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LONG BLOG

Destructoid Chooses It's Own Adventure Volume 3

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Welcome back to my third CYOA style blog. Like the previous ones I'll leave a few ways the story could continue at the end of the chapter and you the reader can vote in the comments which of the choices you like the most. New chapters will come out Sundays. There will be six chapters total. Thank for you to those who contributed to chapter one by providing prompts. I hope you enjoy chapter one.

Chapter 1

I was surrounded. Surrounded by twenty - no thirty - screaming maniacs in a poorly lit room. Sweat dripped from my brow as I stood there, unsure of what to do next. I reached down to my belt and asked the mob, “So, you ready to party?”

From somewhere in the crowd I hear a voice cry out in a shriek, “Take it off!”

The rest of the women started to echo the cry. “Take it off! Take it off!” they chanted.

A sly smile crept across my face and I replied, “I hope you won’t regret that decision. After all, this is one big package.”

And with that double entendre I ripped off my delivery man costume to the collective howl of the crowd. They were really riled up now. 

I gyrated my hips and shook my toned pecs at the wild mob of women. I pointed a muscular hand toward one lady and cocked one eyebrow in her direction. She fainted instantly. The crowd erupted. I brushed my sandy blonde hair out of my eyes, and flashed my pearly whites. A coy smile graced my square jaw as I reached down to my speedo and looked out to the crowd.

A hush fell upon them as the waited in anticipation. I grinned widely as I flicked my wrist and removed the last bit of cloth between my manhood and the world.

Ten minutes later and I was officially off the clock. I was counting today’s haul in one hand while I slipped on my jeans with the other. I was now back in my civvies. My familiar jeans, hoodie, and tank top combo with some old beat up sneakers on my feet. The other guys walked by, offering me compliments on my performance. They were good guys. Real supportive. We were like a family.

Fully dressed I bid them adieu and headed out, still counting my large wad of ones as I walked out the strip club door and onto the streets of Southeast City. Superhero capital of the Midwest.

In the middle of counting the wad of bills from tonight’s show I heard a familiar cry. A cry I had heard a million times before. A cry for help.

I quickly rushed into the nearby alley and pulled open my backpack. Opening the secret pouch I had sewn into the bottom I pulled out my special outfit. I began to pull on my costume to become my alter ego.

Cow Man.

You see, stripping is just my day job. The perfect career to distract from my true calling. In truth, I am a superhero. Defender of the city and the enemy of crime.

How did this all happen you ask? Well it all started three years ago, on the family farm. I was hanging out in the field at night, admiring the stars when the strangest thing happened. As I was sitting there watching the stars one of them moved. At first I stood there, transfixed by the odd sight. Then I noticed it was getting closer and made the conclusion that I should move or be smoked by a meteorite. I barely managed to dive out of the way when it crashed into the ground. 

I approached the the crater created by the impact of the meteorite to discover it was not a meteorite at all! It was a tiny space craft. It was rounded and black, with golden rings etched into its side. The orb appeared seamless, I could see no trace of a window or door on it at all. I stared in awe at this tiny craft when suddenly a tiny opening appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.

From this opening a tiny three armed creature stumbled out. He was no bigger than four inches tall and bright orange. He had six eyes, two much lager than the other four. Strangely the two big ones were on the left side of his face, the four small ones on the right. He was completely nude, save for a tiny hat on his head. It almost looked alike a pirate hat. He was clearly disoriented from the crash and almost fell down a couple times. Eventually he fell to his knees and vomited a rainbow.

After I was sure he was done vomiting I asked him if he was okay, immediately feeling dumb for assuming he’d understand me. Before I could consider what I should do he replied, “I…I think so.”

I couldn’t react. He spoke English. What in the hell?

His voice was deeper than I’d expected. Like James Earl Jones deep. But raspy too. And it had a bit of a twang to it. Like he was Southern. He let out a groan and continued, “I mean, obviously I’m not great. My ship’s pretty fucked. Probably shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. Or high. But it was my buddy G’milgafranc’s bachelor party and I-wait are you a cop?”

After a very awkward silence I asked, “What?”

“‘Cause you have to tell me if your a cop…I think. I mean, right? Wait which galaxy is this?” he asked while staring at the sky. He pointed at the stars as if trying to get his bearings.

After watching him counting stars on his fingers and mumbling strange things to himself I said, “Um, I’m sorry but, this is my first time dealing with an alien and um, I’m not really sure what’s going on so…”

The little alien man turned to me and gave me a look. I could tell he was trying to figure me out. After he made his assessment he introduced himself. He said, “Name’s H’jarklebeaouf, though most people just call me Tony.”

