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This is the First, Only and Best 'Super Mario Galaxy' Review You Will Ever Have the Privilege of Witnessing


I was going to write this very long review of Super Mario Galaxy. I love this game so much, I could go on and on about it. Like, you know ... ever, out of curiosity, ask a Trekker why Klingons look so different in the original Star Trek? But instead of getting a brief answer, you get 2 hours worth of plot details and a Klingon history lesson? They don't so much bend your ear as much as they tear your ear off and eat it like a peanut M&M, right? Well, my original planned review was a lot like that. As I was thinking about it, I realized that not only was it going to be filled with stuff nobody cares about, it was going to be filled with stuff people already knew/said about Super Mario Galaxy long before I would. So I aborted my original idea like a high school pregnancy and opted to make that ever so classic internet-literary-cop-out: A List.

Here we go-o.

Things I liked:

1) Walking around the Observatory is like walking through Disney World for the first time as a little kid. Music, topiary, lights, everything.

2) Incredible amounts of variety between levels. And not just the typical Fire, Ice, Water, etc. Sometimes, I felt like I was walking and jumping through an abstract painting. Video games are art blah blah blah.

3) The music? Incredible. Thanks for asking.

4) It takes the best elements of Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Sunshine, puts them together and then multiplies it by 10. Am I saying it's better than SM64? If you think Galaxy is better, yes. If you think SM64 is better, no. I don't have time for pointless internet arguments.

5) The game is easy enough to keep me playing but hard enough to keep me on my toes. I could summarize the former sentence with a phrase but I need to pad this review out to make it look longer than it actually is.

6) The controls are near perfect.

7) Testing out the gravity effects is a game onto itself. Long jumping across small planets [email protected] YEAH!

8) I pretty much love the entire game. Pretty much.

Things I don't like:

1) F'ing Luigi, man. Always getting into trouble. Listen, I love Luigi. But sometimes the motherf&%@er needs to understand that it's O.K. to stay home and let Mario handle things sometimes.

2) I found shooting fireballs by waggling to be imprecise and a bit more trouble than it's worth in high-stress situations.

3) Some of the great new power-ups are disturbingly underused. ;_;

4) 'Spring Mario' is disturbingly overused. I did not like that power-up at all.

5) I loved 98% of the levels but hated 2% of the levels. Being cynical, I tend to dwell on the 2% of levels I hated.

6) 97.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

7) Despite getting near perfect scores on metacritic, Christian Bale does not make an appearance in the game. I call bullshit.

8) Despite the theme being 'space' and 'the universe,' the game barely scratches the surface of 'String Theory.' Disappointing.

9) As you can see, I have to make up stuff to complain about. This is a problem. Especially on the internet.

Things I Learned from Super Mario Galaxy:

*Mario can breathe in space but not underwater.

*A good JAWS game is entirely possible and long as Miyamoto is project lead (you'll see what I mean.)

*Stars are cannibals.

*Despite Mario being able to shoot fire out of his hands with the fire flower, lava still burns him.

*Super Mario Galaxy causes me to awkwardly tilt my head without realizing it.

*The universe has a rodent problem and Mario must shake them down for information.

*Bowser has great hair.

*Interplanetary travel is easy. Just spin really fast.

*Monsters shoot fruit at you.

*Fruit also happens to be their greatest weakness.


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About Riser Glenone of us since 4:35 PM on 05.14.2007