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LONG BLOG

On Ron's behest, a lesson in cutting through the PR bullsh1t

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I sent this out the other night to the crew and Ron told me to post this for all to see. So, what this is me being bored and taking one of the five billion PR emails we get a day and breaking it down into normal, honest people speak. If you weren't aware, PR people get aid a whole lot of cash to make shitty things sound good, so you really need to be able to cut through the BS to get to the truth. Below, is the email I sent out in its entirety. Enjoy.



"In an effort to be cured of late night boredom, I've taken the PR tip that Joe sent in today and added my own 2’ to each game description. I was almost worried that the XBLA service was going downhill, but after seeing what the mighty house of green has in store for us, all my fears have been allayed. Besides, I'm bored.

http://arstechnica.com/journals/thumbs.ars/2007/10/29/microsoft-releases-xbox-live-arcade-schedule-including-new-mutant-storm

* N+ – Play as an acrobatic ninja in this addictive action-puzzle platformer. N+ features inadvertently homicidal robots, stylish graphics, a level editor, and intense multiplayer awesomeness.

* Hey. remember that game that you can play on the Internet, for free? Ya' know, the free one? The one that's free, on the Internet? Yeah, that's this game.

* Screwjumper! – Players take the plunge in Screwjumper! and free-fall into the depths of the chaotic underworld as a Screwjumper, driving aliens back to their home world by destroying their precious mining equipment.

* Holy shit! Those fucking Earthmen are destroying our GODDAMN MINING EQUIPMENT!! It's almost of if these events are some horrible XNA collision of Miner 2049'er and pure, distilled unimaginativeness!!

* SHREK-N-ROLL– Gamers join Shrek Fiona, Donkey, Puss in Boots and 20 other twisted fairy tale friends in this hilarious puzzle game designed for ogres of all ages.

* Pretend it's the year 2000 and you're an Xbox marketing guy. Not only do you spend all of E3 2000 telling anyone who will listen that the Xbox can do bump mapping four times in every fucking sentence, you and your cohorts think that paying a shit-ton of dollars for the Shrek franchise will make the Xbox fly (fly damn you!) right of the shelves. This XBLA title is proof the M$ still hasn't made a single dime, nor a good game, from that decision. (IT"S GOT BUMP MAPPING!!!!)

* SpongeBob SquarePants: Underpants Slam – In this quick and fun game, players search the kitchen of the Krusty Krab, the Flying Dutchman's ship, and the Armoury of Atlantis for 99 pairs of underpants.

* Instead of mocking this title, I'll just rate it on the scale of 1 to Nebraska. Nebraska being the most amount of suck you can ass-fuck into the Sponge Bob franchise to completely derive it of any fun whatsoever. This game gets ten Nebraskas.

* Switchball – Based on real-world physics, Switchball is an intricate puzzle game set in a stunning 3-D world where players control an ever-changing ball along a narrow, winding course suspended in midair.

* Thank god that someone finally came up with the idea of merging Katamari with high tension tightrope walking. I mean, I know that there have been Katamari tightrope games before, but this one has real-world physics. That's right bitch: Real. World. Physics. When you fall off that tightrope with your Katamari, you go straight muthafuckin' down. I heard they almost had to put this shit on the Xbox 720. But then that would be fucking retarded, wouldn't it?

* Undertow – This fast-paced action-shooter sends gamers underwater as they battle up to 16 players for control of the oceans! Players race to upgrade their units as they engage in non-stop conquest-style battles through multiple levels of combat action with some of the most stunning graphics ever seen in an Xbox LIVE Arcade title.

* In this fast paced ... ah!! What the fuck?! I'm suddenly being attacked by giant bees that all have the head of Richard Nixon and are wailing the theme song from Rainbow Brite in unison at me! What the ... Ah ... okay. They've left now. Alright, so what piece of shit game were we talking about again?

* Word Puzzle – The classic pen-and-paper word search game is brought to a new level of excitement on Xbox LIVE Arcade, complete with combos, high-score achievements and the ability to compete against others online.

* O_O Are you serious?! No really? I'm not even joking in the slightest way. Someone at Microsoft thought that putting the retarded cousin of the fucking Hide-a-word puzzles on a video game system was a good idea? "Hi, I'm Microsoft, and I have an incredibly bad Meth addiction. I've been sober for NONE days." Retards.


Have an nice day, folks!"


So, yeah, this is what I do when I'm bored.
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About Dysonone of us since 3:20 AM on 10.30.2006



When not protecting the world from the injustices on all things non-awesome, I have some time to play some games. Not much time, but I do what I can. There's a lot of non-awesome in the world, so myself and the rest of the members of Team Awesome stay quite busy.

Also, I live in San Francisco, so if you're in the area or see me around say hi. I promise I won't bite. I work full-time for two different video game related companies. At one I test the vidja games. At the other I do PR for video games. Eventually I will only be doing the PR gig, so I'll finally have some free time in which I can return to hosting RetroforceGO!

I'd tell you the names of the companies, but I think the one I test for would probably have a hissy fit if their legal department knew there was a Destructoid Associate Editor in their testing department ;)


Random bullshit:

I like pizza rolls
Diet Pepsi is win
I have a yellow Cuban pimp suit



I'm Scorpio
SNES was prolly my most favorite system
I have a cape and wear it often
I do not like banana flavored candy of any kind
I drink beer from brown paper bags
Weezer's El Scorcho pretty much describes me
You can always crash on my couch
I flip a coin like Two-face to make decisions






Xbox LIVE:DysonG
Mii code:7188 1046 5902 9604


 

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