So I wrote a story, sort of. I just wanted a place I could share it, judgement free. So if you feel like reading it, go ahead.
I want a tattoo. Hmmph, what a scandalous thought for a good Mormon girl? I think multiple inappropriate thoughts during the day. I think about sex, tattoos, and girls. I think about girls in a way that other girls shouldn’t think. Is there something wrong with me? My parents would probably say I am going to hell for thinking these horrible thoughts. But, are these really that horrible of thoughts? I mean, I’m not wanting to kill anyone, or anything like that. So why is thinking about sex, girls and tattoos such a bad thing.
Layla comes and sits down next me, fidgeting with her dress. She is probably making sure it is covering her knees. I roll my eyes as I scoot over a few inches. Layla, the good girl, the good daughter, the perfect role model. Ugh. She makes me sick. We are both sitting in “our” families pew. I say “our” because this is where my family has been sitting for as long as I can remember. Everyone in our church sits in the same spot every Sunday. People can get pretty upset if you sit in their spot. How silly of a thing to get upset over? It is just a spot to sit silently while some old man talks at you for an hour.
I have been scanning the chapel since I sat down, hoping to catch Emma’s eye. She is my best friend. Finally I see her and her family walk in. I stumble over Layla’s feet as I climb out of the pew. Quickly checking the clock, ten minutes until we start, plenty of time to catch up with Emma.
“Lydia!” she exclaims as loudly as is acceptable in the chapel.
I hug her, “Emma, I have so much to talk about”
“Well do tell” she whispers in my ear as we loop our arms.
“Not here….” I say shamefully and put my head down.
“Aw, so another sleepover is in our future!” she smiles softly.
Her hair smells so sweet, and the way her lips move as she talks just blows my mind. I always enjoy our sleepovers, her mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies. We can stay up as long as we want, no talk of church. Emma has what I call a “cool mom”. Her mom is so open and free about things, I am pretty sure the only reason they keep coming to church is because of her dad. Emma and I are considered outside of the group of young women. We aren’t super churchy, and we don’t even try to fake it. I mean what is the point? If we don’t believe it, why try to fake it?
“Hopefully my mom will let me”
“I will talk to your mom, she loves me!” she winks at me and skips off to find my mom.
She leaves me standing there alone at the back of the chapel, I bite my nails.
“Don’t bite your nails, it will ruin them forever” Tabitha chides at me.
“Nobody asked you Tabitha.”
“I am only trying to help,” she says with a sly grin.
“I don’t need your help, you are just a little…” I can’t say bitch, but damn I want to. “A little jerk.”
“Lydia, Lydia, Lydia. We are in the Lord's beautiful home. We need to be loving and respectful here.” she says very sarcastically.
“Why don’t you try to practice what you preach?” I retort back.
Tabitha stomps off, her dress fluttering behind her. Emma is back at my side before I can collect my thoughts. I smell her Japanese Cherry Blossom perfume, it is intoxicating.
“Sleepover, my house tonight.” she smiles triumphantly at me.
“How did you….” I stop myself, knowing exactly what she did. My mom loves her and her family. I smile and give her a hug. “So am I just riding home with you?”
She nods and skips away to the pew that her family is sitting in. I smile down at the ground and walk quickly back to my seat. The next hour passes in a blur, all that I can think about is my sleepover. Should I tell her how I feel? Or should I make up some crap about a new boy I like? We can always talk about tattoos, Emma has designed a bunch of tattoos for the both of us. We can’t wait until we are old enough to actually be able to get them. The first hour of church is over, all the families slowly move out of the pews. Children are running down the isles, grateful that they can finally move around again.
The second hour of church is where the adults split off and do their own thing, the kids are split up by age group. I find Emma quickly, loop arms and walk to our classroom. Our ward is pretty small, so there are only 7 kids in this age group with us, four boys and three girls. Tabitha is the other girl, we both despise her, and she despises us. Opening the door to the classroom, we see John and Tabitha side by side, practically making out. Ugh. Levi and Landon, the twins, are sitting with their heads together looking at a phone. While Neil is in the corner trying to act like he doesn’t exist. Emma and I walk in and take our seats with our teacher quickly coming in behind us.
