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LONG BLOG

My E3 Wishlist

   0

Because I'd have to be dreaming for any of the following to happen.
I'd have to be dreaming to think any of this could happen.

 So, E3 is soon, yeah?  I honestly don't pay much attention any more.  The game industry has gotten kind of dumb, someone is always butthurt about something, and my backlog is already so long that I doubt I'll be able to finish it unless I spend every moment of my retirement playing videogames (which is the plan).  Still, there's some things I would love to see, if videogame companies had the fucking wherewithall to accept that I am always right about these kinds of things.  Without further adieu, here is the list of things we'd see at E3 if there was any goddamn justice in the universe.

 BINARY DOMAIN 2

Did you miss this one when it came out?  I can't really blame you for that, a lot of other people were dipshits too.  This was, hands down, the best 1st or 3rd person shooter of 2012, and also one of my favorite games of all time.  When I first discovered it I played it through 6 times in a row to get diffferent endings and because it's an absolute blast. The best description I can give you is that it's the Blade Runner of videogames, but that's not quite right. It has a very arcadey feel once you get into the swing of things, along with an amazing relationship system that affects the story, and killer gameplay (just make sure you turn off the voice commands). Back in the Radio Destructoid days I called out games journalists for barely taking notice of this and the ones that did for not shouting praise from the rooftops. It deserved so much more.  Go buy it on Steam or find it used, now.  You won't regret it.

My reaction if this were anounced at E3:

 

StarTropics (sequel or reboot)

For a game whose mechanics were a mesh of simplified Final Fantasy and Legend of Zelda, this game became greater than the sum of its parts. I think in time this will go down as a classic of its age, along side the aforementions games, and also greats like Dragon Warrior, Mother, and Ironsword: Wizards and Warriors II starring Fabio.  Instead Nintendo convinces us all we really WANTED Mario V Rabbids or whatever the fuck they called it. And next they'll succeed in selling suckers a headset for their app for your phone for their game and probably get away with it, but that's another argument for you to be wrong about later. StarTropics is dope as fuck. Go emulate that shit and see for yourself: you'll never enjoy whooping someones ass the same way after you've done it with a yo-yo. Oh, and the code for the submarine is 1492.  You'll probably need that.

My reaction if this were announced at E3:

 

General Chaos

 Technically I think this had a reboot at some point, but I didn't play it so I can only assume it sucked ass. I've had my ear to the ground for news about this one for a long time, so any remotely good news about it would have crossed my desk. I had this and the 4 player Genesis adapter when I was a kid and played the shit out of it. Mostly alone, that's how fun it was even in single player and I was already developing into a degenerate. A few years later in high school, I installed a Genesis emulator on the library computers so I could play during study hall. A goofy little war game, it's basically the grand daddy of small squad games. 1 screen, 10 men, 17 testicles, and a whole lot of death and destruction.  Give this a shot, and I guarentee it'll become one of your go-tos when you only have a few minutes to game.

My reaction if they announce this at E3:

 

Zombies Ate My Neighbors.

I meant shut up, you KNOW you'd play the shit out of this. Make it similar to EDF and you've got yourself a game.  

My reaction if they announce this at E3:

 HONORABLE MENTIONS:

 StarTropics x Defjam - Mike Jones enters an underground hip hop fight club to take the title of Mike Jones from Mike Jones.

Binary Chaos - The humor and gameplay of General Chaos with the visual style and squad control of Binary Domain. If you've played both you just creamed your jeans, Paco.

A fucking StarFox game, jeez.

Mario 64 2

A medieval Final Fantasy

A walking simulator at least as good as Firewatch.

My reaction if they announce all these at E3:

- You know what ol' Jon Bloodspray always says at a time like this?


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About Jon Bloodsprayone of us since 3:07 PM on 01.08.2007

I used to throw the best NARPS this site had ever seen when NARPs were still a thing. I was a host on Communitoid/Radio Destructoid. I was a forums Admin(I will never get over the loss of the forums). I've donned the helmet on several occasions. For a brief, glorious moment I was the U.S. Community Manager. I still hold the factually correct opinion that Destructoid should never have hired anyone that wasn't a community member first.

My top 10 games in no particular order:
World of Warcraft
Binary Domain
Mario 64
Ms. PAC-MAN
Mega Man 2
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Final Fantasy 6
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
Halo: Combat Evolved
REZ

Follow me on twitter: @ConorElsea
Facebook: Conor Elsea
Xbox LIVE:Jon Bloodspray
Steam ID:JonBloodspray
BattleNET:[email protected]
Mii code:dunno


 

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