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LONG BLOG

The Early History of Video Games, by Charlton Heston

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Video Games.

Since the dawn of recorded history, at least the parts I felt like reading, man has enjoyed this storied and noble pastime. Eventually women, too, once we stopped burning them in droves because we thought they were witches whenever they'd beat us at Mario Kart. Video games bring people together. They also sometimes drive people apart, like that one time my "buddy" called my mom the C-word because he didn't like that he kept getting run over by me in Halo; last time you got to taste my mom's delicious, if cheaply made, pizza bagels, Ryan. I hope you're burning in hell right now, chained to a wall of flaming spiders, a plate overflowing with pizza bagels just barely out of reach.

Okay, that isn't the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to meticulously cover my research into the invention and history of the first video game. I've done the legwork; I've studied the ancient scrolls. And now I am ready to pass on what I've learned. This is my life's work, my magnum opus. But also, fuck you Ryan, wherever you are: you kept jumping in front of the Warthog like a lobotomized squirrel that just wanted the pain of its existence to end. You deserved that punch to the nuts.

With that out of the way (fuck you, Ryan), let's start at the beginning: it all began at the end of the Cretaceous period, roughly 65 million years ago. The time of the Dinosaurs was ending. The sun was no longer able to provide its life-giving rays, either due to extreme volcanism, or a cataclysmic asteroid. Possibly both. I diverge from other scientists in that I blame China, but they consider my theories to be "fringe", and me to be "mentally unstable." Regardless, Dinosaurs faced complete annihilation. But then he appeared: a savior.

They called him "Mario", in ancient Greece. They built forbidden and secret shrines to honor him. None know whence he came or when he precisely appeared, but the cave drawing shown above, discovered in South America in 1872 by Hans Bümlaut (which has been recently verified to be over 50,000 years old), indicates that this mystery man, whom a number of Professors at both Oxford and Harvard believe to be the first man to tame and ride the last of the surviving dinosaurs, was more than just a myth: he was the father of the first video game.

Tablets found in Mesopotamia, recently authenticated and translated, are the earliest record we have of the name of this video game. Although the tablets in question refer to this "Mario" in the Sumerian tongue as "The Eater of Mushrooms," the etchings of his likeness all but confirm it is the same "Mario" that is found in so many ancient tablets, cave drawings, and holy scriptures, based on the descriptions provided: short, stout; a man possessing a kingly mustache, and one capable of leaping great heights and taming wild "dragons".

The etchings found on the tablets are too similar to the cave paintings found by Hans Bümlaut to be a coincidence; Mario is more than myth. He has appeared in tales and lore passed on by nearly every ancient culture, except for Chinese lore, because they're obviously fucking at fault for the extinction of the Dinosaurs and they can't hide the truth from me forever, no matter how many times they kick me out of their country

 

Though the tablets have suffered damage from the passage of time and are not capable of painting a complete picture, what is clear is that Mario, "The Eater of Mushrooms," created what was called, "Demon rock, breaker of earth." Now, here's where it gets interesting, so hold onto your dicks, or they just might get torn off by the g-force of how fast your worldview is about to change: after what we can only assume took him decades, possibly centuries, he birthed the first video game: "Demon rock, breaker of earth", more commonly known, in the modern tongue, as Asteroids.

 

It is believed that Mario created Asteroids to cope with the great cataclysm, and the loss of his last remaining dinosaur companion, referred to in the scrolls only as "Tongue Friend"

 

 

A rendering of the one referred to as "Tongue Friend", meticulously constructed using the fossil record and state-of-the-art super computers

 

Friends, my research has taken me all over the world. I have survived angry natives (remember to always pay for your meals, or at least be sure you're faster than the wait staff, the French are total dickholes when you just get up and try to leave without paying). I have endured threats from shadowy organizations that would do anything to keep the truth from you all, i.e. the Vatican, and GameStop. I have survived eating a fish sandwich on a Delta Airlines flight.

And, yes, the Vatican thing is partially on me: that fish sandwich did a number on my stomach, and I should not have panicked during the tour and taken a shit on the Pope's desk, but still, this was all to bring you the results of my research. I grant you, it is an incomplete record of the true origins of video games. But it's the nearest you're going to get to the real story.

Share my story. Do not let my research be for nothing. I am a man of science. A seeker of truth. Spread the word. I hope I have inspired at least a handful of you to carry on my research, to fill in the gaps that I could not, because of a now very severe case of diverticulitis. I may not be long for this world. I feel death closing in around me; the flame of life, dimming. I beg you all... take a shit on the Pope's desk for me. It is the only way we can let the corrupt powers that be know that we cannot be cowed, we cannot be silenced, and the truth will be brought to light.

And please tune in at 1:30 AM next Tuesday for my special on the History Channel. It's the only way we can win against the forces of darkness and ignorance.

I should not have eaten that fish sandwich: fuck you, Delta Airlines, that fish was clearly spoiled and I'll be seeing you assholes in court. I will also be representing myself as I cannot afford a lawyer, but my case is air-tight, unlike your stupid goddamn airplanes

- From my cold, dead hands.


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About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.