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LONG BLOG

Reviewing Games I’ve Never Played: StarTropics

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StarTropics (NES)
Release Date: Dec 01 1990
Price: @$50

If The Legend of Zelda and Final Fantasy had an ugly baby, this would be it.
Some goofy looking kid in a denim jacket named Mike finds himself of an Island and probably has to save a princess of something sexist that implies that girls are weak and only good at getting kidnapped.

The over world map is shaped like a crescent moon so I’m guessing that it’s pretty easy for your cousin, Bimmy, to get lost. No offense, but Bimmy is an idiot and you should probably stop letting him play your NES if you don’t want him chewing on your controllers.
I imagine the map is littered with stupid dungeons that rip off The Legend of Zelda with the idea, “What if Link could jump?” or “What if Link had a super cool name like… Mike?” (Seriously, what awful parent would name their kid Mike? Gross!)

Judging from some screenshots, it looks like there are half a million dungeons filled with monsters, cultists and undead that Mike (seriously…ugh) has to defeat with his trusty yo-yo because that’s fair. At some point, the kid fights a giant octopus and all suspension of disbelief goes right out the window. Have you ever tried to kill a giant octopus with a yo-yo? No? I have! That Mollusc fucked me up!
Clearly, the other islanders entrusted this task to Mike because they also hate his name and expect him to die.
There also appears to be an area that rips off the organ scene from The Goonies, a superior film about child adventurers and the importance of learning how to read music.

Speaking of music (nailed that segway), since this is clearly a half-assed Zelda clone, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it has the same soundtrack but played with a midi ukulele since everything else is uninspired and dumb.

If you can stomach your way to the end, you’ll face off against the evil Zoda whom believes his parents were much better at naming their children. Eternal foes Mike and Zoda face off wielding yo-yos and black magic until one dumb name wins the title of “Island’s Biggest Reject.”

Pretty sure that's how it all goes down; which is why I never played it.
StarTropics scores a poop emoji out of 10.

Got a game you think I’ve never played? Give me your suggestions and I’ll review it off of little to no information.

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About ZombieC0RPSone of us since 7:30 AM on 05.26.2010

I'm Frost, the founder and least active member of Zombie Corps. I am also the co-founder of GrindCorps and CEO of Dead Pixels, LLC! I make a bunch of shirts and stuff that express my love of video games as well as this amazing community! The team and I always appreciate your support. Check us out!
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