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Cblog Recaps of February 25, 2018 + Out With the New, In With the Old


I have a problem. It's not my alcoholism or anxiety or excessive masturbation (though these should probably be addressed at some point if I'm expected to live [outside of a jail cell] past 37), but instead my problem with old games. My problem? I like them way better than new games.

In fact, I hate new games. They're just Yuck. Why the hell would I play something shiny and new, like Monster Hunter World or Star Wars Battlefront II or any of that crap when I can instead download Destroy All Humans! on my PS4 and spend all Sunday afternoon playing that? Or when I can play Dead Rising 2 for the eleventh time and play that awful poker game essentially entirely out of spite for my free time and self-hatred for my best interests? Or when I can existentially shout, "Fuck the police!" by playing Sneak King alone in my spare bedroom while my wife watches Law & Order: SVU marathons downstairs?

New games are stupid. I can't stop playing old games.

And I don't know why. Maybe it's the warm embrace of familiarity that appeals to me so. With something new you have to learn all its quirks and systems, and honestly with what little time I have allocated to gaming it's not something that's very appealing to me. I know Dead Rising 2 - I don't have to spend any time relearning anything about it. Even if I don't know specific locations of things or exactly what's going to happen at any given point of time in the game, I know what to expect. And there's something really comforting about that.

Or maybe instead it's that most new games these days don't exactly catch my eye. I still like gaming and really enjoy everything that comes with the hobby, but games today are just too clean. Homogenized, really. Since your average video game costs roughly a billion dollars to make and needs to sell at least 3.5 million copies to even break even, there's simply not a ton of jank like there used to be. Take the games I've already mentioned - they're super janky. Damned near broken at some parts. And I love that about them. I get bored of everything being a tower-climbing simulator where you hit Triangle to counter incoming attacks and Nolan North voices your snarky protagonist. Sometimes I want to lug around seven NPC's with the worst AI in the history of the medium. I want to give a forced-into-marriage-by-a-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath-with-a-pig-head-codpiece bride a dildo and let her bonk the undead over the unhead with it. I want to play a game where the online co-op character is literally just a clone of the main character.

If you read those last couple of sentences and didn't become sexually aroused at the prospect of such a game, I don't think we can be friends.

I really think a lot of the magic in gaming is gone now that it's become such a huge industry. I know you can list seventeen games to counter my point off the top of your head, and I know the indie space is doing some cool shit right now - but I don't have time to play seventeen new games, and if indie games can ever stop emulating SNES titles and maybe do something that isn't pixel art design, maybe I'll start paying more mind to them.

In the meantime, I'll just fire up my PS2 and wonder why we ever thought The Bouncer wasn't the greatest game of all time. Because it is. And we were wrong.

* - Rabid Walrus makes his glorious return after a five-year hiatus to argue why Resident Evil VII is a work of Shakespearean brilliance. It's hard to argue with his points, and it really makes me want to see a Resident Evil VIII where Chris wrassles that bioweapon barber who fucked up his sick fade.

Destroy All Humans! isn't perfect, but it's charmingly janky in its old-school open-worldness.

Heavy Rain is essentially Jank: The Video Game. It's wonderful and I hate it and love it.

Could you imagine Mr. Mosquito being made today? I can't, either :(

R - Join Goemar as he pre-reviews upcoming PSVR game Moss, a game that seemingly does not really benefit all that much from being in VR. Goemar makes some good points about this game that comes out in the future, but I think he's part of the biased future games media. #EthicsInHypotheticalJournalism

I'm pretty sure Sion and Volt are both the names of popular car models. I haven't played The Bouncer since the day it came out, but holy crap what a janky piece of garbage.

I remember going to Electronics Boutique with my mom to get WCW Thunder. The game is so bad the sales clerk begged me not to buy it. I bought it. It's bad, and I still own it to this day.

The X-Men Legends games are hardly janky - but I'd play them both over the shockingly inferior Marvel Ultimate Alliance games.

Blog about your favorite jank in a video game. Or about old games you'd rather play than similar, newer counterparts. Or blog about your earwax - I don't give a shit, just write some blogs. This is fun.


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About CblogRecapsone of us since 11:27 PM on 07.02.2008

About Cblog Recaps

Recappers Schedule:

10/28 to 11/03 - NeoTurbo
11/04 to 11/10 - Lord Spencer
11/11 to 11/17 - Zalno
11/18 to 11/24 - Lord Spencer
11/25 to 12/01 - Salador
12/02 to 12/08 - NeoTurbo


Mike Martin
Kevin Mersereau
Chris Moyse
[YOUR NAME HERE] - We want you!

Current "Bloggers Wanted" assignment

Costume Party

When it comes to October, it's pretty easy to come up with an idea for Bloggers Wanted. Halloween presents a lot of options. People will start playing horror games and marathon scary movies, but then there's the ultimate question for the day itself:

"What am I going to wear?"

Costumes are, after all, at the very heart of Halloween's fun. Whether you're playing a game with a canon character like Lara Croft, Spider-Man or a customized character in Monster Hunter World or an MMO, you're still faced with the question of what are you going to look like. Sometimes you even have stat bonuses to further complicate things, while other games have made it so you can have all the lovely stat bonuses and still make something that looks nice to you. Some folks even take this all huge step further and will realize such costumes for real-life cosplay.

As someone that posts often about Final Fantasy XIV, I have spent countless hours obtaining all kinds of armor, weapons and accessories from various corners of the game and only for the reason of it looking cool. In fact, once I have a job at 50, I feel obligated to give each of my jobs a fanciful glowing weapon before I press forward.

And then I give each job their own little pet sidekick, because I have decided my character is a Disney princess. Then I write macros that give them a blend of super sentai/Sailor Moon transformations because henshin a-go-go, baby!

But, if I'm honest, my one true love in regards to outfits in the game is the Invalician Samurai set, which I got from the Rabanastre raid. The design is pulled right from the Final Fantasy Tactics' art concept of the female samurai and is wonderfully realized.

But sometimes looking good comes at a price, too. I remember my favorite look for my Corsair in Final Fantasy XI required me wearing pants that reduced my movement speed by twenty percent and some of the best stat-based builds in Monster Hunter can make you look silly.

So this month's topic for Bloggers Wanted is costumes. Whether the costume is realized in-game or in real-life, we'd like for you to to discuss your favorite creations or tributes to characters, whether it's a custom look, a canon character or even a character skin like you'd find in Overwatch or Fortnite. You can discuss cosplays you've done, or cosplayers you admire. You can even talk about the plights of stat-based function over fashion.

The sky is the limit on this one, so head on over to our community blogs and get to writing! Use the prompt "Costume party: [Your title here]" and be sure to place "Bloggers Wanted" in the tags!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have get Bayonetta dressed up. She's heard about everyone and everything becoming Princess Peach and she would like to remind the world she was ahead of the curve on that.

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