Another boring hour passes. This is my every Sunday. I hate it. Three hours of my life wasted away, talking about God and things he did. Plus most of the things I learn, kids at my school have never even heard of it, so I doubt it is even true. The last hour of church is split up again by gender, so Emma and I head to the young woman's room. This is where we learn about being a good and virtuous woman of God. Bleh, let me just go throw up real quick. We are told many times that our job as a woman is to “get married and have babies”. I mean, I want kids but I don’t want some church dictating how I do that.
Finally church is over. Thank the good Lord! I quickly find my parents and give them a hug and a kiss. I don’t need any clothes because Emma and I are the same size, so I will just wear her clothes. We get into her parents car, and I can feel myself relax. I feel peaceful. I don’t feel like I have to fake it around her, or them. Her parents joined the church when Emma was just a small baby, so they aren’t as strict as some parents who have generations of family in the church. Emma and I always talk about leaving the church as soon as we are eighteen, getting tattoos and living our best life. Unfortunately we still have two more years before we can even consider any of that.
By the time we get to Emma's house it is around one in the afternoon, we sit at the counter in the kitchen while her mom makes some PP&J’s. Emma is an only child, I think her parents wanted to have more kids but it just never seemed to happen for them. They love Emma so much and sometimes it feels like I am their daughter as well. We grab our sandwiches, say our thank yous, and head to Emma’s room. I settled down on the floor, leaning against her bed, my dress sprawled out all around me. I must look like some creepy angel, meanwhile Emma looks like a goddess. Her dark hair curling around her face, her deep amber eyes glittering in the sunlight coming through her windows, and her blue satin dress neatly falling around her.
Emma swallows a bite of her food, “sooo what is this big news or whatever you couldn’t share at church.”
“Uhhh” I say, avoiding her eyes.
“Lydia, it's alright. We are best friends, nothing can come between us.” she reaches out and touches my thigh.
I finish the last few bites of my sandwich, and then fiddle with my plate. Why am I so nervous all of the sudden? I know I can tell her anything. Why is this so goddamn hard?
“Emma…..” I start to mumble. “I think, I think I like girls. In more than a friend way….”
Emma shifts herself. Is she uncomfortable? Did I make her hate me? Is she going to kick me out and make me go home?
“I know you do Lydia” she smiles softly at me.
“What do you mean you know??”
“It’s pretty obvious. I mean you stare at girls at the mall, and some comments you have made.”
I look down at my dress, pulling on the satin. How did she know? I thought I hid it pretty well. Sighing deeping, I throw my head back and laugh. Of course Emma knows, she knows everything. Emma, Emma is perfect in every way.
“Emma, does…..does this change anything between us?”
“Lydia, you are my best friend. I am not going to think of you any different.”
“What if I told you that…..that I think I have a crush on you?” I can’t look her in the eyes.
Emma rolls her shoulder blades and leans closer towards me. “I’d say, that it’s about damn time you fessed up about it” then she kisses me deeply. Her lips are soft and taste like strawberries.
I melt into her instantly. Kissing her back timidly at first, then with more passion. Suddenly her arms are around my back and hips. I follow her lead and wrap my arms around her as well. I reach up and hold her head in my hand, gripping her hair tightly. We only pause briefly to catch our breath, and then continue to kiss fiercely. She lets out soft moans periodically, with each moan I hear I kiss her harder and bite her lip tenderly.
“Emma,” I whisper while I cup her face in my hand, “why didn’t you say anything either?”
“Oh Lydia, I wanted you to be ready. I didn’t want to scare you, I know how your parents are.”
“But your parents go to church as well, won’t they be just as mad?”
“Lydia, they only keep going so I can keep seeing you.”
“B-but we go to the same school, we would still see each other there, and this church is so fucking stupid. We were both gonna leave it anyway, so why keep going just for me?” I am almost in tears, this beautiful woman keeps going to this horrible church just for me, because she wants to be able to see me as much as possible. “Do your parents know that you like girls?”
“Of course they do. I tell them everything, they knew right away that I had a crush on you. They have just been waiting for me to confess to you.”
“So why do they let me come over so often if they knew you liked me as more than a friend?”
She kissed my forehead. “Because they trust me and they trust you.”