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WTF #1: Sonic Underground

WTF will be a series I hope to not fail at keeping up with, chronicling the bastardization of all of our beloved childhood heroes.

Sonic hasn't had a very good life. He was amazing in his first few outings on the Genesis, but has never been able to regain that popularity. Now we all know the reason for this is because the games he's had since Sonic CD (the best in the series by far) have been terribly shitty 3D or sports games that just fall extremely short of matching the intensity of the original titles.

That being said, there is a part of Sonic's life that is so dark, so depressing, so bad that he hopes you will never discover it, and you probably wouldn't have, had I not spent all night watching this crap. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the first edition of WTF: Sonic Underground.

Now, what is Sonic Underground, you may ask? A good question. It appears as though in 1999, DiC enterprises (responsible for a lot of terribly shitty Saturday Morning cartoons in the early 90s) decided that the entire story of Sonic the Hedgehog that had changed several times in every iteration of cartoon series (From the Nickelodeon slapstick humor Sonic, to the Sonic the Hedgehog that told the story of the Freedom Fighters resistance lead by Sonic to defeat Robotnik) needed to be changed yet again, but how do you reinvent Sonic? It's been tried by everyone from Sonic Team, and they could never do it. What was it that Sonic was missing?

Apparently, siblings and shitty music.

Yes, the story of Sonic Underground is that Sonic and his two siblings, Manic, the green punk rox hedgehog, and Sonia, the pink hedgehog, are fighting Dr. Robotnik all acrossed Mobius using their wisecracking antics, and the ability to manifest musical instruments out of the necklaces they wear. They're also apparently looking for their mother, who is completely absent, yet was able to meet up with every fucking character in the show just before Sonic and his sibs could make it there. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Funfact: there are very few pictures of these people on the internet, outside of fan art. I am serious, fucking fan art outnumbers the amount of real photos from the TV show. So I'm using the shittiest fan art I can find for each one.

Manic, the drummer in this Freedom Fighter band of failure, was one of those 90s extreme characters. He said things like "rad" and "dude" and seemed like a bit of a pothead hedgehog, hence the green fur. The problem with this is that, if the show was made in the early 90s, this would have been acceptable. However, the show was made in 1999. The idea of a laidback rad dude was so lame and old that the flesh had been long picked away from the bones.

Sonia, Sonic's sister, played a keytar. That's right, a fucking keytar. She also has a redneck accent, and it's never explained that although the triplets are raised in the same time and at the same place, none of them have an accent that is similar. I'll touch on the reasons why for this in a bit. Her voice will make you want to kill yourself though, seriously.

And then we have Sonic. He plays the guitar. And sings. When he runs, he has two white circles on the side of his body, indicating his feet are moving fast. It just looks awkward and hilarious. I really have nothing to add about Sonic other than he's pathetic and makes a lot of shitty one liners."

That's not all though, as Knuckles also makes an appearance in the show. He helps the hedgehog kids fight Robotnik or some shit. I really have no idea and I couldn't care less. Instead of punching like he does in EVERY game, he moves his hands really fast until they become the same white circles Sonic's feet turn into. Apparently he's punching so fast its a blur, I guess thats the effect they were going for anyway. Unfortunately it just looks like he's a retard who's got the entirety of his arms encased in a giant white cast. For shame, "Knuck."

All I got from the story was that they go around and fight Robotnik. At the end of every episode they sing a shitty song that is like a moral lesson kids can learn if they haven't smashed their skull into the television yet like I would.

Does Sonic's voice sound familiar to you? I'm not surprised. Mr. Steve Urkel himself, Jaleel White, does the voice of Sonic in this show, like he did the previous two animated shows. The greatest part is, not only does he play Sonic, he plays both of his siblings as well.

That's right, Urkel does the voice of a female redneck hedgehog, and not only does the voice, but SINGS like that as well. Urkel harmonizes with himself in such a shitty way that it's almost amazing. This is the only reason I can assume they gave the sister a redneck accent, because Urkel isn't the greatest at voicework, and they had to come up with some way to make each character seem vocally different. So bring on the hick voice, Sonia! Not only that, but the wiki page for the show states that in some episodes, DiC was able to actually get Sean fucking Connery to do the voice of the trio's great grandfather. You're the man now, hedgehog!

Something that is never really explained in this series is where the hell their parents really are. They have this thin subplot throughout all the episodes that they are searching for their mother, but there is never mention of a father. Ever.

So I can only assume they were born without a father. In other words, the Sonic Triplets are also probably capable of becoming Jedis, too. And as crazy as this fucking show is, I wouldn't have put it past them to try to do just that in season three.

Image courtesy of the amazing Agent MOO

That's right, season three. What's hilarious is that they actually made forty episodes. FORTY fucking episodes of this crap. Two seasons worth of episodes. Who the hell honestly watched this? I remember when I was a kid hearing about it, and considering maybe seeing it, but I never did. Seriously though, the fact that enough people saw this crap to warrant making forty god damn episodes makes me die even more inside, and if you know me, there's not much left to die.

The craziest thing of all is that this show has a very rabid fan base. If you browse google you see countless fan pages for all three characters. I don't get it, and I probably never will. I also don't understand dressing up like a squirrel with a dickhole in the back and getting pounded away on by another person dressed as a wolf. I guess I'm just old fashioned like that.

Anyway, this concludes WTF #1, but before I go, I leave you with this:

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About tazarthayootone of us since 2:14 AM on 12.27.2006

Associate Editor for Tomopop.com
Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.

Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?

That's not a drug, that's just silly.

1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"

My dog doing his best Nicolas Cage impersonation.

My woman.

I draw. I write. I rule.
Xbox LIVE:tazar the yoot


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