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LONG BLOG

A9uaphobia

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(This is an uber scary Halloween story. It is not for the faint of heart, because it will fondle your brain in ways you have never experienced. Viewer discretion is advised.)

The rain made the window wet like water touching glass. It was gloomy outside as a storm rolled in from somewhere far away. Somewhere evil. Wind shooked the branches of our family tree outside the wet window. The glass cried from such a dark day.

Ka-Chow!

Lightning flashed through the veil of Gloom.

Ka-Chow! Ka-Chow!

I turned around to look at my friends. They had started the next area in Pikmin and were sitting around the television. Taylor was sitting on the loveseat my parents found at a garage sale two blocks away. Kenneth was sitting on a bean bag chair. I took my seat next to Taylor, who had a Gamecube controller in his hand. Kenneth, the cool guy of the group, was more focused with playing Pokemon Blue on his Game Boy. (Everybody knew his favorite was Pokemon Emerald because it was the only game he managed to get --P-o-k-e-r-u-s- on.) He was trying to figure out what to name his Blastoise.

"Heh, what if I named him Squirtle?" Kenneth snorted before fixing the collar of his leather jacket.

"First of all," Taylor responded, his eyes fixed on the screen as he navigated Distant Spring. "That is a dumb joke. Secondly, joke names are outdated. It was hard enough trading Pokemon when the game came out. Who is left nowadays to be surprised by your humor?"

"That's because everyone is playing newer games. New games are trash! They're lame." Kenneth decided against the name idea.

"I would rather be playing the 'new trash'. Every time I suggest Bioshock 2 you get all opinionatededededededededed." Taylor made a face as he said that last part. "It is not even that new."

"It wasn't as good as the first. It was actually borderline terrible. Everyone knows that. Rather play Call of the Dead by myself."

"Nein, but whatever you say."

I finally spoke up. "Hey, my dude, pay attention. You're going to get wiped by a Yellow Wollywog." Taylor got back into the game and maneuvered his army away from the frog, but it was too late, as a Pikmin at the edge of the group was close enough to get wog crushed. A single little blue soul watched me through the television screen with hollow eyes.  I never got over the feeling of watching Pikmin die.

"Gosh darn it! There goes my perfect game! I am done." Taylor pouted. "You still got Sunshine? I would like to move on from this game."

"No problem. Let me do something real quick." I took the controller from Taylor and whistled the Pikmin into groups where I selected eight to follow me. Those eight I fed to a Spotty Bulbear. I'm so sorry.

"What are you doing?" Taylor asked. Kenneth had looked up from his Game Boy to see as well.

"It's just something I have to do." I told them both.

Ka-Chow!

The lightning grabbed our attention before I had could to explain further. It sounded as terrifying as before, but slightly different. It sounded like a blast from Pelagia.

"W-when are your parents suppose to be back?" Taylor asked.

"Not until Sunday night, at the latest. Pa went to see my half-brother Shane."

"What's today again?" Kenneth asked, staring cautiously through the window.

"Halloween. It is Wednesday, my dudes." The rain poured heavier. "Thanks for coming ogre. Just saying."

Kenneth and Taylor nodded but kept their eyes on the storm.

Kenneth broke the trance and headed towards the cellar. "All right, I'm thirsty. Anyone else want some Dew? No? No? Suit yourselves. I don't think we're getting any trick-or-treaters with this weather. But we can still celebrate. Why don't you pop in a movie? I'm thinking Resident Evil."

"You just want to gawk at Milla," Taylor remarked.

"Her Hotness is a very talented woman."

I smirked, not just at Kenneth's comment, but also remembering Resident Evil. I played Revelations just a week ago. The series as a whole inspired me to turn my house into a game one day. I hid artifacts and keys, survived 'zombies' and solved puzzles. I actually lost the key that opens the attic somewhere in the backyard. My parents were miffed.

"Holy moly!" We heard Kenneth scream from downstairs. "Guys! We got a problem!"

Taylor and I rushed downstairs to see nine cases of Mountain Dew had explodeded. The bursted cans reminded me of a room filled with empty ovomorphs. The floor, however, looked spotless.

