Since coming down from San Francisco, to Fresno, back to my home of Orance County Southern California, I've been hustling for a job. I hustled for myself, for my marriage, and for my confidence. But today my wife and I came to the conclusion that things are too painful. Maybe the us from earlier in our relationship would try to salvage it, tooth and nail, but the us that are living in the now, in varying degrees of debt and job satisfaction, decided to cut our losses in order to end things amicably. As of right now, we are still legally married, but in a few days we'll be filing for divorce.
Dtoid is a place where I can talk to people freely and frankly. It's where we don't know each other personally yet can be as personal as we want. Which is why after talking today about divorcing each other, about how our love had been tested and where our love has gone, and where we go in order to achieve our individual success and happiness, I wanted to come here for comfort. Suddenly the person I talk to every day is just another person. We're divorcing amicably, and we'll do so in simplified terms (no-fault divorce as I've researched), and I want to stay friends, but its still no less painful. My wife supported me financially for so long and I could never rise high enough to be her equal. There's just no love anymore with feelings of failure and strain. To me, it feels like I'm being forced to shelf a puzzle I've been working on for nearly a decade. I have to reset everything I'd done and put it away. Her waiting for me to grow as a person with a solid foundation hurts her. And any time spent next to her makes me feel inadequate and shameful.
This is a deeply personal matter that I'm talking about, but like I said, nearly every day for the past 10 years I spent talking to her, and in a few days barring any dramatic change in feelings, we'll just be friends at best and acquaintances at worst. I have friends on Facebook but I largely don't keep up. In the coming weeks and months, I am going to try reconnecting with old friends so that I can't find myself the emotional support to fill this void I have now. And that brings me to posting here in Dtoid, because obviously I talk and connect with all of you, on the FP, on Qtoid, on cbogs, and on Discord.
I've posted about my relationship before, from stories of being together, gifts, photos of our dates, and even my wedding, so it feels only right that I bring this up. Next comes all that complicated social media and Facebook, but its necessary since I want to reconnect with friends for support. And hopefully in the coming months, I'll find a job that let's me stand on my own, financially stable and ready to consider myself a functioning adult.The first thing I want to do as a truly independant adult is buy myself a pet. We started taking care of guinea pigs this year and despite thinking taking care of pets would be a drag, I really turned around on the idea of taking care of a pet. Now because of where our lives went, the guinea pigs are better off with her since living with my parents, they don't want pets in their house.
The first thing on my mind after success is not salvaging a relationship or dating again, but to have my own pet that'll give me a sense of companionship I'll sorely be wanting.
Just know that all this is personal venting, and has nothing to do with what I try to bring as part of Destructoid's community staff. Of course everyone familar with my hardship gives their understanding that life happens, this separation isn't necessarily all about the pain of being together but the need to start our lives anew. She's proven herself to be focused and successful and wants to discover herself again without worrying about money. And I want to get myself out of the hole that is job marketability and my own personal debt. While it's proven to be manageable for the most part, I can't move forward in my life without something I feel proud to do as a living, with a living wage.
So cheers Destructoid. This is truly a new Marcel Hoang now. Thanks for reading something NVGR.