Hello. How is your night? Good I hope. This is going to long and pretentious. Let's get into it.
I wrote a list of my favorite games. It was an excellent experience. Yet I'm not happy with it. And I never really will be. To understand why is to understand my brain. My brain works very systematically. I think up lists and things of that nature to get through my days. It's why RPGs mean so much to me. It's why I want to get into game design (more on that later). But it's a list that changes. New experiences makes me look at art differently. And most people will ask why it matters that I always edit it to make sure that it reflects how I feel, and I don't know why. But I know that when I edited it today I felt so much relief. I felt like now people saw the real me. Which is weird. I think it has a lot to do with my identity issues. I'm still a starry eyed teenager who is still finding their way in this weird world. But that will be talked about more later on this. I guess the tl;dr for this is my favorite list will change lots. So sorry.
Love is weird. I know it. You know it. We all know it. And the weirdest part is that my love is blossming into something amazing with my girlfriend and it's perfect. And it's weird to me. I'm not used to things being good. I'm used to pushing my rock rolling down the hill after I push it up, but it settled. And it makes me happy and scared. I'm happy things are plesant. I make another person happy and she makes me happy as well. But I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck it up. And I'm scared that my paranoia around the relationship will push her away. I say sorry so much and I'm scared for when it stops being my cute quirky self and me being annoying. I don't know. Maybe it'll go away and I'll be used to it. But is being used to it good? I'm so ready to put up my shields to deflect people hurting me that I push away the wrong people because of it and I really don't want that to happen. I guess that I just really don't want to stop making another person happy. Because making her laugh is the best thing ever. Feeling so cared for and so accepted is the best feeling of all time and I just don't want it to end. But I think our love is strong enough. I deep down really really do believe that. Because at the end of the day she's there. And I wake up happy and excited for the day. And I'm also an optimistic person. So let's just hope for the best. Because I love this girl more than any video game, and that's saying a lot.
How about for something lighter? I've been very driven lately. I have lots of game ideas. And I'm starting to look at colleges for game design. My passion has been so strong and I love it. I've been learning coding, I've been messing around with things like Game Maker and Mario Maker and things of that sort, I've been watching and rewatching excellent YouTube series and channels on game design like Mark Brown, Extra Credits, and HBomberGuy, and most importantly playing video games. It's been a great time. I just feel like I can do anything for once and it's crazy awesome.
These past few weeks have also really hammered in that I'm growing up. My first job interview is soon, the end of another year of high school is coming quickly, and real adult life isn't that weird an idea to me anymore. It's real, it's in sight. And I'm scared and excited. I want the responsibilty but also, am I ready? I'm getting older and that means moving out and being my own person soon, but then that's it. It's not like I can become an adult and then say o shit nevermind and poof back to my teen years. No, I'll be there and this isn't something I can slow down or stop. I just have to go with it. I am ready to go for it. I'm ready for real life. And to conclude this, I have a lil story.
It was a Tuesday, and it was a rough morning. I hadn't taken my meds, my parents were fighting and stressing me out, I was stressing out over school stuff and most importantly, I was fucking hungry. So when I made it to third period which was art, I decided I needed a muffin. Now, breakfast at my school stops around halfway through second. But I needed food dammit, and I'll be damned if I didn't try. So, I made my pilgrimage to the cafeteria. People passed by and I could feel their irritation. The tone of the school just felt so down. But, I still made it to the cafetaria. I walked into the food serving area. And there it was. One last muffin. Sitting in the center of the muffin tray. And it was banna. My favorite kind. And it was still warm. And a smile came to my face. I felt this amazing warmth when I grabbed that muffin. And the school felt warm and amazing and welcoming. And everything made sense. I realized. The universe isn't against anyone. It leaves out what your favorite muffin when it knows you need it. You just have to get up, and go find your muffin.