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LONG BLOG

Tazar Tirade 02: Michigan NARPapalooza!

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This version of the Tirade is not so much me bitching about shit that pisses me off, as I have already addressed that once today. No, this tirade is aimed simply at recounting what little I remember from this past weekend's amazing NARP that was had here in the shitacular state of Michigan. What follows is a tirade full of anecdotes and some ranting, so be sure to pull up a comfortable chair and your favorite snack and/or beverage.

The NARP really started for me on Friday, as I had to drive to pick up Cheeburga from where he lives east of me, then start the trek north toward Grim's house.

As most of you may or may not know, I am not a native of Michigan. I have lived in Louisiana all my life up until the last few years, and did not see my first snowfall until about two years ago. I hate the snow with a fevered vengeance, so you can understand my frustration when I woke up Friday morning to the realization that it had A) been snowing all night and B) it was going to be snowing all day. If you read the previous posts, you know my car is, for a lack of better words, a piece of shit. Driving in the snow is so hard, and the slightest bit of speed over the "sweet spot" sends my car in a death spin.

Driving to Chee's, I noticed five cars strewn along the highway that had spun out and landed in the ditch. It was not very helpful for me to see this as I made my way to Chee's city. Luckily, my car made it no problem, although I got lost twice trying to get to his house.

Dear Michigan: make fucking street signs that are fucking visible from the road. Also, fuck you.

I pull up to Chee's driveway and see him peering out his front door like he's waiting for his package from the cock of the month club. I have to admit I didn't know what to think of Chee at first. The kid wears girl pants for fucks sake.

But Cheeburga is an amazing kid. He's funny and fun to talk to, and he actually likes good music. The fact that I didn't throw him out of my car at any point during the trip should be proof positive enough that Chee is awesome.

After a quick pit stop at the local 7-11 to get my Friday drank (MT DEW AND CHERRY SLURPEE FTW!), we were on our way for a three hour trip to Grim's house...

...and got lost again...twice.

Once again, fuck you Michigan. Mark your roads and your fucking detours so that people can SEE them. Because of your bullshit, we almost went off of a huge fuckoff bridge that was closed. WE COULD HAVE FUCKING DIED!

Anyway, after we found our way again, we finally got to Grim's house. Grim's house is amazing, and so are his parents. His mom treated us like royalty, and made us the best cookies ever, and amazing nacho cheese salsa.

We played some Rock Band, helped Grim out on skate.(because he sucks at it), and watched the Thing on HDDVD.

We also played Dynamite Cop on the Dreamcast. If anyone can remember that game, you know how amazingly bad it was. I used to love the game as a kid, but holy shit, this was terrible, and has not aged well as all.

Grim has like twenty HD DVD's. lawl.

Grim is a super quiet dude but fucking awesome as hell. Seriously, I love Grim.

We fell asleep around 1 am, and got up at about 9 am. After watching a little bit of Family Guy, Grim's mom made us some AMAZING cinnamon rolls. She is amazing.

We were back on the road at by 10ish and on our way to pick up Aertyr and CannibalCalvin. Aertyr is like nine feet tall and reminds me of the Giant from that Billy Crystal movie, When Harry Met Sally. Calvin is amazing, and so is Aertyr.

After we picked them up, we drove back to Grim's house (because Cheeburga fails and can't remember to bring his fucking jacket anywhere), we were finally on our way to Lark's.

Highlights of this trek:

+Calvin and Cheeburga are connoisseurs of drawing dicks on Pictochat. That was also the ONLY reason Pictochat was ever created.
+Michigan still sucks.
+Birds in Michigan are the dumbest mother fuckers on earth. Seriously. If you see a car coming at you, YOU DO NOT FUCKING DRIVE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF IT. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU JUST LEFT THE SAME SPOT YOU FLEW BACK INTO 10 SECONDS EARLIER.
+Aertyr likes taking pictures.

