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LONG BLOG

Grave Shift Security Guard Study Guide (GSSGSG)

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Hot fudge sundae with nuts! Are you ready to learn how to become a Grave Shift Security Guard? God have pity on your poor soul. You're about to enter a job that will make lines at the DMV seem fun. Sit down, listen up, and hit me baby one more time.

Patrol

The first thing to be aware of is all the walking. You'll probably pretend to do it a lot on grave shift. While on patrol you want to look out for things like suspicious people and potential hazards.

Normally if someone is just walking by or going through trash, not causing a problem or making a mess, it's not a big deal. But no site wants people sleeping on property, so you have to learn where people will try to hide. Places like this are always good to check. I mean, not always. Okay, they are mostly terrible, but you're going to do it anyway!

Here is an example of something that looks out of place. Make sure to mark it down so management can tell housekeeping to clean the place up!

You will also have time to admire your surroundings while on patrol, and play "Graffiti or art?" also known as "Vandalism or nah?" Here are some examples of things you can admire while trying to stay awake.

Jesus Christ!

Make sure that while on patrol that you pick up loose change, because you will not be seeing a raise or holiday bonus this year.  Don't spend all your findings in one place!

Access Control and Basic Materials

It's important that as a security guard you know what keys and access you have. You see, there's a balancing act between the client and security company on where to draw the line of trust. Clients trust you enough to stay overnight, but they will often keep certain keys away from you. Make sure to ask about work often, as there is little to no communication between you and the site you work for. There will be expectations for you even if you don't know it! This is usually the result of a bad history with guards. Bet you can't wait to leave your mark on company policy.

For access, it's important to know where you can escape in case of an emergency, or if there are some safe spaces to fall alseep where the boss can't find you. This (top image) is an area you are not suppose to be in, and the picture beneath it (bottom image) is a safe you are not suppose to open. Break both rules with caution.

Safe

Besides keys, another thing you want to become familiar with is the company phone. You will need it to call the police (usually the non-emergency number) or order pizza. Everyone loves pizza! I like pineapple on mine. With anchovies.

Customer Service, Liability, and Responsibility

Dealing with people is part of the job. You will find the general public lacking in common sense and human decency. On grave that is amplified.

Knowing what you know about people, how do you think you should approach the figure below who is trespassing? (You might have a hard time seeing him, he's under the light in the door frame.)

"Stop right there, criminal scum! Nobody breaks the law on my watch!" Is not the correct answer. In this situation you should have reasoned that the company does not pay you enough to die and are already out the front door while sprinting at full speed.

Here is another peculiar person. He is upset because the the hours of operation do not fit in with his personal life. He does not understand why your site is closed at night, even though the place shut down a decade ago. He is personally going to blame you for this inconvenience as though you have control over anything in your life. He wants his emotions to be validated, but his way of expressing himself with an axe is wrong.

You probably think you're rough and tough and hard to bluff. But you ain't. A fight is bad for both parties because without a doubt it will lead to a lawsuit and you can come under fire for defending yourself. You'll get sued, the site will get sued, the security company will get sued, that opossum you chased off the other day will probably get sued. Even worse, the resulting conflict will generate an enormous report. Who wants to write and read all that?

The best course of action is to run around the site like a chicken with your head cut off until the perpetrator gets tired and passes out or leaves. Don't forget to scream and flail your arms.

Daily Activity Report

At the end of your shift you will be filing a Daily Activity Report (DAR). Some sites still use paper, those sites probably still wipe their butts with corn cobs. Everyone else has transitioned to computers. Probably looks something like this. 

Some lucky sods get all the new tech! Make it look good by glorifying how you chased off a rodent and ignore the parts where you sat on your rear and watched Netlfix. You made it!

Screenshots are from a game I won on Destructoid called Uventa. GSSGSG does not reflect the morals, story, or gameplay of Uventa. This is not an actual guide to being a good security guard.

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About Boxed Swineone of us since 2:59 PM on 12.11.2012

It all started with Jebediah Swine, a real salt of the earth man who farmed truffles. He was eventually cut down by an angry mob for having coitus with a pig.

From their unholy union came Beelzebub Swine, known for terrorizing the land until his untimely death at the hands of a jealous barmaid. He was later turned into bacon.

Part of his soul was digested and reincarnated as Ichabod Swine, the great detective and specialist of the occult. He said that all that has happened was part of some prophecy to bring back ancient, evil Gods. No one really cared to listen.

Like, eight generations later, there is me.

I am an Eldritch Horror from the interweb long forgotten. Beware as you enter the Palace of Swine!