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LONG BLOG

Cblog Recaps of March 4, 2018 + The Internet Was a Mistake

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Who here enjoys gaming with randos online? I sure as hell don't. And I think it's because you can't. It's impossible. It's no fun, because most people are very much no fun. The No Fun Brigade.

I don't mean to be obtuse here, but roughly 90% of the time I've spent gaming online with complete strangers has been me sitting there listening to people scream at one another while I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. No one would tolerate someone getting on a headset and shouting into your ear on how to flip the page if you were reading a book, or how to more properly pedal if you were riding a bike, or shouting in your ear for literally any other leisure activity on Earth - so why we tolerate this sort of behavior when playing video games online is beyond me.

Imagine the sad, miserable life of someone who does this. I'd like to imagine that they wake up in the morning (definitely fifteen minutes late, and most certainly on the wrong side of the bed); eat a bowl of dry, uncooked oatmeal; wash it down with warm tap water; drive to the local Wawa and shit violently on top of the seat, all the while scrawling their conspiracy theories about the Jews making up the Holocaust on the walls of the stall; call into a talk radio show just to give a contradictory opinion on the topic at hand, even if they don't agree with it; then finally go back home and wait for me to boot up Overwatch so they can shout at me to get on the objective for fifteen miserable minutes. There is no variation to this hypothetical routine - it's just this on loop, day in, day out.

And honestly, if someone is only yelling at you about jumping on top of a car and shooting other people with your imaginary character, you've had a shockingly decent online exchange. Any day you can hop online without being called some sort of racial epithet or homophobic slur (or if RNGesus really has an ax to grind, some sort of combination insult that hits all the major Fox News sociopolitical hobgoblins) is a good day. What a time to be alive.

So I ask yet again - why do we tolerate this? And why is it that any time we bring it up, someone comes out from the woodwork to fart out some weaksauce defense that it's part of some sort of gaming "culture," where we're meant to either defend people being total shits with our lives, or denounce the hobby all together?

I'm not here to promote some hippy dippy notion of world peace or all of us getting along or blah blah blah. I'm here to just ask that if you go online to play video games, be cool.

And please stop having sex with my mom.

* - Our good friend Bass has put up a review of popular indie video game Owlboy! I really like how he goes into the particulars of the story, really focusing in on Owl Boy's intentions and what it means to be a single white woman with Shingles in Puerto Rico. Only twice in my life have I felt the crushing pressure of the ocean engulfing my very being, squeezing the air and life out of me until the almighty hand of God himself lifted me from the icy waters to place me safely on the road to perdition. It's not a feeling I want to experience again, but Bass really hammers home how important it is to give yourself to nature in order to feel truly alive.

I don't know how you could walk into a Sheetz, smell the Shnackerz, and decide that you need to write on the bathroom wall how Asian people aren't real. What is it about gas station bathrooms that bring out the loons?

I once saw an entire mural depicting the Trail of Tears in a rather unflattering light in the bathroom at a Royal Farms. Their fried chicken is pretty good, so I'm not sure why anyone would be so upset with Native Americans in that bathroom. It takes all types, I guess.

I - Welcome CheeseVillain to the Community. Seems like a nice enough fellow, but a few very similar-looking blogs have popped up over the last week or so with very similar subject matter and writing. Please say hi to help ensure this person is a Real Human with Real Human Emotions (TM).

D - Donley Time is back with an update on the development of their new game, which is headed to Xbox One. So you know, if you like games and have an Xbox One, maybe keep your eye on this one. Or not. I'm not your dad.

I've gotta be honest here - I've seen things in bathrooms at Flying J's that I wouldn't dare recount to you. I don't often have to visit Urban Dictionary just to find the meaning of a word, but when I do it's usually because I had no choice but to visit a Flying J's bathroom. This one I kind of get.

R - This is one of those afore-mentioned very similar blogs. JBlaze talks about some random stuff like Dragon Ball and some sort of pet BitCoin thing.

Every single person in 7-11 looks like they're got some really racist thoughts going on in their heads. To be fair, 7-11 is pretty horrible. But still, no reason to put that kind of stuff on the shithouse wall, ya know? It's like, just buy your $3 extra large pizza and keep that shit to yourself.


How do you feel about chatting with folks in online games? Do you think it's time to start cracking down on people being shitheads just because they can? What is it about gas station bathrooms that attracts racist graffiti? Write some blogs, folks. Queef your word-thoughts into the collective gaping maw of Destructoid.

FPotD

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About CblogRecapsone of us since 11:27 PM on 07.02.2008

About Cblog Recaps

Recappers Schedule:

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9/23 to 9/29 - NeoTurbo
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[YOUR NAME HERE] - We want you!

Current "Bloggers Wanted" assignment

Just for Kicks

There are so many aspects of a story that tend to get overlooked, but one of the hugest is the trusty sidekick. These characters are mostly subjected to simply being the butt of a joke or only exist to service the narrative, but they help immerse players in the world, and they’re too often forgotten in favor of the star of the show.

For instance, look at Clank from the Ratchet & Clank series. This adorable robot spends the majority of the game strapped to Ratchet’s back and mainly works to further gameplay, but the experience would not be the same without him. Even if it’s only for a brief moment, he even gets his own playable segments in the newest reboot of the franchise. This little guy means a lot to me, and it’s tough not to love him.

Then, of course, there are annoying fucks like Navi in Ocarina of Time. How many times can you scream, “Hey, listen!” before I start daydreaming about strangling you until you’re but a distant memory? In Navi’s case, I’m going to throw out an arbitrary number and say twenty-three. I get why Navi exists, to help lead players in the right direction and offer vague tips, but holy fuck do I wish someone had the common sense to delete that bastard fairy from existence.

For this month’s Bloggers Wanted, I want to hear about your most memorable sidekicks and companions. It doesn’t matter why you remember them, whether love or hate, but I know there are plenty out there that folks are passionate about. Hell, you could even talk about the cute, furry little creatures that all of the best developers put in their creations, like the floating death machines in Castle Crashers. I don’t care if their story is written into the script or it’s part of your own headcanon that only exists inside your sick, twisted, totally fucked up brain. Lay it on me, y'all.

To participate, head over to the community blogs and format your title as “Just For Kicks: [insert title here].” If it’s good enough, there’s a chance that you might even see your words grace the Front Page of Destructoid!



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