My life would be an awesome video game. Maybe I'm biased...maybe a bit. But still, I think it'd be a damn fine video game and I'd play it in a heartbeat. First things first let's get a couple things out of the way. 1. My life's video game would be an Xbox exclusive. That's right peeps, I march to the beat of my own drum so I'm gonna be different. Also call me Microsoft, I know you have some game openings. 2. This will be a linear game. None of that open world shit that's become an epidemic lately. 3. Daniel Craig will voice my character. He just will, end of discussion. 4. Spoiler alert: I'm not even the hero in my own video game.
Act 1 The Early Years
It is September 6 1985 and I have blessed the world with my presence. No doubt, there will be nice QTEs to help push me out that canal. Press X to pass placenta. Some cut scenes showing how I grew up in rural Pennsylvania and somehow made it to grade school
Once in grade school the story will pick up. I'm about to the shock the world here...but I was a nerd. I was skinny, I wore big ole glasses, and I'm still not convinced my voice has dropped to this day from the high pitched squeak of grade school. The picture I'm painting here is of a geek, nerd. Do you get me?
Along with this nerdiness, came the inevitable bullying. Kids can be cruel. The cruelness probably explains my totally rational fear of anyone under the age of 20. Anyhow, in Act 1 the boss will be one particular bully. I'll call him Shredder, due to my love of the Ninja Turtles and my choreographed air fights I still have to this day with Shredder. I'm a nerd people, some things won't change.
Shredder called me names like four eyes, nerd, geek, all of the classics. Being young they hurt. I tried to avoid Shredder to no avail. Along came my Uncle Bob. We all have that crazy Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob had the great idea that if I stood up to the bully, he'd knock it off. I'm convinced to this day that Uncle Bob was working with Shredder and if he wasn't, plot twist, he will in my game.
Thanks to Uncle Bob I walked right up to Shredder and after he called me a name, I came right back at him and no joke called him "poophead" and pushed him. Let me tell you right now, standing up to the bully is bad. Bullshit idea people. F you Uncle Bob! Just press B to ignore Uncle Bob! Act 1 ends with me wearing my undies on my head and my head also in the toilet.
Act 2 The Depression Monster
A cut scenes will follow reaffirming the nerd within. White guy dancing at high school dances, going to homecoming with my cousin ( but a hot cousin. She was like a solid 8). High school turned to college. This part will be filled with a mini game of me playing Halo ala Uncharted and Crash. Since the Halo group was the only place I felt comfortable, this will be an important part.
As college came to an end, I became more and more down. I couldn't talk to women and was antisocial. I couldn't tell you what an actual real life naked wan looked like, but I could sure as hell draw a diagram of every Halo 2 map. I was at a dead end job and the dpression monster was fighting big time.
No doubt the depression monster will be modeled after the gaping dragon only not boring and it won't suck.
Just as things are looking bleak and your health is dropping, along comes the hero of the story. The most badass hero around. The hero's name here will be "The Wife". She'll show up just in time to kick that depression monster ass. She will single handedly defeat that monster and put things right and send good ole Dere back on his path to success.
Act 3 Make Today Count
Act 3 will take you to where I am now. A middle aged man child, who's lucky enough to have the hero living with him. The hero who combated bridezilla and was the most down to Earth Bride ever. The hero who helped with fighting the anxiety monster that came along with the depression monster. The hero who always pick you up after those horrible days with the evil boss who fashions himself as a charicature boss ala the Far Cry series. The hero who has kicked more ass than any hero in gaming history. Hey I'm not a huge fan, but at this point my game will become a walking sim as I'm just walking along, seeing and being excited to see what comes next. Make today count peoplr
One other thing I forgot to mention. My life's video game isn't over yet. Me and "The Wife" still have plenty of stories and bosses to fight. We're fighting our hardest boss yet right now, but hell yeah the wife is kicking ass. I can't wait to see what acts are coming up next. Will there be an act set in a new home? I'm sure there will be boss battles with shrinking bladders and most likely the dreaded irritable bowel boss. Regardless, I can't wait to see what comes next in my game and I can't wait to see what new moves "The Wife" will have in store for whatever big bad comes next.