I have a problem. It's not my alcoholism or anxiety or excessive masturbation (though these should probably be addressed at some point if I'm expected to live [outside of a jail cell] past 37), but instead my problem with old games. My problem? I like them way better than new games.
In fact, I hate new games. They're just so...new. Yuck. Why the hell would I play something shiny and new, like Monster Hunter World or Star Wars Battlefront II or any of that crap when I can instead download Destroy All Humans! on my PS4 and spend all Sunday afternoon playing that? Or when I can play Dead Rising 2 for the eleventh time and play that awful poker game essentially entirely out of spite for my free time and self-hatred for my best interests? Or when I can existentially shout, "Fuck the police!" by playing Sneak King alone in my spare bedroom while my wife watches Law & Order: SVU marathons downstairs?
New games are stupid. I can't stop playing old games.
And I don't know why. Maybe it's the warm embrace of familiarity that appeals to me so. With something new you have to learn all its quirks and systems, and honestly with what little time I have allocated to gaming it's not something that's very appealing to me. I know Dead Rising 2 - I don't have to spend any time relearning anything about it. Even if I don't know specific locations of things or exactly what's going to happen at any given point of time in the game, I know what to expect. And there's something really comforting about that.
Or maybe instead it's that most new games these days don't exactly catch my eye. I still like gaming and really enjoy everything that comes with the hobby, but games today are just too clean. Homogenized, really. Since your average video game costs roughly a billion dollars to make and needs to sell at least 3.5 million copies to even break even, there's simply not a ton of jank like there used to be. Take the games I've already mentioned - they're super janky. Damned near broken at some parts. And I love that about them. I get bored of everything being a tower-climbing simulator where you hit Triangle to counter incoming attacks and Nolan North voices your snarky protagonist. Sometimes I want to lug around seven NPC's with the worst AI in the history of the medium. I want to give a forced-into-marriage-by-a-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath-with-a-pig-head-codpiece bride a dildo and let her bonk the undead over the unhead with it. I want to play a game where the online co-op character is literally just a clone of the main character.
If you read those last couple of sentences and didn't become sexually aroused at the prospect of such a game, I don't think we can be friends.
I really think a lot of the magic in gaming is gone now that it's become such a huge industry. I know you can list seventeen games to counter my point off the top of your head, and I know the indie space is doing some cool shit right now - but I don't have time to play seventeen new games, and if indie games can ever stop emulating SNES titles and maybe do something that isn't pixel art design, maybe I'll start paying more mind to them.
In the meantime, I'll just fire up my PS2 and wonder why we ever thought The Bouncer wasn't the greatest game of all time. Because it is. And we were wrong.
* - Rabid Walrus makes his glorious return after a five-year hiatus to argue why Resident Evil VII is a work of Shakespearean brilliance. It's hard to argue with his points, and it really makes me want to see a Resident Evil VIII where Chris wrassles that bioweapon barber who fucked up his sick fade.
Destroy All Humans! isn't perfect, but it's charmingly janky in its old-school open-worldness.
Heavy Rain is essentially Jank: The Video Game. It's wonderful and I hate it and love it.
Could you imagine Mr. Mosquito being made today? I can't, either :(
R - Join Goemar as he pre-reviews upcoming PSVR game Moss, a game that seemingly does not really benefit all that much from being in VR. Goemar makes some good points about this game that comes out in the future, but I think he's part of the biased future games media. #EthicsInHypotheticalJournalism
I'm pretty sure Sion and Volt are both the names of popular car models. I haven't played The Bouncer since the day it came out, but holy crap what a janky piece of garbage.
I remember going to Electronics Boutique with my mom to get WCW Thunder. The game is so bad the sales clerk begged me not to buy it. I bought it. It's bad, and I still own it to this day.
The X-Men Legends games are hardly janky - but I'd play them both over the shockingly inferior Marvel Ultimate Alliance games.
Blog about your favorite jank in a video game. Or about old games you'd rather play than similar, newer counterparts. Or blog about your earwax - I don't give a shit, just write some blogs. This is fun.