I'm not out to offend anyone (less than three Christiangamer ;) ).
As gamers it is our duty to ask ourselves: WWJD?
Specifically, what would he/she/it do to the videogame world upon his/her/its resurrection?
Trash the Live marketplace, PSN and Virtual Console
Much like how he/she/it pretty much bitch slapped anyone that was selling things on the temple steps, I imagine that Jesus would find the sale of genuinely bad games and useless junk on the three major online services to be a deplorable affront to the holy act of gaming and would tear through them with a reckless zeal that only a holy son of the Lord could muster.
"China Warrior!? BEGONE FROM THIS HOLY PLACE! TRICK NOT MY CHILDREN WITH YOUR HEATHEN WARES!"
Be the worst teammate you could possibly have
Seriously, three days to respawn?
Rid the planet of the RROD
I gotta imagine that along with Leprosy, cancer, AIDS, Parkinsons and a myriad of other diseases, Jesus would spend a lot of time healing those afflicted with the plague of the red rings, thereby allowing his blessed children to function once again.
Make fanboyism a mortal sin
Nothing like the ol' fire and brimstone to make idiots that think that the Wii is only for kids, that the 360 is an underpowered piece of junk or that the PS3 doesn't have any good games to pull their heads out of their asses and STFUAJPG.
New commandment: Thou shalt not be a dick
Sure the commandments are from the old testament, but don't think for a second that Jesus won't append to that shit. First and foremost he/she/it would add an extra commandment that behooves all gamers, regardless of age, race or gender, to stop being fucking retarded online, be it by team killing, mic spamming or otherwise.
Appoint patron saint of gaming
I'm really hoping for this one as I could really use someone specific to pray to before I start each round of Ikaruga. I could even get a little figure made to put on top of my console to keep it holy.
Choosing someone would no doubt be a challenge as it would have to be a person who loves all games equally, be they great or small, indie or mainstream, strategic or mindless, 3D or 2D etc.
Dissolve the imaginary "casual/hardcore" gamer "barrier"
Yeah that's a lot of quotes up there, but I would think that Jesus would feel the same way. Who among us can say that we could never enjoy a "casual" game? At what point does a "casual" game become "hardcore"? The holy one would no doubt bring all gamers together under the banner of love and understanding, leading to a golden age of videogames the likes of which we've never seen.
Get the following games made/released right the fuck now without compromising on quality
- Half-Life 2: episode 3
- HD update of Radiant Silvergun
- A HD-2D Chrono Trigger sequel done by the original team with a HD-2D update of the original included with it
- New Bonk game
- The new Earthworm Jim
- A new proper Phantasy Star RPG (none of this MMO stuff)
- The Destructoid game: Mr. Destructoid's Grand Adventure (name is subject to change, specifically to something better)
- Insert your dream game here
Again, this is all just speculation, but having grown up with a Catholic education I feel that I have gleaned enough knowledge to say what Jesus would do if he/she/it was alive today, ready to save us from our (videogame related) sins.
Random quote... EXECUTE!
"A friendly study of the world's religions is a sacred duty."