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LONG BLOG

Spyro Has Made Me Sad

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I sit her in my best corduroy, sipping my happy time tea (it's lemon and tumeric, it doesn't involve opioids) and contemplating age and the looming inevitability of death. Now, despite the way this post started, it might surprise you that it isn't the fact that I've started dressing like my dad or even the fact that I'm sipping on old people tea - sounds grosser than I intended, I could change the wording...I will not.

No, it's actually Spyro the Dragon that's made me contemplate my age. For the record, I'm twenty eight, which isn't actually old at all - unless you're under the age of twenty eight and especially if you're a teenager. I've been playing the Reignited Trilogy since release day now - intermitently flitting between it and Read Dead 2, obviously. So far I've completed Ripto's Rage 100% and Year of the Dragon 117% (it truly was a joy to kick the shit out of Moneybags again) and I've just started the original...I will not be going back to it though, really should have played them in order.

I've went off topic a bit so I'll reign it in. Whilst playing I've been keeping a running tally of how many times I've had to look up a guide for either of those games. Every now and again there's some errant orb or egg hidden away someplace I can't find no matter how many walls I hug, or one of those speedways will fuck me over for the millionth time - seriously, speedways suck. The final tally stands at thirteen between both games.

That doesn't sound like an awful lot really and to be honest I've never had a problem with having to get help from a walkthrough - I've got a hefty ego, but it ain't that out of whack. However, it stung each time I had to check out the hints and tips section for Spyro because I completed these games when I was like six years old.

Keep in mind that six year old me was living in the pre-broadband wasteland. I'm talking dial-up modems for days. If you're young and lucky enough not to know what the hell I'm talking about then look up a dial-up modem's sound on YouTube and just have a little listen for a while. Jesus. Christ.

Does this mean that I'm somehow stupider than I was twenty two years ago? I mean, almost certainly yes. There's a ton of stuff I did in my teen years/early twenties that I won't detail here that no doubt took a toll on the ol' grey matter, but it doesn't stop it being profoundly upsetting and it has actually sort of periodically detracted from my joy during the game.

If there's some kind of legitimate psychological reason for this then please let me know so that I can go back to dressing like an old person in peace. For now, I'm going to blame my numerous medications.

...fuck Moneybags.

- A lady in the sheets, a freak in the streets


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About Free Story DLCone of us since 8:34 AM on 12.03.2018

A Scottish person who sounds like a Simpsons character and thinks they're far funnier than they actually are. I also have the strongest shirt game in town depending on how bad your taste in clothing is.

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