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LONG BLOG

[NSFW] Using Rumpology to predict E3

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Warning the following blog contains lewd imagery and pictures that may upset or disturb those of a sensitive disposition and as such you entirely open this and carry on reading at your own risk. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Ok so it's time for me to make predictions about stuff that will show up or happen. Also with no Laura K Buzz on Dtoid anymore I don't feel like I'd be stepping into anyone elses area doing this one. So using the ancient art of Rumpology (the art of predicting the future via butts) I will attempt to predict some of what we'll see and what will go on round E3. And yes this does mean I'm quite literally pulling this out of my arse.

So let's begin. I see I see...... I see I shouldn't have borrowed a fake prosthetic butt from the reservists shed because someone's stuck an Amiibo up it. Seriously who sticks and Amiibo up a butt?

Right I'll have to work using other butts.

I see a fading person who claims to be a pop culture critic saying some really stupid and ignorant things on twitter.

I see Polygon doing a piece on how they sat and count how many of the presenters were women and how many of them were people of colour and how it's just not good enough for the games industry.

Ok that's the two obvious ones any-one could predict out of the way so now for some more specific predictions.

 So further predictions

I see Microsoft will show off an upcoming side scrolling beat-em up in its indie games selection called raging justice. Look it's coming I know it is and Microsoft will want something to fill its E3 line up. Look I saw the game ages ago, I know it's real and I know it should still be coming.

Microsoft will also announce Fable Legends is releasing soon having kept it still ticking over secretly in development.

Sony on the other hand will reveal Timesplitters Re-wind is coming to the PS4. Come on it's been in development for so long!

 Sony will also announce and show off Naughty Dog's Jack And Daxter remastered collection which includes all the games even the PSP / Vita ones and JakX racing in one collection

We'll also get to see more of David Cage's new game Detroit no doubt.

 In the future I see we will see the first ever E3 streaker this year as the event is open to the public and they'll do it with the words "RESIST THE MILLITARY INDSUTRIAL COMPLEX" written on their body in neon red pen. Look E3 is due a streaker after this long and this year it won't just be supposedly "well behaved" journalists, it'll be the public too and well it's bound to happen sooner or later.

I see that Madden's story mode will cause controversy because you'll be given the option to sit or kneel during the playing of the national anthem should you choose to want to protest. However it will not see you punished for beating your spouse or animal abuse. See I managed something topical about sports ball, didn't expect that did you?

I see Bioware's new game will be a pseudo MMO based round faction warfare where players choose between one of three faction two of which will be nightmares and the guardians of the dream palace.

 I see that this years E3 will feature no mention of crabs. For those who have been paying attention year after year on E3 there's been some mention of crabs one way or another but I predict this year will break the streak.

From extensive divination based on observations of the above image I see Nintendo will announce and show off the next Smash Brothers game. This I predict because we know they need something still to announce and while a new Pokemon game is where the safer money is they're going to be worried about saturating the market and while Pokken Tournament DX would make some sense they'll not want to overshadow the release of Arms. Hence they'll announce a 2018 release for the New Smash Brothers Game.

I feel that Ubisofts conference will be a shit show. The lack of Aisha Tyler will hurt the conference and could even signal some kind of change in direction for Ubisoft or bigger issues at play with the intended direction of the conference.

And my final prediction. Red Dead Redemption 2 will appear at E3 but not on any of the major console shows. Instead it will appear as a shock reveal during the PC gaming conference. Either that or my research to compile butts for this C-blog has exposed me to too many pictures of people in assless chaps.

So yeh that's my prediction and as is customary I've uploaded some E3 Bingo cards for you to download and use should you wish to have some kind of E3 party at your house.

Also before it's asked yes that image in the header is a picture of my own butt in my boxer shorts with the text overlaid over it.

Oh and special thanks to Hypno Coffin for the Occams banned overlay image 

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About Dwavenhobbleone of us since 8:33 AM on 06.19.2012

A qualified Environmental Chemist who happens to live in a fairly dense city with no real environment or chemistry industry.

I review indie games on another blog and you'll see them pop up here if I think the review is a good or interesting one (along with a shameless bit of self promotion)

I also operate another blog reviewing films and I mean t pick that back up when I can.

I've been gaming since the SNES days. I've been in the pro scene before for tribes 2 but hate the present pro scenes and have no interest in going back into it.

I tend to get into quite a few Betas and love ones without NDA as it means I can write about them. I have even beta tested an xbox 360 game in my time (and no not a normal public Beta one )

In gaming I'm normally the guy looking at the shelf below the AAA titles first to see if there are any great hidden gems.

My gaming drug of choice: Timesplitters in any flavour (Why won't you make Timesplitters 4 Crytek, why ????? I need my fix of insanity )
Xbox LIVE:hobblejp
Steam ID:dwavenhobble


 

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