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Rolled Out! Looks Great, and Sega Can Frig Off


I take that line back immediately. I love Sega. I mean, I just dropped like 250 bucks on a Mega SG. Ecco the Dolphin is my favorite game. But Sega, right up until Sonic Mania, was fucking the dog with their mistreatement of many key franchises. And Sonic Mania feels more like a one-off miracle than it does a vision of the future when the very next Sonic game coming out is basically Sonic R. (I mean it looks fine, but why not Sega All Stars? Why limit it to Sonic characters again? For fuck sakes.)

Apart from Sonic, whose image is forever tainted after his horrifying new visage was revealed in the Sonic movie trailer, and immediately brought back to the drawing board because it immediately induced nightmares in child and adult alike, one of the biggest recievers of the proverbial shaft has been the Super Monkey Ball series.

The last time I played a Monkey Ball game was at a Chuck E Cheese. It was the worst fucking thing ever, and all based around collecting tickets so my kids could buy a gumball after investing forty dollars into what essentially boils down to gambling catered toward children. Super Monkey Ball hasn't had a proper good game in a while, and even a collection of the first two gmes on Switch or something would go a long way to rekindle brand awareness.

The game is absolutely batshit crazy. Marble games are a dime a dozen, but none of them even come close to Monkey Ball. The tricks and traps in the game are beyond diabolical. It has the kind of design that allows you to do things which make you feel like you are constantly bending and breaking its systems, and that is a fantastic, wonderful thing. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than playing a game where you feel like you beat the games own mechanics in order to get past a particularly difficult obstacle, and the skill curve of Monkey Ball is such where it is practically required.

Of course this is the nougat, covered in a gooey, candy colored coating of beautiful, colorful aesthetics, peppy music, and cuteness. A monkey? In a hamster ball? And his monkey friends? Fuck, sign me up.

But there is hope, my little goslings. Because there is a new indiegogo project up called Rolled Out! which has already been funded and then some. I even threw a few bucks in myself, so I guess you could say I am officially now biased, but it looks wonderful. And alpha impressions have shown that mechanically, it feels eerily similar to Monkey Ball in every way. Even the way the camera dives down and watches the hamster ball fly into the stratosphere is there. This simply IS Monkey Ball, in a world where no one gives a shit about Monkey Ball anymore, least of all Sega. And that's a glorious thing.

So Sega - fuck you. I mean, not really but, maybe you could get your shit together and give Monkey Ball fans what they want instead of, you know, nothing at all? It'd be great. Until you do, there is a new game in town, a project full of love with 300 promised levels. But I'd still love to see another Monkey Ball regardless.

If you are like me, and love Monkey Ball, check this shit out, it looks awesome.

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About Joel Petersonone of us since 8:14 AM on 11.07.2013

I write the things other people don't write, with liberal fart jokes thrown in for good measure. I like old games, old computers, old consoles, and old pizza.

Here are some blogs what I done did and were promoted to the front page.

Location: The Cold And The Beautiful

The Great Quest of Stupid

Fathers Day

I Have No VR And I Must Scream