So have you guys heard about the whole lootbox thing? Holy hell fun times! So, far be it from me to keep piling on. I mean would I seriously be deranged enough to jump on this lootbox train? You bet your sweet buns I will.
Companies in the real world are looking to get in on this lootbox craze. I mean why not, gamers love them so the real world will too! We're totally trend setters peeps! So I'm going to take a look at some real world areas that are looking at lootboxes. This is all totally true. I have an uncle that works in each one of these industries so I have insider information (legally I have to tell you now that I'm pulling all of this stuff out of my ass and my uncles don't work in these industries but just go with it damn it!).
Take out food
Did somebody order the lootbox? What would be more fun than looking over a take out menu and instead of having to make a decision, let the fate of the lootbox decide for you! Come on garlic chicken, give me garlic chicken! Ooooooh, looks like you ended up with cashew chicken, sorry, that'll be $12.99. Oh you're allergic to nuts (insert witty, yet sophisticated testicle joke here). Too bad for you, the loot box hath spoken! What kind of pansey is allergic to nuts anyway??
Now this is something that is near and dear to my heart. I know you're all with me and can't wait until the lootbox craze enters our bathrooms. Where's the toilet paper you ask? Well put in your credit card and we'll give you a nice lootbox. Oh tissue paper. That's tough to take. I'm sure you'll get that cleaned up after 3 and a half hours, no worries. Oopsy Daisy, looks like you got the sandpaper one instead. Hey, you know what, I've heard exfoliating your bum hole with sand paper is the most liberating feeling in the world.
How have lootboxes not become a high for pharmacies yet??? I mean I feel like these fit together like Vadicta and Mr. Tacos. A match made in heaven, where heaven is filled with amazingly disgusting and tasteless acts of sexual experimentation. Anywho I digress. I mean call me crazy, but I long for the days when I go to pick up my pills for the flu and lo and behold, the lootbox pops up. Lucky you, you got Viagra for your flu bug. You know the old wives tale saying right? Sweat out a cold, wank out the flu.
Movie Theater Tickets
We've all been there. So many comic book movies to choose from, how do I choose??? I can't take the pressure. Well not anymore not that the movie industry gets in on the lootbox craze. For just $15 you can get a lootbox instead! Did I get Thor tickets? Nope. Star Wars? Nope. Ah hell this is crap! I got the new Ryan Gosling and Amy Adams love story (Secretly this has now become the best day of your life because everyone needs more Ryan Gosling inside of them).
You've all heard the saying bring a knife to a gun fight. Well now you don't have to worry about that. Give it time and you'll be able to bring a lootbox to a gun fight. You know what strikes fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere? A man willing to use his credit card on a lootbox that's what. And what did we get? A nice solid vibrator! Let's be real here, in a gun vs. vibrator fight, who's going to win? I think we all know the answer here. Everyone wins!
Notice how I call it sexy time? That's how you know I'm hip and know what I'm talking about. Anyway, things are getting hot and heavy and it's ready to go down when wait, lootbox time! Insert credit card and for $59.99 you can have some surprise sexy time creativity. Open up the lootbox and your piece you were working on is replaced by Richard Simmons! How lucky are you! Instead of that hot piece you met at the bar, you're now playing tummy sticks with Richard Simmons! Win and win!
I know people are getting pretty bent about what's been going on with EA recently. I just wanted to add some levity to the situation and I hope I didn't offend or upset anyone. But you know what, my uncle who I don't talk to any more works as a receptionist for the army and plays solitaire on his computer for 6 hours a day for all our rights to lootboxes, so if you're mad at me, just remember him.