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Five Games That Need Prince


Prince is the greatest thing ever. Not man, thing. He is a musical phenom, a literary genius, and a god to all the sexy ladies.

That being said, no one has ever made a game starring Prince, or even mentioning Prince. Why? Because it would be hard to bottle that much amazingness into one DVD. You think MGS4 on 360 will be a bunch of discs? The Prince game would be roughly five hundred discs long, and the game merely consists of Prince on the screen, gyrating and dancing to your favorite Prince songs. (which is easily an 11/10)

So with that in mind, what I'd like to do now is introduce all of you to a new era in the Prince Revolution, complete with shitty paint pictures! This is the top 5 games that need Prince.

Five: Rock Band: Black Sweat Edition

Prince is the all time greatest rock and roll R&B musician of all time. If you don't believe me, I suggest you turn off your internet right now and go watch Purple Rain for seventieth time (like I have). With a game that's all about letting the user rock, they really pulled a stupid move by not including the Great One™'s songs or likeness in the original.

Black Sweat Edition fixes all of these issues.

Want yellow assless chaps? You got em! Want an amazing guitar that behind a sheet looks like you have a gigantic penis? You got it! Want Morris Day and the Time?

Go fuck yourself

Black Sweat Edition would feature Prince as the singer/guitarist/bassist/drummer/backup dancer/roadie/sex machine/ladies man/slick dresser/man about town. The 360 version would include one and only one achievement.

One: The Artist Formerly Known as Katamari Damacy

The entire time I played Katamari Damacy, I thought to myself This could use Prince.(Granted, I think that about every game.) Thus, this brilliant idea was born.

You play as The Great One™, Prince. His head has decided that it needs a vacation, so it goes and rolls around the Japanese countryside, talking to cows and putting dolphins behind his ears. The King of the Cosmos will speak to you at various points of the game, asking you for guidance, and how to be as awesome as you.

Your response? Well, that part is entirely up to you. That's right, it's a choose your own Prince-venture game! Layers, upon layers, upon layers, upon layers.

So I know what you're asking yourself. You're saying, "Why are there only two games listed in this top 5 list? Why is Prince so sexy? Why have I never had the glory of Prince inside me?

The answer is simple: More than two games on the market featuring Prince could and will destroy the world. It will allow you to divide by zero, it will allow you to have sex with little girls, and it will allow you to shit your pants. Not even Chuck Norris could prevent such a catastrophe.

The other questions you asked? You'll have to listen to your heart for the answers to those.
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About tazarthayootone of us since 2:14 AM on 12.27.2006

Associate Editor for Tomopop.com
Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.

Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?

That's not a drug, that's just silly.

1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"

My dog doing his best Nicolas Cage impersonation.

My woman.

I draw. I write. I rule.
Xbox LIVE:tazar the yoot


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