"Did you buy them like this?!" Kenneth questioned.

"Yea, Kenneth, they were half-off. No, we didn't buy them like this! This has got to be a joke. Are you pulling my leg?" I questioned my friend, the situation made me Krabby.

"Hey, man, I just wanted something to drink. I didn't have time to pull a prank. I swear!"

I eyed Taylor for a reaction, but he seemed oblivious to the situation.

"Well something happened. I don't see a puddle of Dew anywhere. It must have drained out somehow."

Nothing turned up during our investigation, but we did find three untouched cans. We each took one and headed back upstairs. Kenneth drunk his right away.

"That was strange." Taylor remarked. "I'm feeling hungry, maybe eating will clear my mind enough to solve the Mystery of the Missing Mountain Dew."

"I got buns, chili and Franks." I told Taylor.

"I thought were having enchiladas?!" Kenneth exclaimed.

"Sorry, my dude, didn't go to the store before my parents left." I told Kenneth.

"He has an appetite like a Snorlax." Taylor chimed in.

"How about I make you one of my world famous 'Sammichs'. I'll even use the good bread." I told my hungry friend.

Kenneth agreed and we ate lunch together. We didn't speak much about the Dew problem downstairs. Maybe in truth, we didn't want to think about it. It was a scary enough day. A dark day. A rainy day.

Ka-Chow!

I woke up wide awake. It was dark by 9 a.m. The three of us had fallen asleep in my room. I was in bed, the other two were on the floor.

Kenneth farted. It was spicy. Maybe even a little sour. I'm not sure what he ate, but I don't think it was something we all shared. Earlier that day Taylor fartedededededededed and it smelled normal. So did mine. Whatever the case, it was Gastly, so I went downstairs to the kitchen. Plus my throat was dry and I wanted some water.

I grabbed a clean glass from the diswasher and turned on the faucet. The water was lukewarm, but that didn't bother me. I took nine sips before placing the glass on the counter. Next to it were the three Dews from earier, Kenneth's empty can and the spare two. Something was odd about Taylor's can, however. When I touched it, the can was empty, but it had never been opened; the tab was intact. I located a hole near the bottom of the can. There was still no spill or stains or anything!

"Maybe rats scurried in here because of the stormy weather and got our drinks. Yea, that's it." I assured myself and grabbed the last Mountain Dew.

I saw we had left a lamp on. Before I turned the light off, I took a moment to admire the photos that were framed on the nightstand beneath the lamp. We were all there. On the left stood Big Papa Eugene, on the right was his girlfriend Amanda, and I was in the center. I was so young back then. I looked like a dork holding my first-place Pineapple and wearing my red Adidas. I turned off the light.

Ka-Chow!

I lookededed ogre my shoulder at the flash going through the front door. Two figures stood outside. It was too dark to see them, I could only get a glimpse of their outline. I headed towards the door to get a better look.

NAVIgating around the furniture in the dark was harder than getting through a Water Temple. Maybe even harder than beating Gyorg. 

When I got to the door the figures were gone. "What the..." I said under my breath. Even though I didn't get a good look, the two figures shared a lot in common with Taylor and Kenneth, at least with their shapes. But it couldn't have been them, because moments later my friends came trotting down the stairs. 

"Where did you go?" Taylor asked, his voice hush for some reason.

"To get some water. Why are you down here?" I asked them.

"I thought I heard something." Kenneth said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I didn't hear anything." I told him.

"Me either." Taylor added.

"Well, I heard something. I think it came from the cellar."

"Oh no, I hope it's not more cans going off."

We made our way to the cellar door and slowly openedededed it. 

creeeeeeeeeak

We played roshambo to see who would go downstairs into the dark. Taylor got the short end of the Deku Stick. He took his time getting ready for the journey. Kenneth wandered off into the living room. Said his stomach wasn't feeling good. It was probably for the best.

Taylor finally took his first step into the dark. We had a spare flashlight in a kitchen drawer, so I gave it to Taylor. He made it to the bottom. 

"I do not see anything down here...wait..."

