For a long time now I've browsed and posted on many a site, from Destructoid to the Escapist, Dark side of gaming, VGchartz etc, but within any of those sites, I feel I'm not a part of said communities and I have a good idea as to why.
I just don't fit or gel with any of those communities, primarily because I do not share the same interests with the crowds who share a like for a few games between one another. With me, I do often display a liking for some games here and there, but it's usually the games that aren't always AAA or not even remotely as popular as others. What else ended up dawning upon me in recent years was the fact that, whenever I expressed an opinion that clearly wasn't popular (unless it was some silly meme post, which isn't saying much), it would be met with amounting comments on how I'm a "bad person", "literally the worst" and an "asshole". To me that tells me that 1) I'm not welcome within the community, and 2) I shouldn't say anything that's unpopular and what doesn't appeal to the larger crowd. To me that says enough of what I am to a community, that is to say absolutely nothing, garbage even, that's generally how I feel whenever I express an opinion and I've had that on my shoulders for years.
I was raised to speak my mind, to never back down in the face of hate and vitriol, here I am, feeling like garbage because I feel like I cannot fit in anywhere. I've already lost a parent back in January and that honestly hit me hard more than anything, because she was the one that taught me to express my thoughts and opinions, but all that tells me now is that was completely the wrong lesson to have been taught, that the community is always right. If I don't agree with the community I'm basically wrong and that's generally the message that ends up being sent across over and over to a point where it's honestly become a numbing kind of feeling.
I want to belong somewhere, I've had that yearn to belong with a community since I first joined the Escapist, but over time I generally felt like I couldn't belong to that community, let alone anywhere else unless I conformed to what that community would like me to say and do. I see this in common society on a day to day basis. You say something the bigger crowd doesn't like and they will oust you on the spot, say something they love and want to hear and they will praise and laugh with you. To me that just tells me that I cannot be myself, that I cannot be a person, because being myself means I won't belong, it means I won't be able to express myself because if I do I'll be ousted and deemed an utter garbage asshole.
Part of me wants to find an answer, but the other half just tells me that it's not worth the effort, because the same people, the same crowds that have always disagreed with me, will never forgive and never learn to tolerate, it's just better to label someone on the internet as utter garbage and never regard them as a human being. I'm well aware that people like to argue "what you speak can have consequences", but that honestly comes off more as a threat to retaliation to what another has said rather than actually tolerating it.
I want to continue posting here, but in general I feel like it wouldn't matter, because I'm some random nobody on the internet that crowds clearly do not like. I could post a meme that gains 10+ upvotes, but that's really because I posted a meme people can laugh at, when I speak, the opposite happens, so in general I'm not liked for what I say, I'm only liked when I post a meme here and there. No one would truly care if I died tomorrow (besides family and friends) let alone if I stopped posting on here.
I'm sorry for the vent blog, it's my first one all in all, but I honestly needed to get this off my chest for a while now. I know I'm alone with how I think and there isn't much I can do about it, unless I become something I'm not in order to appeal to a larger crowd, but that's not something I'd want to do. I guess I don't belong anywhere and never will, that's just the reality I'll have to live with.