I went to a great show last night. Mainly folky, indie rock with a poetry reading in the middle. The kind of thing I enjoy; and always wanted you to. I'm starting to not think that way anymore. I'm starting to get over you.
I fucked up. I don't know I'm going to live anymore and I don't know how to apologize the right way. Because it's not only my fault but you refuse to see that but also I started it so who the fuck am I to point fingers. You're happier now. Life is looking up. The sun is rising and my girlfriend loves me and I work at my job and life is getting normal again. Life without being your friend is becoming a familiar space to occupy. I'm on the other side of the shittiest fucking week of my entire life. And i'm not ready.
I feel so much guilt. I used to point at people and say how oh they're bad. How do they live their lives how are they so stupid that they don't know they're wrong. How can you live such a paradox. Well, I know. I know there are nights you're so fucking tired and you're so fucking sad that you say somethinng without thinking. Something that as soon as you type you run back to and try to scrub out. Something you didn't mean, because why the fuck would you mean it but you said it and you should be held responsible. My girlfriend isn't even mad anymore. She's forgiven me. And she's so incredible and we're back to where we before. We're happy and we're in love and I'm happier than anything I can describe when I talk to her. But then the bad times come back to haunt me. And I guess I would just like to know how do I live with the bad times? How do I live with regret and guilt and sadness and not knowing if I need to be blamed after you manipulated and broke me down enough. Because you did. Jesus christ did you. It feels like a cop out but dude. Fuck you. And the relief that comes with that is like the relief that comes from a good drag of a cigarette after a while or a sip of vodka on a night when you said you weren't drinking but fack it I don't get drunk I have fun. But you're a terrible person and it's silly and redundant to say it. I mean hell, who else would try so hard to break up my girlfriend and I. Even after she knew about it and we were working through it. You meetkatted your head up and said "well clearly I can work harder." But you didn't win. Or maybe you did. Because I'm writing this aren't I?
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm not talking to you ever again. But I need help. I need to know how to live with guilt and regret like this. Guilt and regret that I shouldn't feel. Because I objectively weren't at fault. A therapist and 3 mutual friends agree, you're a fucking scumbag. Maybe this was all the therapy I needed. I'm not sure. But my girlfriend is still the love of my life, Mass Effect 2 is still a great game, and I know soon I'll be able to say I'm still happier without you.