After five long hours, and two times when taking the wrong exit and/or missing the exit, we finally arrived at Lark's house. NihonTiger had gotten there just minutes prior.

Lark scared the shit out of me at first. He has this beard that made me think he was going to rape us. No offense Lark, you were a really cool guy, but holy shit my butthole clenched up.

NihonTiger is a nerd. But in a good way.

We immediately clear the top of a broken tv, placed a working tv on top of it, and started up on the Rock Bands. And a lot of Rock Bands was to be had. I sang for almost the entirety. Seriously, I can barely speak right now because of all the singing I did Saturday.

Highlights of Lark's house:
+Asian Joe was at the narp, and he is my bestest friend!
+Brawl does fucking suck. Fuck that game.
+Crazy dog looks like Wishbone. Wishbone, if he were a psycho dog who would tear your throat out.
+Lark's brother and nephew are also batshit insane.
+Michiana is a fucking stupid name for the border of Michigan and Indiana.
+Rizer Glen was missed terribly.
+Kwaselow's lolcat speech of why he couldn't attend was lolarious.
+Lark's wife is nonexistant. Seriously, I was screaming and singing my head off, and I never saw her once.
+Brawl really fucking sucks.
+You can never go fast enough. You must always go FASTER FASTER FASTERFASTERFASTER!
+Dtoid Stickam = Reboot and Sonic porn.
+Chad Concemo riding a dolphin is infact the background to my Xbox Live blades, and it will be like that until the end of time.
+Fuck you Brawl.
+Cheeburga can't comprehend MST3K.
+SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL IS A PIECE OF SHIT. DO NOT BUY.

So Sunday morning we all headed out for the long trek home. Lark's dog chased us down the road for a good fifty feet, which was fucking creepy. We stopped at an Applebee's halfway between Grim and Lark's house. Highlights of Applebees:

+They can't get my order right.
+The waitress almost lost her shit when I was talking about fajitas.
+Bowling is a terribly boring sport. Whoever watches that shit is either in a catatonic state, or severely retarded.
+Every one of us ordered cheeburgas. Every one of us ordered our cheeburgas by saying "I want the cheeburgas..."
+I am quite knowledgeable of teh vagina.

After Applebee's, we pulled out Grim's ipod and noticed he had a lot of REALLY AWESOMELY BAD SHITTY MUSIC.

We spent the entirety of our trip singing in unison to all the songs, including, but not limited to: Ocean Avenue, Welcome to the Black Parade, a shitload of No Doubt, a bunch of Queen songs, Trapt, Linkin Park, Staind, Sum 41, etc etc etc.

We dropped off Grim, Calvin, and Aertyr at their homes, and then it was just me and Cheeburga left.

We listened to the Lost Odyssey soundtrack until my mp3 player battery died. The Lost Odyssey soundtrack is incredible. It will make you want to play Final Fantasy VII all over again. Go buy Lost Odyssey.

Once my mp3 player died, we plugged Chee's DS into my car adaptor and listened to the sultry sounds of a Bidoof in heat from Pokemon Diamond. At about 6 pm I dropped Chee off at his house, and started my trek home. I got home around 7 pm last night, brought all my stuff in, and lol'd at cheeburga eating a cheeburga.

This weekend was one of the greatest weekends of my life. I seriously love everyone who I hung out with to death, and hope that we can hang out again real soon.

I know nobody is going to read this, but I just wanted to put my perspective on the trip. It was amazing guys!

Finally, I want to end on a good note:

SUPER SMASH BROS BRAWL SUCKS!
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About tazarthayootone of us since 2:14 AM on 12.27.2006



Associate Editor for Tomopop.com
Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.

Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?

That's not a drug, that's just silly.

1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Weakness:
Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"
Mood: GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.



My dog doing his best Nicolas Cage impersonation.

My woman.


I draw. I write. I rule.
Xbox LIVE:tazar the yoot


 

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