My ears eagerly awaited to hear more. OwO

"There is slime? Looks like it is coming from some cracks in the wall. Just oozing. Must be algae or something. Probably moist enough down here with all the rain."

"Just come back up." I told Taylor. "That...whatever it is...probably caused the noise in some way."

Taylor made his way back up.

"Yea, some gross stuff. I wonder..." But Taylor didn't finish his sentence.

Glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub.

This is what I remember. Taylor was almost to the door. Something green or yellow landed ontop of him from the ceiling. It was liquidy and clear, and gelatanious all at the same time, but eitherway it crushed Taylor. I saw his mangled body and the blob roll down the stairs. I felt my heart stop, but my arms were still working. I slammed the door shut and held in place. I'm so sorry.

"What was that?!" Kenneth shouted.

"It got Taylor!" I was still holding the door. Tears formed at the edges of my eyes and fell to the floor. You didn't need an Astral Observatory telescope to see them. I felt ashamededededededed for closing my friend inside the cellar, and also for crying. Dad said men only cry on the inside.

"Who got him?!" Kenneth continued.

"I don't know, something! Something got Taylor!"

The front door swung open with a loud crash. Wind and rain blew in through the front door. Alarmed, Kenneth and I went check out what it was. But not before I locked all nine deadbolts on the cellar door.

At the front door stood something I could not believe with my own two peepers. It was a creature completely made of liquid with glowing eyes. The creature pointed at Kenneth and reached out to him with its long aquatic arms. I told the creature to stop and I grabbed Kenneth, who was looking more and more like a zombie with each passing minute. I stopped for a moment to think. I needed something that could absorb water. Sponges? Towels? Anything?!

I pulled Kenneth into the kitchen and reached into a cupboard not far from where our two cans of Dew were. I found the thing I needed. A box of Rice Krispies. It was good enough to save a wet phone battery, it was good enough to stop monsters.

The monster was in the living room. I opened the box by tearing off the tab ontop, then I tore open the bag, but in the wrong way. Instead of opening it like a normal human being, I tore the side of the bag. But it was good enough. I took a handful of krispies and tossed them at the monster. The monster shrieked and was trapped within all 99 pieces of the rice snack that I chucked. After locking the front door, I took Kenneth upstairs to my room. We had to hide. Kenneth didn't put up a fight.

Ka-chow! Ka-chow!

The storm was getting worse. How was that possible? The water monster from before had friends, many friends. Outside my bedroom window I could see them all wandering across backyard aimlessly. Kenneth was sitting against the wall pale as a Boo.

"I think I'm dying."

"Don't say that, my dude, I can't lose both friends today!"

"I know. Dying is pretty lame." Kenneth coughed into his hand. "I think they're draining my soul. I'm starting to go insane, I'm having crazy thoughts."

"Like what?" I asked. 

"I just keep getting this feeling like...like everything isn't going to be okay. Like, 9/11 was an inside job. Aliens have visited this world to teach us how to build pyramids. Chemtrails are coming out of planes. On one hand, I don't think Global Warming is real or man-made, but on the other hand I think the government is using machines to create unpredictable and dangerous weather patterns." He coughed again.

"Don't say that!" I put my hand on my friends shoulder. "The only thing that has been proven is that the government spies on us through our smartphones and computers."

I looked back out the window.

"We can't stay here for long." Kenneth warned. "Those things will make their way up here. Sam, what are we going to do?"

"We'll have to go up to the attic..."

"Why aren't we there now?"

"I lost the key in the backyard."

"How?!"

"Resident Evil made me do it! Look, nevermind. I gotta think. Where did I put that key?"

"Even if you could find it, how are you going to get past those things?"

"Remember I was part of track and field?"

"You can't be serious."

"I have to be. I think I can run past all those monsters if I'm quick enough. Gotta go fast. I bet you the key is in that shed."

I began taking off my clothes.

"What are you doing?! I don't want to die like this!"

"I need to be as aerodynamic as possible. Plus, I don't want to get all wet and catch pneumonia." 

I stripped down to my shoes. I kept my tighty-whities on because Kenneth was making a big deal out of it.

