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The Abomination of the Nintendo Universe

As much as I love the Nintendo universe and characters, there’s one character who regardless of the genre or story always manages to annoy the hell out of me. Granted it wouldn’t be so bad if Nintendo didn’t insist whoring the character love fest with Mario Party after Mario Party, but sometimes the repeated exposure to the very object of your hatred ruins the entire experience. Ordinarily I wouldn’t have a problem with the character love, hell I’m probably one of the biggest Smash fans around and I would be more than glad have a go at Mario Kart upon request, but when Nintendo makes the festering boil on their otherwise immaculate ass a reoccurring character, you can’t help but wonder what the hell they’re thinking. This plague upon the gaming universe? Well, that would be none other than Bowser Jr.

A lot of people seem to have trouble discerning where the hell this little shit came from. Infact, most people still wrongly identify him as “Baby Bowser.” I used to regularly make this mistake until recently; however, if you still do, you’re really not far off mark. Allow me to elaborate on the origins of this pest. First came along Yoshi’s Island, probably one of the best Mario platformers in its own right. With it came the whole baby character versions of the characters we’re already familiar with. That’s all well and good, and I actually enjoyed seeing the baby form of Bowser as a villain to our non-mustachioed Mario. But hold on, a light bulb went off over in Nintendo HQ and they saw the whole “cute” aspect of Mario blow wide open as a potential marketing draw. Lo and behold, Baby Bowser made another appearance in Yoshi’s Story. Nintendo, not missing a beat, decided to ride this baby mantra for all its worth and subsequently included characters like Baby Mario and Baby Luigi in games like Mario Golf and Tennis. But then somewhere down the line some jerkoff at Nintendo thought it would be a great idea to use Baby Bowser as an antagonist in a platformer rather than character fodder for party games. Oh but how would we do this without a time paradox yet be acceptable enough to work with for a story? Thus Bowser Jr. is born and we have nothing but Mario Sunshine to thank for it.

I’m sure some of you out there are thinking “So, he’s just another Nintendo character, what’s the big deal?” Well, you’re missing the point. Because of Bowser Jr’s sheer existence, other deserving characters are getting the shaft. No, I’m not talking about Luigi (even if he tends to not get enough time in the spotlight), I speak that of a few little turtles that made Mario platformers what they are today. That’s right, the mother fuckin’ Koopalings.

These guys helped make Super Mario Bros. 3 the timeless classic it is today. They made a much welcomed second appearance in Super Mario World, again reminding us what a true Mario platformer is supposed to be. One of the best Super Scope games, Yoshi Safari, was even graced by their glorious presence. And if you’ve managed to play Mario & Luigi, which you should have because its frickin’ awesome, you’d know they showed up in their rightful forms as mini-bosses. Oh and Hotel Mario… well, it’s not like you’ve played Hotel Mario anyway.

Let’s see what Baby Bowser/Bowser Jr. has contributed to the Mario series. Super Mario Sunshine? A second-rate Super Mario 64. New Super Mario Bros? Yeah, a let down as far as I’m concerned. I was expecting Super Mario Bros. 4 but got Super Mario Bros. 1 ˝. Not bad but not the true 2D Mario successor I’ve been waiting for. Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time? EPIC FAIL. A shoddy sequel to an awesome game. The personality wasn’t there and neither was a decent fighting system. Yoshi’s Island DS? Yet another victim of anticipated sequel floundering.

With the advent of Galaxy, deep down inside I was hoping that Miyamoto would look inside his heart and decide to bring back those adorable little black magic water imp inspired turtles in glorious 3D. Hell, I even had it all planned out in my head. Larry would have a world themed as a throwback to SMW as the typical introductory level. Wendy O. would have a Delfino Isle-esk paradise world with a tropical flare. The ball riding Lemmy could get a spherical circus type world to pay homage to his hobby. Iggy could have a trippy psychedelic world, much like his hair. Ludwig Von would even manage to take up the Luigi’s Masion theme. Sit him infront of a pipe organ and have him go to town, just like Ganondorf. Oh, and give him a cape. He needs a freaking cape. It would be awesome! The airships and SMB3 music in the previews served no purpose other than to rekindle my hopes of such becoming a reality.

But then it happened.

Clicking through a Galaxy picture gallery, I saw him staring me in the face… piloting an airship no less. Nintendo! I shake my fist furiously at thee!

While my disdain for this monster knows no bounds, I already have an inkling that something like this might happen:

When you think about it, the chances of it happening aren’t that farfetched. Donkey Kong got his light weight counterpart in the form of Diddy and Kirby got the heavyweight Deedeedee as his nemesis in Brawl. I won’t be at all surprised when we get our light version of Bowser. The writing is on the wall, much to my chagrin.

So it looks like the Koopalings won’t have their much deserved revival any time soon. That won’t keep me from wishing for it. I just hope that one day Bowser’s baby making counterpart comes back into the picture to collect on unpaid child support payments and it comes down to Mario to save the world (and Bowser) from a greater evil. You heard it here first.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on Petey Piranha and Waluigi…
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About ZekeThePlumberone of us since 5:47 PM on 11.16.2006