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The Second Coming's Impact On Videogames

DIS-MOTHERFUCKING-CLAIMER: This is meant as a purely satirical piece, I'm not out to offend anyone (less than three Christiangamer ;) ).

As gamers it is our duty to ask ourselves: WWJD?

Specifically, what would he/she/it do to the videogame world upon his/her/its resurrection?

Trash the Live marketplace, PSN and Virtual Console

Much like how he/she/it pretty much bitch slapped anyone that was selling things on the temple steps, I imagine that Jesus would find the sale of genuinely bad games and useless junk on the three major online services to be a deplorable affront to the holy act of gaming and would tear through them with a reckless zeal that only a holy son of the Lord could muster.

*dramatic pre-enactment*



Be the worst teammate you could possibly have

Seriously, three days to respawn?

Rid the planet of the RROD

I gotta imagine that along with Leprosy, cancer, AIDS, Parkinsons and a myriad of other diseases, Jesus would spend a lot of time healing those afflicted with the plague of the red rings, thereby allowing his blessed children to function once again.

Make fanboyism a mortal sin

Nothing like the ol' fire and brimstone to make idiots that think that the Wii is only for kids, that the 360 is an underpowered piece of junk or that the PS3 doesn't have any good games to pull their heads out of their asses and STFUAJPG.

New commandment: Thou shalt not be a dick

Sure the commandments are from the old testament, but don't think for a second that Jesus won't append to that shit. First and foremost he/she/it would add an extra commandment that behooves all gamers, regardless of age, race or gender, to stop being fucking retarded online, be it by team killing, mic spamming or otherwise.

Appoint patron saint of gaming

I'm really hoping for this one as I could really use someone specific to pray to before I start each round of Ikaruga. I could even get a little figure made to put on top of my console to keep it holy.

Choosing someone would no doubt be a challenge as it would have to be a person who loves all games equally, be they great or small, indie or mainstream, strategic or mindless, 3D or 2D etc.

Dissolve the imaginary "casual/hardcore" gamer "barrier"

Yeah that's a lot of quotes up there, but I would think that Jesus would feel the same way. Who among us can say that we could never enjoy a "casual" game? At what point does a "casual" game become "hardcore"? The holy one would no doubt bring all gamers together under the banner of love and understanding, leading to a golden age of videogames the likes of which we've never seen.

Get the following games made/released right the fuck now without compromising on quality

- Half-Life 2: episode 3
- HD update of Radiant Silvergun
- A HD-2D Chrono Trigger sequel done by the original team with a HD-2D update of the original included with it
- New Bonk game
- The new Earthworm Jim
- A new proper Phantasy Star RPG (none of this MMO stuff)
- The Destructoid game: Mr. Destructoid's Grand Adventure (name is subject to change, specifically to something better)
- Insert your dream game here

Again, this is all just speculation, but having grown up with a Catholic education I feel that I have gleaned enough knowledge to say what Jesus would do if he/she/it was alive today, ready to save us from our (videogame related) sins.

Random quote... EXECUTE!

"A friendly study of the world's religions is a sacred duty."

~Mahatma Gandhi
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About The GHostone of us since 1:55 AM on 01.25.2008

For the basics, check out my forum intro thread.

Or for the lazy, here's all you really need to know about me summed up in one picture:

Now that that's done with, let's move onto the blog itself. This blog isn't going to contain any news. Like EVER. Like NEVER EVER FOREVER NEVER. I have no intention of doing anything other than posting original content (mostly just pictures that I make with my extremely limited photoshop skills along with original stories and whatnot). The bottom line is that I think that there are plenty of people doing editorial/reviewer style content already, and so instead of adding to the glut, I'll just stick to what I know:

Dicking around :D

Now enjoy... or DON'T!

My one year anniversary: I did a bunch of traveling and met a bunch of Dtoiders whilst doing so. Here's my one year anniversary/travel summary audio c-blog.

Other work: I also write for a site called Negative Gamer which was started by Wardrox. It's super cool and full of dinosaurs. RAWR!

Destructoid Cards

I've made many a card for many a Dtoider after getting the idea from a forum thread in which Atheistium posted a template and a challenge. Currently I'm a little too busy with school/work/fighting enemies of truth and justice to make more, but I'll get another batch out eventually. Here are links to all my Dtoid card posts!

FooLiz, Blehman and Requests: The beginning

Booster Pack 1
Booster Pack 2
Booster Pack 3
Booster Pack 4
Booster Pack 5
Booster Pack 6
Booster Pack 7
Booster Pack 8
Booster Pack 9
Booster Pack 10
Booster Pack 11
Booster Pack 12
Booster Pack 12.5
Booster Pack 13
Booster Pack 14

Secret Booster Pack 1
Secret Booster Pack 2
Secret Booster Pack 3

Rules Post 1
Rules Post 2

Cards (jpegs)
Photohop Files

Frontpaged Posts

Destructoid card wrap-up post
Katamari Damacy: The Ultimate Murder Simulator?
Why Fanboys Are Better Than You

(Header images from https://thewsk.deviantart.com)
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