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LONG BLOG

I'd rather die than go to heaven.

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Valhalla is the place to be. But the only way to get there is to die in battle. What is the difference between Heaven (a fictional place) and Valhalla? In heaven they drink sugar-free koolaid, talk about clouds and shit... forever. From there you watch your stupid looking corpse in a casket as your family and friends force some tears out and talk about how good of a man you were even though you were a total douche and died like a pussy. Then soon after your funeral you watch your family fight over your money and things. Sounds more like hell to me.

In Valhalla you're still a warrior. You follow Odin to the battle of Ragnarök. There you will fight giants, monsters and other warriors. When you are slain you are revived in the mead hall with all of the other slain warriors. You drink mead out of giant steins, feast on the boar Sæhrímnir, which is also revived and slaughtered again for the mead hall feast. Lots of laughter, dancing, vomiting, motor-boating Valkyrie's funbags as they fill your stein and fighting (then the usual crying and apologizing)-- you know, fun stuff. You speak of your heroism. Exaggerated of course: "Dude, I killed like 9 warriors before I got smashed into the ground by a giant. How many did you kill? "I killed like five... five thousand."

Virility is measured by how many knots you can make in your back-hair. The most virile is awarded mead, boar meat and a bigger, heavier stein.

After drinking a stein of bravery and vomiting the last vomit, Odin stands up and says "All right, everybody brave again? Lets go to Ragnarök and fuck them up... again. Just be careful and don't get stepped on by my steed like that one guy. That was... well.. that was my bad. Oh, and no running in the mead hall, the floors wet!"

Unlike here, in Valhalla, you don't have to ask permission before having sex with a woman. You take what you want, leave the rest, like a salad bar.

After countless years of fighting the same battle over and over again, some warriors like to mix it up it a bit. Make things more interesting (possible?). Before a battle they'll make contests. Like that one in tandem competition. One warrior will tie his leg to another. They will see how far they can make it down the battlefield while their buddies are cheering them on, before facing their brutalities. Running in tandem with another warrior confuses the enemy, so sometimes you can make it pretty far through the murder fields.

Or they'll have drinking games. Every time a warrior gets his head ripped off from the base of their spine you have to take a drink.

If someone loses a bet he gets his hands tied behind his back and he may only headbutt his enemies. Biting is OK, too.

Theres also the dangerous (unlike the others?) "I AM BEOWULF!" game. If someone manages to hop on an enraged giant and stand on it long enough to say "I AM BEOWULF!" wins. But you have to say the whole thing or it doesn't count. Its alright if you're stomped or eaten by the giant afterwards, just as long as you say the line. Just make sure Beowulf isn't around when you do it because he'll beat your ass back at the mead hall.

Theres another bet that usually involves different groups of warriors. The losers have to go into battle with those pool noodle things, being the only weapon you're allowed to use. The trick is to bonk them in the ears or shove it down their throat. But you will probably die a humiliating death and your buddies will rip on you for ages.

So, in Valhalla, if you die in battle, you're revived in the mead hall. But what if you were to die in the mead hall? From like alcohol poisoning. Or if you accidentally brained yourself with your own stein.

Where do you go?

You're revived in the dumpster behind the hall. While you were dead your buddies or so-called friends tattoo "PUSSY" or "FAG" on your forehead. Also, Odin has someone take pictures while he tea-bags you. The walls are covered in pictures of your shameful death and humiliating tea-bagging. That is your punishment for not dying a glorified, or GORE-IFIED death on the battle field.

So whats it going to be? Lolly Pop land or Valhalla?

I hope that you don't have to be Nordic anymore to get in.
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About savagesaladinone of us since 11:38 AM on 01.07.2007

Who the fuck cares?
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