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LONG BLOG

TAZAR SELLS OUT: REVIEW OF THE BEST GAME EVAR!

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That's right, Dtoid Loyal. I, the one and only Yoot, have decided to loan out my good name and reputation to the highest bidder, and offer my valid, honest, unbiased opinion on whatever derivative dribble they push out onto an unwanting society. So without further ado: Tazar tha Yoot's Unfiltered Review of Bullet Witch! Sponsored by ATARI and AQ Interactive!




SETTING!!!!ONE

According to kobewan

Sometime in 2007, an event occurred that caused demons and other supernatural beings to appear on the surface world. The demons began to attack humanity, reducing the world's population down to less than 1 billion. The demons created an army, called the Geist, to continue to subdue the human population.[1]

In 2013, a young woman named Alicia enters an unnamed coastal eastern United States city, carrying a magical weapon shaped like a broomstick that can change weapon form as well as allow her to cast magic spells. A voice called the Darkness speaks to her, telling her that the city is doomed, but she strives on to save the humans from the Geist forces. She manages to make her way to a commander of the last of the human armed forces, who requests that she offer her powers to help save mankind. Alicia and the troops flee underground when one of the greater demons, Omega, appears and cannot be harmed by bullets or magic. When they make it back to their underground base, he gives her part of a journal, written by an archaeologist that appears to have lost a loved one in a plane crash in 2006, and traveled to a remote village to perform a sacrifice to return that person to life. From this, the humans have determined the cause of the demon infestations, as the archaeologists' self-sacrifice opened up the gateway for the demons. Alicia and the human troops take a cargo plane to the humans' base near this village, though the plane is attacked midflight by a huge flying demon that Alicia is able to stop, but not before it damages the plane's engines and they are forced to land a short distance from the headquarters.

After rescuing the surviving humans to headquarters and defending the base from Geist attacks from the air, Alicia is flown to the closest safe drop point near the village. She works her way through the heavily-defended area, finding the alter that lead the archaeologist to this point and finally, the man himself, still alive but impaled on the opening of the demonic gateway. He possesses the other half of the journal, which reveals that Alicia is his daughter, that she did die in the plane crash and was brought back from the grave by his sacrifice but that this gave her the magical powers she possesses, and that the only way to close the gateway is to kill him completely. After stating her love for her father, she kills him.

While the gateway is closed, the demons are still in control of the world, and with the human troops, Alicia returns to the city to face Omega, this time armed with knowledge that she needs both her magic and the support of the human troops to break Omega's shield and destroy him. After a prolonged battle, they finally manage to defeat Omega, freeing one city from the demons' run, but there's still many other demons that remain in the world.

If that's not worth at least 9 stars I don't know what is!


GAMEPLAY





Honestly, I think it's safe to say this game is the best game of all games in the history of games. 8 out of 3.6!

GRAPHICS!


I've never played it, but I'm sure from the grainy videos I've seen on youtube that it is on par with, if not better, real life. I couldn't find any videos on youtube with the keywords I typed in (bullet witch awesome graphics best game ever) that would show you just how incredible it looks. I did find, however, video clips of cute kittens by typing in cute kittens.




If that's not worth seven thumbs up(out of seven), I don't know what is.

FINAL SCORE!

It's really hard to tally up and average out so much epic amazingness. Really, my calculator broke at least 6 or 7 times trying to figure out the final score. Just put it this way, think of the greatest, most amazing, most incredible game you've ever played. THE game that YOU would vote a 10/10.

Now, piss all over it, then set it aflame. Because this game is at least 5 or 6 more points better. No ifs ands or buts about it.

GO BUY THIS GAME!

That's it for Tazar's review of the best game in the history of the world, both parts 1 and 2. If you'll excuse me, I have an interview with Gamespot. They want me to review Vampire Rain.
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About tazarthayootone of us since 2:14 AM on 12.27.2006



Associate Editor for Tomopop.com
Still, Destructoid's Number One Awesome Bad Ass guy thing...that went to Cancun.

Name: Tazar "Tha Yoot" Tha Yoot
Blood Type: Jazzy Neapolitan
Fighting Style: Irish Wobble and then fall down drunk
Favorite Stance: "Anal sex is still safer then regular sex"
Weapon of choice: by Fatboy Slim
Drug of choice: You know that smell of socks that haven't been washed for years, and have been worn by the same fat steel mill worker for years and years and years. And then you take those socks and you douse them in kerosene and feed them to a large quad-pedal animal (my personal preference: Hulk Hogan), and then subsequently rip them out of the stomach through the rib cage of said animal, and then slather them in mayonaise and leave them in the sun for several days?

That's not a drug, that's just silly.

1st Alternate Drug of choice: Hamsters
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: The Jazz Stylings of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Favorite Book: Def Jam's How to be a Player: The Abridged Version
Favorite Movies: Gonorrhea
Favorite Game: Failing at life.
Weakness:
Favorite writer: Paris Hilton
Current room status: "Fucking Mansion"
Mood: GOD DAMMIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO SLAM THE DOOR.



My dog doing his best Nicolas Cage impersonation.

My woman.


I draw. I write. I rule.
Xbox LIVE:tazar the yoot


 

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