Hannah Montana: Great Game or Greatest Game?

About 2 weeks ago, a friend of mine bought Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour for his niece‘s birthday, only to find out that she already had the game. Having lost the receipt, and not being able to sell the game due to the fact that it was Hannah Montana, he gave it to me. Now, I am not a Hannah Montana fan, nor have I ever seen the show, but when I get a game I have to play it. After a few minutes of playtime, I realized that I had to review it.

The Premise: You are Hannah Montana, superstar teen pop sensation. You have to put on shows so that you can get famous and go shopping. Throughout the game you’ll move to bigger and bigger venues and get to enjoy animated CGI cut scenes between Hannah and her friends. I have to admit, just the idea of this premise alone made me want to play this game. I mean, shopping? That’s just genius. I’m sure whoever wrote this plot is well on his way to winning a Pulitzer.

The Gameplay: In order to get Hannah to progress through the ranks of superstar status you have to make her dance. That’s right, its a rhythm game! As arrows scroll across the bottom of the screen, you must move the wiimote left, right, up, down or even forward as they cross the star at the end of the line. Sometimes you’ll even have to strum your wiimote air guitar style or wave to your fans! While most games would have you performing these actions in tunes with the songs that are playing, Hannah Montana, being the work of creative genius it is, has the music play in the background with absolutely no correlation to what you’re doing! When the controls respond (sometimes they don’t just to shake things up a bit!), the game feels like a mix of Samba De Amigo, Dance Dance Revolution and Superman 64. After you put on your shows, you get to travel with Hannah to shops around the world and shop for all the latest fashions, which all seem to look exactly the same, but that’s the real essence of fashion isn’t it?

The Graphics: Simply stunning. CGI cut scenes take place on an empty stage, which everyone knows is the hardest object to render. After these beautiful cinematics the concert gameplay graphics stun you with their beauty. The life like standing animations almost make it seem like the mouths of the characters are moving when they talk. These are only topped by the shopping visuals, which are at least 25% better than those of that celebrity dress up flash game.

The Audio: 15 tracks of Hannah’s greatest hits! Or maybe it’s one. Who knows, who cares, its fucking HANNAH MONTANA for god’s sake. She could recite Longfellow over 2 repeating guitar chords and it would FUCKING ROCK.

The Verdict: If you are a pedophile, a ten year old, or blind and mute, this game is a 10/10. Fuck it, this game is a 10/10 no matter what, GO BUY IT.


She rocks SO hard.
On my cock.