I’m bitter as hell, this is a rambling blog. It’s not directed at anyone, but it isn’t pointed away either, I guess. Curse words to follow.
I’m in hate with the world right now. Just a burning anger at pretty much everything and everyone. I took a break from most social media because it was causing nails on the chalkboard in my mind, and have decided to postpone festivus to February where I can let out my feelings, and at the very least scream into the void more than I usually do.
My health right now is an absolute burden on me. I know damn well that many people here have it worse than I do, so I don’t want to say that it’s some insurmountable nightmare, but the long and short of it is I have pre diabetes. A few months ago the doctors did blood tests looking at my cholesterol (which is also ass) and saw my A1C was high and assigned me medicine. I rejected their conclusion, because when faced with something like that, it’s only natural. Once I got a glucometer, though, it was pretty obvious. It’s taken me a long time to cut out all the bad stuff from food, which as someone who fucking loves to eat, hurts pretty bad. The rice in Indian and Chinese food would send me to 300+ (around 120 is normal), and most things in Iowa are potato laden carb bombs, so I struggled to find what meat only offerings I could. Now I’m kind of excited to try keto recipes as an experiment in cooking, and whatever new low carbs I discover through friend and family recommendations.
With all that being said, I was put on another drug last week to lower it, and they said it was the last step before insulin. I’m a stubborn asshole, so I’m not taking damn insulin because I can overcome this, so try to prove this to my doctor, I started aggressively checking my blood sugar. Part of the reason my metrics looked so bad was because I only recorded my blood sugar after a questionable meal for me to learn which foods screwed me over the hardest, and what a night of drinking does to me. And oh yeah, this new medicine? No booze. Goodbye weekend friend, and second love of my life. In order to get all the sample data, I have to prick my finger before each meal, after I wake up, and before I go to bed. The first time you go to test, it’s not so bad. But after stabbing every single digit like my fingers are pincushions, it fucking hurts and I don’t want to anymore. It just blows. The good news is an 8 period moving average from the past 30 days has gone from 150 to 110. I have also been exercising half an hour, and so far I’ve lost a little over 20 pounds. The bad news? Now my blood sugar is getting too low sometimes.
Oh, I’m fucking sorry, did I do to good a job, and now I have to eat carbs and sugar? You know, the two things I cut out of my household? So now I have a bottle of emergency maple syrup to deal with that bullshit. One bitter upside from this is that I know exactly when I have low blood sugar because I have felt that feeling for pretty much my whole life, and recognized it as the ‘I need to eat something shakes’. So fuck you very much to my mom and dad who never took me to a doctor and got that diagnosed. Wasn’t a problem when I was a matchstick, I guess, but they worry more when your BMI is “American”. Fortunately, my anxiety has been under control lately, but it’s the last time I had something like this happen to me where there was a real feeling of “I could die overnight from this and no one would know” because I live by myself and, as is the recurring theme of this, no one gives a shit. I’ve got no family in state, and due to COVID no one I could call to be my ‘don’t die overnight buddy’, so I had to sit awake at 11:00 PM, slurping down old cups of peaches because they are the only thing with sugar in my house, hoping that I don’t have to call 911 because I kicked too much ass at not having sugar. What I wouldn’t give to have a significant other who could be with me in these times, if only I weren’t so 100% undateable.
So between all of that, I’m already in a pretty messed up state mentally and phsyically. I have mulled over looking for pot to have a low calorie alternative to drinking, but it isn't legal in Iowa, and it isn't worth risking my job to regain some shred of sanity just yet.
The Key to Success is to Keep At It!
Whoever said that, and whoever says that, fuck you. I tried to post pretty often, and I try to be part of the community, but god I don’t feel like it most days. I have social anxiety and imposter syndrome, so it’s probably in my head, but I rarely feel any love from the community when I do. This is a bullshit rambling thing, otherwise I wouldn’t mention it, but I’ve been on the site since 2008. Shit, for all I know, I could have been on there before some readers were born. In the back of my mind, I feel like there should be credit for that! I don’t even know what, I just get annoyed to have such a tenure to be completely overlooked sometimes. It doesn’t really get to me, though.
What did get to me is me pouring out creative energy and getting almost nothing back. Let me tell you, that is a huge blow to the ego. I like playing video games. I have the money for a decent streaming kit. Why not stream? I did the Next Top Bullshit Contest featuring Someone From Outside the Community because I thought it would be fun. The day that I did it was one of the worst days I had had. I decided to give up a foster dog that was my token reminder that my grandfather had died, and the only support that I could give to my family during that time. And oh yeah, she was cute as shit and loved to snuggle and was an awesome dog when she wasn’t energetic as hell. I also found out about the pre diabetes, and hooray for COVID. It was shit. And I brought it, and found the energy, gave it my all, and didn’t make it to the second round because it wasn’t about the community, it was about small streamers. And whatever - the people who did well have that je nai se quois that I don’t when it comes to capturing votes, and good on them for it. But I was told that I have the energy and the setup to get affiliate, and told what I could change to make my stream better, and I got a few subscribers off of the contest. So I put on bells and whistles and did my damndest, and now, on average, I stream to 1 viewer. Me. To make sure my stream is up. Fifty seven followers and none of them can be bothered to show up. Thanks boys. On the other hand, it must mean that I just suck as a streamer, or else they would bother to show up. They say that the key to success is just to keep at it, and to regularly stream. Guess what fuckstick? It ain’t that. I’m not aiming to be the next Ninja (barf) but what I would like is a small community of my own. I have been hanging out on a small stream on Friday and chatting with about a dozen people and the streamer, and having that be a community my stream could nurture would just be the nutter butters. What’s stopping me from that? No really, I’m fucking asking. I have a camera, I have a yeti mic, I have a greenscreen, I drive a Dodge Stratus! What the fuck am I missing? I even thought "Hey, what if people saw highlights, wouldn't that be fun?". Turns out even mentioning that something is from a stream is a death knell for the post, so I won't even try that anymore.
