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LONG BLOG

UNBREAKING NEWS: PORN INDUSTRY APPALLED BY SEX SCENES IN MASS EFFECT

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The porn industry struck back at EA and Bioware's Space RPG title Mass Effect today because of it's use of "rampant, unprotected, unsolicited sex with humans and aliens."

"This is just wrong, and completely unfair," says the guy who made all of those World of Whorecraft movies. "I mean, my whole career is based around making porno based off video games for pathetic, lonely nerds to jerk off too, but thanks to Mass Effect and its fuck shots, there's nothing I can parody that they haven't already seen!"

Not only was that one guy pissed off, but about three dozen or so B list porno celebrities were upset that they aren't going to be able to put "the blue alien chick who does DVDA" on their acting resumes. "I've done a lot of roles in my career," says Trixxxie Suxxxalot (misspellings = sexiness), star of game-based pornographic films, such as Crash Inhercoot, Super Monkey Balls in my Vagina #31, and Pong: The Musical Porno, "but playing a blue alien that gets fucked is a dream of mine, and I'm very disappointed that thanks to the sex scenes in Mass Effect I'll never get the chance!"

"I already had a name and a plotline picked out," said that creepy director guy again. "Instead of the obvious Ass Effect, I wanted to try something a bit edgier. I was gonna go with Mass Erect, get it? Obviously with a name like that, we were gonna have a whole group gangbang of different alien races. It was gonna be a porno, sure, but it was also gonna be a message of hope and tolerance in an otherwise racist and bigoted world."

Neither EA nor Bioware have commented at this time, but some guy I met at the local Lion's Den said "I'll whack off to anything."

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About tazarthayootone of us since 2:14 AM on 12.27.2006



Associate Editor for Tomopop.com
Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.

Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?

That's not a drug, that's just silly.

1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Weakness:
Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"
Mood: GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.



My dog doing his best Nicolas Cage impersonation.

My woman.


I draw. I write. I rule.
Xbox LIVE:tazar the yoot


 

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