He held out a tiny hand toward me. I held it gently in my own hand and shook it lightly. While we shook hands I responded, “My name’s Vincent.”

“Well Vincent,” Tony said with a smile, “I’m in a bit of a pickle. My ship is fucked. Just royally fucked. And I really need to get out of here. So if you could point me toward the nearest Universal Embassy I would much appreciate it.”

A hush fell over the scene. Awkwardly I said, “I, uh, I don’t think we have one of those.”

The smile fell from Tony’s face. He studied me even harder, mumbling things like “five fingers” and “two eyes” before finally asking, very tentatively, “This isn’t the Milky Way galaxy is it?”

I nodded.

Tony’s mouth went agape before he crumpled to the ground and started bawling. He screamed, “Of course I landed in this backwater galaxy! That’s just my luck! I’m surprised I managed stumbled upon a creature that understood me!”

This went on for several minutes. Tony complained about his situation and how much he hated the Milky Way galaxy. He said a lot of stuff. A lot of mean stuff. I eventually got a little miffed about it.

And then he said something that changed everything. “This is so stupid!” he cried, “All I need is a lithium power cell to replace my damaged ones but noooo, I had to crash in the damn space boonies!”

“Lithium power cells?” I asked Tony.

Tony gave me a condescending look and said, “Yeah. Little tubes powered by lithium. They come in different sizes. D, C, AA…”

“AAA?” I asked again, cocking one eyebrow. 

Tony’s smug look faded as he looked back at me and timidly replied, “Wait, do you know about lithium power cells?”

“I think so,” I responded, “Although I think we call them batteries here. Just hang on a minute I’ll grab some and see if they’re what you need.” 

Lithium Power Cells

I ran off toward the house and ran into my dad’s work shed. After rummaging in his desk for a few minutes I found my dad’s stash of batteries. There were all sorts of types so I just brought them all back to Tony and let him sort through them himself. Five minutes went by and Tony had found the batteries he needed. He quickly ran back into his ship and plugged them in. I heard him call out from inside, “Okay, time to see if these work!”

At first nothing happened and I thought I’d messed up. But soon I heard the ship’s engine hum to life. It had an eery synthesizer kind of sound to it. Like in those 80s horror films. The door shot back open and Tony leaned out with a wide grin on his face. He gave me a wave and called out, “Hey it worked! Thanks a lot Vincent! I owe you one!”

I smiled back and said, “Oh no problemo! I’m just glad things worked out.”

But Tony apparently meant what he said because he brushed off my comment and started to rummage around in his ship. A few moments later he produced a strange device and tossed it to me. He said, “Here kid. I got this at the bachelor party. I don’t know what it is, but my uncle Grrg said it was something special.”

And with that Tony ran back into his ship and a moment later he was gone.

So there I was standing in a field, holding a small, odd device. I knew not what it did and was a little frightened by that feeling of not knowing. However I figured if Tony’s uncle had given it to him it probably wouldn’t be dangerous. Right? He’d have to be a pretty shitty uncle to give his nephew something harmful. And so I looked over the small device until I found a button. With just a bit of hesitation I pushed it.

The device lit up and started flashing all sorts of lights. Strange, disjointed musical notes rang out from it. I stood there, eyes locked on it unable to look away. And then I heard a strange, robotic voice come out of it. The voice said, “Thank you for purchasing the Gene Splicer 9000. The gene transferral process will begin as soon as two carbon-based life forms are detected.”

Now, I was never the best at science, but I was aware of what gene splicing was and I had a good idea what carbon-based life forms were. I figured that if I came into contact with another living creature the gene splicing would begin. Luckily I was in the middle of a field with no one else around. I was just about to try to turn it off when it said, “Two carbon-based life forms detected. Gene splicing will begin in 10…9…8…”

I was stunned. What other carbon-based life form was it detecting. I was in the middle of a field. It was just me and the cows.

The cows.

I turned my head to see that a curious heifer had wandered over to see what all the hubbub was about. I was so surprised by hr sudden appearance I didn’t hear the countdown end. There was a flash of light and then my life changed forever.

Since that day I gained many unique abilities that I used to protect my city from evil. Tony had given me a gift he could not have guessed. I am grateful to him everyday. Because to be a hero is its own reward. And-

“Hey Cow Man, are you okay?”

My internal monologue was cut off by a young child tugging on my cape. He stared at me with bug, curious eyes. Apparently I had been so caught up in my nostalgia I had blacked out for a good ten minutes. I patted them boy on the head and rushed off toward the cry for help. Or at least where it had been ten minutes ago.

