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Cblog Recaps of February 25, 2018 + Out With the New, In With the Old


I have a problem. It's not my alcoholism or anxiety or excessive masturbation (though these should probably be addressed at some point if I'm expected to live [outside of a jail cell] past 37), but instead my problem with old games. My problem? I like them way better than new games.

In fact, I hate new games. They're just so...new. Yuck. Why the hell would I play something shiny and new, like Monster Hunter World or Star Wars Battlefront II or any of that crap when I can instead download Destroy All Humans! on my PS4 and spend all Sunday afternoon playing that? Or when I can play Dead Rising 2 for the eleventh time and play that awful poker game essentially entirely out of spite for my free time and self-hatred for my best interests? Or when I can existentially shout, "Fuck the police!" by playing Sneak King alone in my spare bedroom while my wife watches Law & Order: SVU marathons downstairs?

New games are stupid. I can't stop playing old games.

And I don't know why. Maybe it's the warm embrace of familiarity that appeals to me so. With something new you have to learn all its quirks and systems, and honestly with what little time I have allocated to gaming it's not something that's very appealing to me. I know Dead Rising 2 - I don't have to spend any time relearning anything about it. Even if I don't know specific locations of things or exactly what's going to happen at any given point of time in the game, I know what to expect. And there's something really comforting about that.

Or maybe instead it's that most new games these days don't exactly catch my eye. I still like gaming and really enjoy everything that comes with the hobby, but games today are just too clean. Homogenized, really. Since your average video game costs roughly a billion dollars to make and needs to sell at least 3.5 million copies to even break even, there's simply not a ton of jank like there used to be. Take the games I've already mentioned - they're super janky. Damned near broken at some parts. And I love that about them. I get bored of everything being a tower-climbing simulator where you hit Triangle to counter incoming attacks and Nolan North voices your snarky protagonist. Sometimes I want to lug around seven NPC's with the worst AI in the history of the medium. I want to give a forced-into-marriage-by-a-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath-with-a-pig-head-codpiece bride a dildo and let her bonk the undead over the unhead with it. I want to play a game where the online co-op character is literally just a clone of the main character.

If you read those last couple of sentences and didn't become sexually aroused at the prospect of such a game, I don't think we can be friends.

I really think a lot of the magic in gaming is gone now that it's become such a huge industry. I know you can list seventeen games to counter my point off the top of your head, and I know the indie space is doing some cool shit right now - but I don't have time to play seventeen new games, and if indie games can ever stop emulating SNES titles and maybe do something that isn't pixel art design, maybe I'll start paying more mind to them.

In the meantime, I'll just fire up my PS2 and wonder why we ever thought The Bouncer wasn't the greatest game of all time. Because it is. And we were wrong.

* - Rabid Walrus makes his glorious return after a five-year hiatus to argue why Resident Evil VII is a work of Shakespearean brilliance. It's hard to argue with his points, and it really makes me want to see a Resident Evil VIII where Chris wrassles that bioweapon barber who fucked up his sick fade.

Destroy All Humans! isn't perfect, but it's charmingly janky in its old-school open-worldness.

Heavy Rain is essentially Jank: The Video Game. It's wonderful and I hate it and love it.

Could you imagine Mr. Mosquito being made today? I can't, either :(

R - Join Goemar as he pre-reviews upcoming PSVR game Moss, a game that seemingly does not really benefit all that much from being in VR. Goemar makes some good points about this game that comes out in the future, but I think he's part of the biased future games media. #EthicsInHypotheticalJournalism

I'm pretty sure Sion and Volt are both the names of popular car models. I haven't played The Bouncer since the day it came out, but holy crap what a janky piece of garbage.

I remember going to Electronics Boutique with my mom to get WCW Thunder. The game is so bad the sales clerk begged me not to buy it. I bought it. It's bad, and I still own it to this day.

The X-Men Legends games are hardly janky - but I'd play them both over the shockingly inferior Marvel Ultimate Alliance games.

Blog about your favorite jank in a video game. Or about old games you'd rather play than similar, newer counterparts. Or blog about your earwax - I don't give a shit, just write some blogs. This is fun.


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About CblogRecapsone of us since 11:27 PM on 07.02.2008

About Cblog Recaps


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Current "Bloggers Wanted" assignment

The heel-turn

Last week, in the quick posts of Destructoid's community, we saw the rise and fall of community manager Wesley J. Russow. He rose to prominence with his immutable power, only to see it come crashing down as the working class clambered beneath him and tore him down. Truly, the life and times of Westopher G. Raggamuffins was a lesson in live fast, burn hot, crash spectacularly.

Wes went from community darling to lovable despot over the course of a few days. It was a thing of beauty to behold. Truly, nothing is better to witness than a real-life heel turn. Wrestling is nothing without these terms after all. A "Face" is a good guy wrestler who fights the man, stands up for the little guy, and fights fairly while still winning. A "Heel", on the other hand, is a despicable, dastardly villain or even anti-hero. I loved Kurt Angle's antics as this gold medal Olympic winner turned wrestler who wasn't necessarily as likable as his gold medals imply. I loved hating that guy! A good heel is fun to hate, and there's nothing quite like the gasp of shock when watching the turn, when a face uses dirty tricks and turns into a heel.

Let me ask you this: is Kratos a hero? Before we see Kratos return in what I'd call Dad of War, let's not forget Kratos’ sordid past as a hero. In the first game, it was a revenge tale. It was a story of a mythical Spartan warrior who wanted revenge on the God of War who betrayed him. But as the series went on, it became a story about the lengths Kratos would go to justify his vendetta against people who wronged him. He would literally destroy the world just to destroy his enemies. Sure, we played as him, and we were taken on a ride, but would you really put your bet behind him and say, "Yeah, look at that hero!"

This month's Bloggers Wanted is about your favorite heel-turns or anti-heroes (in case a heel turn is too specific). Do you like it when Ryu turns into Evil Ryu? Or maybe you like Injustice, with its built in heel-turn Superman? I won't claim to understand the time line of Revolver Ocelot between Snake Eater and Guns of the Patriots, but I love that knucklehead.

To participate, just start a blog in our community section and title it "Heel-turn: [your blog title here]." Write to your heart's content, and if its up to snuff, you'll see your stuff published on the front page! Just remember, you're telling us about your favorite heel-turns and anti-heroes, not becoming one yourself, like Wes. Rest in spaghetti, never forghetti.

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