I put my leg through the open window and prayed to the Holy Trinity: Shrek the Father, Spongebob the Son, and Lightning McQueen the Holy Spirit.

"You're actually going to do this?" Kenneth asked.

"I have to. See you on the flip side."

"That's so cool..."

It was quite the drop out of my window, but I managed to break my fall with a front flip. I hit the ground running. All the monsters turnededededed and looked my way. I picked up the pace, but I was still too slow.

"Come on! Come on! Faster!" I tried my hardest.

I adjusted so I was leaning forward a bit further, and I moved my hands behind me in a v-shape until I was running like Naruto. To my surprise I was actually going faster. Suddenly my feet started to work on their own. I reached speeds that broke the sound barrier. The force was strong enough to send a few monsters flying into the air. I was like the Flash on Skooma. I was like Dodrio.

I made it across the yard in nine seconds. I stopped, way ahead of the monsters, and caught my breath. I reached for the door of the shed and turned the knob nine times until it opened. Tools, rust, leather straps, blocks. But I remembered, I remembered the day I lost the key. It all made sense. It was based on that one Resident Evil puzzle everyone likes. You know the one.

So I got the key.

I made my way back through the monsters and into the house. Good thing I forgot to lock the back door! I made it back to the stairs, near the door to the cellar where I left Taylor. But the door was open. 

An unsightly creature greeted me. It was green and stupid looking like an Orc, but shambly like the Foresaken. Its head looked ready to explode. 

"Taylor?" I asked it.

"Kill...me..." It responded. "I do not...want to...hurt you...but...I can not...control...myself."

The creature attacked me. I closed my eyes and waited for death.

"Not so fast!" I heard a shout. It was Kenneth using every ounce of his strength to give Monster Taylor a Hitmonchan punch to the face.

Monster Taylor's head exploded like a zit causing a fountain of Mountain Dew and pus to paint the ceiling and walls of my house. Kenneth fainted. I took him upstairs and into the attic. I put him up against a box of our old junk, then sat beside him. A few moments later he was awake. 

"At this rate we'll be Dead by Daylight." He chuckled and pulled out the last can of Mountain Dew. "Pretty cool that we still have one left." He was not strong enough to pull the tab open. I did it for him. I handed him the can. It was his last Dew, sweet like mother's milk.

"Let's just wait here for a little while," I told Kenneth. "See what happens."

Kenneth took a drinkedededededed. "Don't let me become one of those things. Promise me."

I promised him sweet little lies.

Kenneth searched through the boxes closest to him, and I searched the rest of the attic. I found a 9mm pistol with nine rounds in the magazine. Kenneth found an old textbook. He turned to page 99. 

"Have a look at this!" He called to me. I took a look at the page. "It says 60 percent of the human body is water. It's ogre. Game ogre, man."

"It'll spread at an alarming rate." I said in defeat.

"It was ogre before it begun. It's anarchy out there, I bet. Pure Chaos."

The storm was still heavy outside, and we could hear things crawling downstairs. I looked at Kenneth and raised the handgun to his head. Kenneth looked Drowzee and a little less than half-alive. He took another sip of Mountain Dew.

"Kenneth, can I ask you a favor?"

"Might as well."

"Can you say my name one last time, my dude?"

"Your name?"

"I just want to hear you say it one more time. My real name."

Kenneth smirked. "Whatever you want...Sonic the Hedgehog."

Ka-Chow!

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About Boxed Swineone of us since 2:59 PM on 12.11.2012

It all started with Jebediah Swine, a real salt of the earth man who farmed truffles. He was eventually cut down by an angry mob for having coitus with a pig.

From their unholy union came Beelzebub Swine, known for terrorizing the land until his untimely death at the hands of a jealous barmaid. He was later turned into bacon.

Part of his soul was digested and reincarnated as Ichabod Swine, the great detective and specialist of the occult. He said that all that has happened was part of some prophecy to bring back ancient, evil Gods. No one really cared to listen.

Like, eight generations later, there is me.

I am an Eldritch Horror from the interweb long forgotten. Beware as you enter the Palace of Swine!