I ran for several blocks, my cow print cap flowing in the wind. My leather jacket covered the cow print spandex that covered most of my body. I reached up and adjusted my horned helmet as I attached the chin strap that I had forgotten to clasp during my nostalgic daydream. I ran until I found the scene of the dastardly evil. Cars were piled up like children’s blocks. Fire hydrants sprayed water into the streets. Total chaos everywhere I looked.

And on top of one pile of cars was the culprit. My archenemy. My nemesis. The very bane of my existence. True evil incarnate.

Professor Eggplant.

She stood on top of the cars, her purpled gloved hands on her hips. On her head was the familiar purple mask that seemed to seamlessly become part of her eggplant shaped beehive. A skintight body suit was covered by her white lab coat, the only thing she had left from her scientific career after she was kicked out for experimenting with dark magic. She called down to me, her smokey, raspy voice billowing out of her bright purple lips, “Hey Cow douche! Where the hell have you been? I’ve been so bored just waiting for you!”

I knew that my tardiness was due to my aforementioned embarrassing blackout, but rather than let her gain the upper hand I triumphantly called out, “Sorry to keep you waiting Miss Eggplant. I guess I just don’t take you all that seriously anymore.”

And then something strange happened. I expected her to get annoyed, like usual. To purse her lips and launch herself at me in a furor like always. Instead a smug smirk ran across her face and she said, “Well that will change.”

With that she jumped off the pile of vehicles and onto a motorcycle. She turned to me and called out, “Catch me if you can, Cow dork!”

She peeled away, extremely quickly. I’d never catch her on foot. I looked for a vehicle that wasn’t wrecked. I found only one. And old pick up truck. It was rusty and looked like it wasn’t exactly eco-friendly. But I had no choice. So I jumped in and fetched my special universal key from my utility belt. The key turned, the engine roared to life, and the chase was on.

I raced after Professor Eggplant down the city streets. At first, the chase was easy. The truck, while ancient and gross, was pretty fast and kept up with the motorbike easily. But then everything changed when Professor Eggplant took a turn. Because it was then that I realized something horrifying.

This truck had no power steering.

I barely made the turn without crashing. I had to focus all my strength and energy on not smashing straight into a local adult video store. After narrowly avoiding crashing into the smut store where I had an outstanding overdue rental fee I saw something that made my blood run cold.

In the middle of the street stood an enormous, mutant eggplant. It wad tentacle like vines for arms and a mouth filled with fangs It’s blood red eyes focused on me as it let out a blood curdling screech.

I realized now that this had been Professor Eggplant’s plan all along. And I had fallen for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

I had to think fast.

End of Chapter 1

Now its time to decide how the story will continue. Choose one of the options below and leave your choice in a comment below. The fate of Cow Man is in your hands.

A) Cow Man leaps out of the rust bucket and onto the street to face this new monster head on!

B) Cow Man hits the gas and launches the truck into the monster. While still inside!

C) Cow Man hits the brakes and gets out of the vehicle calmly. He then walks toward the monster slowly, like a bad ass!

Thanks to Fivefinger Delta, Flanx, Mike Sounders, Rolanberry Prins whose suggestions were used in this chapter. If you would like to play along for chapter two I need more suggestions. This time I will need an office supply and a color.

I hope you enjoyed chapter one. Thanks for reading!

- Thank You For Reading, And Remember: Hot Dogs are Sandwiches. #TeamSandwich


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About dephoenixone of us since 10:41 AM on 03.01.2016

Former Head of Destructoid's Unofficial Book Club, Former Head of the Unofficial Book of the Month Club, Wes's Unofficial Father, and Self-Appointed Supreme High Priest of #TeamSandwich.

Super Mario Bros. 3 was the very first game (I remember) playing. Since then I have been a big fan of the medium.

I'm an avid gamer and aspiring writer. RPGs and platformers are my bread and butter, but I'm also a fair action/adventure guy too. Really there are no genres I outright dislike, just individual games. Every game genre offers something different, and I've come to love the variety. I feel the same way with comics, movies, manga, etc. Not really hung up on "genres", I just like what I like, and I don't care what genre it is.

Recently I've been trying to "break out of my shell" by getting out of my comfort zone and trying things I normally would not. Because of this I have discovered lots of new games, books, manga, shows, and movies that I now love. I do my part now to try to help others expand their horizons and get out of their own familiar space and try new things.

Destructoid has been a big help in getting me to broaden my horizons, and interact with more people outside my familiar circle of friends and acquaintances. I've come to love this site, and look forward to sharing more with you knuckleheads.

#TeamSandwich