If there is one thing the The Legend of Zelda series is known for, it's butts. Dungeon crawling, puzzle solving, sprawling worlds, great music; those things are all very nice and all, but it's the butts that have kept people coming back to the series for over 30 years now.
Hyrule Warriors is easily the biggest love-letter to Zelda we ever could have wished for. Appropriately, Hyrule Warriors is also filled to the brim with butts of all shapes and sizes. 29 butts, to be exact.
With so many butts from all over the world of Hyrule coming together in one game, an important question presents itself: how do these butts hold up? Are they good butts, are they bad butts? Just how are the butts of Hyrule Warriors: Deluxe Edition?
Let's find out, shall we?
First up is the butt Zelda fans have undoubtedly seen the most of. Whether your favorite is Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess, Skyward Sword, or Breath of the Wild, we've all been staring at Link's butt for hours and hours. It's a good thing then that this butt is a butt for the ages. A solid butt worthy of a legendary hero.
For this picture I stuck Link in his "Classic" tunic, which means no pants. You're welcome.
Of all the characters in the Zelda series' history, I'm pretty sure Impa has had the most different designs of them all. She's been a butch ninja, an obese thicc circus troupe cook, and several varieties of old lady. Impa is a woman of many butts.
For this game, however, she has chosen to carry the first of two butts that she had in Skyward Sword. While all butts are beautiful in their own special ways, I can hardly blame Impa for this decision. This is a butt you can confidently carry into battle: it is an ass-kicking butt. It's a butt that says "of all the butts I've had, this is my favorite". Good on ya, Impa.
I recall a time when one of the biggest controversies in the Zelda fanbase was: "Is Sheik male or female?"
"Who cares?", I say! Looking at this butt makes all notions of gender or sexuality melt away. It's just a damn fine butt.
Being a ninja, Sheik has a butt that's a great deal more toned than yours or mine. It's a butt finely sculpted over years of rigorous training. Either that or magic shape-shifting skills.
Here we have the first original Hyrule Warriors butt. Being introduced into this rich cast of butts and people, Lana has her work cut out for her.
That being said, I for one think Lana holds up admirably. She's making that skirt sing, and while her butt may not be as firm as Sheik or Impa's, it looks like it carries her well. It's a very practical butt, doing what it's designed to do.
This right here is easily the most famous butt of them all. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild released to rave reviews, and went on to win basically every Game of the Year award under the sun. Certainly, Zelda's butt was one of the primary reasons why.
What makes this butt so much better than other butts? I don't quite know! It's just the butt of a fit young lady, and perhaps that's reason enough.
Now this is a manly butt if I ever saw one. When you see this butt you know it's high time to get the hell out of there, because there ain't no competing with someone who wields a butt like this. There is a sense of raw power in this butt, befitting of the bearer of the Triforce of Power.
I'm not so sure about the hair, mr. Dragmire, but that butt is a keeper.
I don't want to be mean to good old Darunia here, but I honestly can't tell where his back ends and his butt begins. Is his butt also rocky, or is it tucked away somewhere underneath?
Goron anatomy makes no sense.
If The Shape of Water has taught us anything, it's that love can bloom between a human and a fish creature. If that fish creature just so happens to be the Zora Princess Ruto, it suddenly becomes that much easier to see why.
Ruto's distinctive blue hue and frilly fins make her butt one of the more unique butts in Hyrule. She also has no qualms about letting you actually touch her butt, provided you're doing so because you're carrying her around. A slightly weird one, but I'm down with it.
Quite frankly, Agitha spends so much time with bugs and other creepy crawlies that I'm afraid to ask about her butt.
When life takes a big ol' crap on your life and transforms you into some sort of imp creature, you could do a lot worse than ending up like Midna here. While Midna lost a fair bit of height and some of her charming good looks, she has certainly gained in the butt department.
It's a good thing too, because Midna spends most of her time riding on Link's back in wolf form, which I imagine would be a bumpy ride. Midna's butt looks like it would make any ride comfortable.
Zant is a weirdo, that much's for sure. But what about his butt? Is that also weird, or does the butt stay normal even if its owner has gone completely cucco?
Unfortunately, that is difficult to say. Zant seems to be wearing like five different layers of clothing, almost entirely obscuring his butt from view. But you know what? When Zant first removed his helmet in Twilight Princess, he proved to be a bit of a disappointment and not nearly as imposing as he liked to think he was. I have a hunch the same would be true for his butt.
Fi is known for one thing, and one thing only: being incredibly wordy. However, looking at this image I'm starting to question whether that is entirely fair. Fi may be an age-old sword spirit robot thing, but that butt doesn't lie.
Being an excellent dancer, Fi is making her butt work for her in ways that few other characters on this list can match. If you don't like Fi I invite you to rethink your opinions, because this butt is one of the greats.
Ghirahim makes me uncomfortable. You never know if he's making sketchy advances or if he just wants to beat the snot out of you.
His butt is enticing to be sure, and those diamond tights are an excellent tease. If Ghirahim was more predictable this would be a top tier butt. As it stands, it's better not to risk it.
Much like Lana, Cia is making a brave attempt at fitting in between all best butts the Zelda series has ever known. And much like Lana, she's doing a tremendous job.
From the front, Cia always seems like she's trying much too hard to be sexy. That's a great shame, because if that's what she's looking for...well, it's right behind her.
I have to be honest and say that Volga is my least favorite character in Hyrule Warriors. However, it goes without saying that my opinion on character matters none; it is the butt that counts, and only the butt.
That being said...I'm still not impressed. What are you even trying to do with that pose, Volga? You don't want to bend over, so you do this weird squat of sorts? It's not even that though, you're just bending through one knee. And then there's that whole pointy armor plate right down from the butt. If you want your butt to appear approachable, you're doing a poor job.