So where else would be good to post? Well there are several forums online where you can try to pimp yourself out! Did I say forums? I meant black fucking holes. Take clips from Dead By Daylight, put it on the related reddit! Nothing. Oh, okay, Ill join a small streamer hosting channel. Thats a waste of your goddamn time right there. It runs off a raffle system that you have to manually enter every 20 minutes and its pay for play, so those with longer subs to the host get more entries per 20 minutes meaning its a 1000 to 1 lottery that its someone hucking cash over a low viewer streamer anyway. Not that I expected differently. So I'll @ people on twitter and slide into those DMs! After using the right hashtags and tagging the hosts for it...not even a retweet. Great, thanks. So either I really suck so bad, I'm that unlucky, or some prankster God just has it out for me, but I can go no social presence from that route. Not that I love to whore myself out to strangers, because social anxiety is a bitch and a half.
Psychic Vampire Repellent Spray
What really started to get my goat lately is two of my friends started gaming, then streaming. They wanted to play Dead By Daylight, and one of them was shooting for affiliate by streaming off a PS4. So I helped by subbing to their stream, and every time they would post in group chat that they were streaming, I would at least go in and lurk on their channel to help with view counts, and often I would stop in and chat while they were playing. On average, both of them have shown up to my stream zero times. Do you know how many average viewers you need to be affiliate? Three. How many friends do I have regularly streaming trying to make it themselves? Two. Plus me watching my own shit...hey this should be easy. But no, they only suck energy, and give none back. Fucking vampires. Both girls, so naturally as soon as one got a webcam, her viewership is 10+. I don’t want that to be the only reason, but all I’m saying is it doesn’t hurt anything.
I have another vampire who is leeching me, but its okay because I like the abuse. Constantly calling to talk, but not really have a conversation, just to say what they want for 90 minutes to another breathing human. It's quarantine, I get it. Somehow this is better than nothing, but still draining. I was about 95% sure by the conversations that she was into me in some capacity, only to be very upfront about it and find out, no, where would that idea come from. I'm a great fish to bait, apparently. At her beck and call to print out things like I'm a Library and not even take the nickel for it, only to wait for her for twenty minutes while she came downstairs from her appartment building to pick them up. No big deal, though, I don't have a life anyway, just sleep work videogames, and bitching about everything inbetween.
I also had my weekly burger posts, which was usually a highlight of my week. I just liked seeing people’s reactions to the abominations from that restaurant, and sharing some of my cool ass town with the folks online. The one thing I got was most people were upset I wasn’t eating them so I decided I could try and do a thing where I ate them and talked about it, and it got some hype. I did the videos, and the hype died down by 50% every single one I did. Measurably, and almost exactly 50% per video. And I know I shouldn’t, but some of the comments about how inedible or gross they were had started to get under my skin a bit. Its just a burger, mate, its not piss shark or surstromming. Yet another project I had started up that had crashed and burned like everything else I touch.
Now let me tell you all something: most people aren’t scared to fail something the first time around. You aren't afraid of something until you get a reason to be afraid of it. To that end, failure isn’t a stab wound that leaves you dead on the street. Failure is a deep bruise. The first time I swipe someone on Tinder, like someone on OkCupid, message someone on Match, stream to no one on Twitch, or make a video no one watches on YouTube, it’s fine. I can brush that off. Not everyone is going to like me. But after 50 times, the bruise sets in. Every small rejection hits the bruise of the ego, and thats when it really starts to fucking hurt, and every failure only makes it hurt more. All of this - making content, trying to get my health together, trying to get my friends together, and trying to play D&D (long story short - friends let me play as a PC instead of DM, but they are bad DMs) - all of that hurts so fucking bad right now and instead of dealing with the pain and growing the bruise, I just want to walk away from it. It isn’t worth the bullshit.
There are so many times where I have been ready to throw in the towel, raise the white flag, only to remember the world doesn’t give a shit when you do. You throw in the towel, and it just keeps punching you when you go down. So you have to take the energy of being pissed out and beaten and use it to change something. Now I’m trying to be healthy. I’m trying to take my drugs, trying to get my blood sugar low, and trying to keep a big fucking smile on my face and make jokes and small talk to absolute no one as I do twitch streams. The stream isn’t for you anymore. It’s for me, assholes. One wonderful thing I learned about nihilism is that it isn’t the same as depression. Nihilism is a key to a door that frees you from worry. If nothing means anything, and no one gives a shit, what’s to stop you from going buckwild? So I don’t know. This blog marks the end of my stupid 12 year old girl bullshit experiment of silence from media to see if anyone notices or cares, and just to take a mini vacation from the bullshit.