Wizzro, I'm not so sure you even have a butt. What are you even trying to do here? Come on man, don't make this awkward.
For technically being topless and wearing slave Leia's loin-cloth thing, Twili Midna is surprisingly modest about her whole butt region. Her robe is covering the whole thing, adding a sort of mystique to something that for a lot of people is merely a sitting device.
We know almost everything there is to know about Midna in her true form...except for her butt. An intriguing strategy, to be sure.
Oh Young Link, if only you knew the lengths to which your butt is going to go. Your butt has a bright future ahead of it, that's for sure.
Be that as it may, Young Link's butt is nothing to scoff at even now. In fact, Young Link is carrying two butts in one! In this game he also has the Fierce Deity Mask with him, which transforms him into...well, a fierce deity I suppose. With this new form comes a fierce new butt. But once everything is said and done and Young Link has to go back to his own form, he has a butt worth returning to.
Evidently Tingle has taken some lessons from Superman to heart, as he has taken to wearing his underwear over his pants.
Unfortunately, Tingle is Tingle. My most vivid memory of Tingle is of him charging me 398 goddamn rupees for every map I wanted to get translated. How does one translate a map anyway? I know I said before that character doesn't matter here....but it's Tingle.
Linkle wants nothing more than to be like the legendary hero. With a butt like this, she seems well on her way. While Link himself has raw numbers at his side (in that we've known his butt for far longer), Linkle is making a very good case for herself here.
This is a butt I would like to see in more games. This is a butt that deserves to go out and save Hyrule.
Whoa there, slow down tiger! The ever mischeivous Skull Kid took this whole "butt" thing and ran with it. He's really shoving it in our faces here, not even sparing a second thought to the two onlookers right there next to him.
I quite like the foresty look of Skull Kid's butt. It reminds us of a time when he would just play in the woods; climbing trees and probably falling on his butt a number of times. Nowadays he just wants to wipe out all the butts in Termina, a goal that I strongly oppose.
Compared to Young Link we saw earlier, Toon Link's butt is distinctly...square. I am admittedly not sure how that even works, but Toon Link has achieved an incredible feat in butt sculpting. Does this mean he is even more toned than Sheik, or is he simply drawn that way? I don't know.
What I do know is that this butt has sailed the seven seas. Very few butts could say that they've sat on a talking boat, but Toon Link's butt can say it with gusto. A well-travelled butt, this one.
This butt is the butt of a pirate. That just makes it cooler by default. Do you have a pirate butt? No. You don't.
Tetra though, she has the butt of both a pirate and a princess, combining two worlds that couldn't be farther apart. Any way you slice it, that's just impressive.
If you like big butts (and cannot lie), then King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule has you covered. Up there with Ganondorf and Darunia, Daphnes has a broad and sturdy butt.
It's a good thing too! Daphnes' butt has had to work hard, carrying Link's square stature all across the Great Sea and back again. A royal, regal butt, but one willing to go out there and get things done.
Out of all the characters here, I think it's safe to say that Medli has the softest butt of all. Being part bird, her feathered butt would surely make for a soft pillow.
However, being part bird also means that Medli could fly away in a blink. If Medli likes to keep her butt to herself, she'll just perch somewhere up high and be out of your reach forever. Better to not push your luck and be happy with what you have. A butt in the hand is worth two in the bush, as they say.
Marin is a dream girl. Quite literally in fact. Rather befittingly, her butt also has a certain dreamy quality to it. The flowy dress and the oversized ribbon all add to her girlish charm.
Unlike Zelda's, Midna's or Cia's, Marin's butt doesn't really stand out at all; it's simply there. It's a part of the whole person that is Marin, and that's a great position for a butt to be in. Marin is a fine young lady you would take home to meet your parents, butt and all.
Toon Zelda, being a ghost, technically doesn't have a butt. In The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks somebody steals her butt, and that's exactly the problem!
Fortunately, Toon Zelda is nothing if not resourceful. If you get your butt stolen, you just steal someone else's butt in turn. In this picture we see her inhabit the butt of a phantom. It's a bigger and significantly more steel butt than she is used to. It's not a butt she would strictly prefer to have, but she is making due and she deserves props for that.
Everybody likes bunny girls, that's just a fact of life. But does Ravio really measure up to that mental image of bunny girls he's conjuring up with that hood?
Frankly, I'm not so sure that he does. I'm sure that Ravio's butt is a perfectly fine butt, but that connotation isn't doing him any favors. And when we put him up against these other 28 characters with great butts, Ravio doesn't come out looking his best. On the bright side, with 28 other characters I'm sure he could learn a thing or two. Eventually, he'll get there too.
Wait, what's this? There is no butt here!
That's correct, unfortunately. I can explain, I promise. Do see that little Zelda sprite on the bottom left? That's where I am. And now do you see that bronze medal with a question mark on it at the bottom right of center? That's where Yuga is. This is the hardest Adventure Map in the game, and I don't even know how to get to Yuga yet, let alone unlock him.
It would appear that Yuga really doesn't want his butt to by seen by the likes of us. This means that it's either the greatest butt of the lot, or a truly horrific sight. We may never know.
There we have it! Those were all the butts you can expect to see in Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition. Of course, that's not to say there aren't any more great butts to be found in the series of The Legends of Zelda. There are people like Urbosa and Revali, Veran and Onox, Twinrova, Linebeck, and Groose just to name a few.
However, I do think that the butts that are already in the game were well chosen. We have lady butts, lad butts, fish and bird-people butts, big butts, imp butts, and even some indescribable butts! Whatever you are looking for, there is a butt for you out there in the world of Hyrule.
and I am now officially at the point where "butt" doesn't even sound like a real word anymore.