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LONG BLOG

Publisher SCREWS Gamer over?? (GONE SEXUAL)

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We have weird fucking relationships with videogame publishers. We as gamers want to have healthy relationships with them, but most of the time they just disappoint us in one way or the other, eventually breaking out hearts. Sometimes I think that we’re in a manipulative relationship with publishers. Day one DLC, broken PC ports and unfinished games are all symptoms of a relationship that, if I’m being frank, is shallow and meaningless. Hell, I think for some publishers, we aren’t even in a real relationship! We’re a hookup, and they just want to play with our funbags for the night.

I don’t know why it’s this way. Pysch! I totally fucking know. The literal price of gaming ‘aint cheap, and given how personal of an activity gaming can be, it ups gamer
investment into the product. It creates a personal relationship with the publishers, and that relationship can get pretty distorted over time.

Well, this weird relationship gets me thinking, you know? What would it be like to have sex with a publisher? After all, gaming is all about feeling good, getting in the zone, and trying to reach the end before you have to call it quits and go to work. There’s no better comparison, and the time is now for us to explore this weird metaphor in a very literal way.

Strap in and strap-on folks, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.

 

 

EA

EA fucking sucks. They’re the perfect example of a heartless corporation that just wants your cash, and having sex with them would be really weird. EA would watch you creepily from across the bar, before finally deciding to make their move over to you. He’s fit, and attractive, but is a total jock. EA would say something like “Girl, I’m gonna blow your mind” and you might believe him for a second there. You figure, fuck it, how bad could sporty-spice be, right? You get back to his place and you finally get to see the goods. It’s not bad, his dong is a good size, but you realize he has no hair on his body and he doesn’t have a natural scent. Like nothing. You were expecting that it might smell just a little bit like balls, but nope, nothing. You also see what you think is a barcode on his neck which is kind of weird. So you start fucking and it’s….alright, it’s okay, but it’s so vanilla. EA only does missionary apparently because the last time he tried to do a unique position he didn’t cum as hard, so trusty missionary it is. You feel like you’re about to climax when he suddenly stops and asks you for $10 if you want to finish and you’re appalled but you’re not leaving emptyhanded so you do and your orgasm is still just…ok. As you’re lying there on the bed, you notice that EA is already dressed, and just walks out the door. Kinda strange if you ask me. All in all it was an okay lay, but the way EA acted was just weird, and you’re still wondering why they didn’t smell like anything. Might be better to whip out the dildo next time honestly, you could do a better job yourself.

 

 

Ubisoft

Ubisoft is a step in the right direction, but much like my own pair of tits, ends up feeling like a mixed bag. It starts out well though, Ubisoft is eyeing you from across the bar and smoothly advances towards your place at the bar. What’s more, he’s got this cute French accent that you absolutely dig. Likely because it reminds you of TheBlondeBass, and the mere thought of that guy makes you wet as fuck. Ubisoft starts whispering sweet nothings in your ear, telling you all about how much they love the way you look. Then they actually pull their phone out and show you a picture of their dick, and it looks incredible! You’re so stoked on the idea of this guy laying you down that you leave the bar right then to go bounce on your boy’s dick. You ask if they want to come back to your place, but they demand that you come over to theirs for some reason. The two of you pull up to Ubi’s place and weirdly enough, all of the lights are off. There’s hardly any furniture inside either. After asking Ubi if he just moved in, he remarks that he’s actually been living there for almost 5 years. Who the fucks puts so little effort into the place that they live for such a long time? Fucking weird. Anyways, you both git nekked and you realize that his equipment is not nearly as big as it seemed in the picture. Maybe the angle was off…or something? Regardless, it looks way worse than when he initially showed it off to you. But oh well…you’re already there, you might as well make the most of it. You start making love and it’s interesting to say the least. Ubi fucks you from 8 different positions, panting and moaning while he does…but not all of them really…work? He gets points for trying new things, but you can’t help but think that it would be nice if the execution of that piledriver was a bit better. He finishes, you don’t. You get up to leave and he says that the next time you two will hang out that he’ll have some new moves to show you. You tell him to nail the basics before trying any of that other shit.

 

 

Microsoft

You see Microsoft in the club, and honestly, the lighting in the place is shit. You’re not sure if he’s 25 or 45- wait, nope, nope he’s definitely 45. Granted, he’s looking good for 45; he’s in shape, has a full head of hair, and is wearing a killer blazer. It just seems like he would’ve been a lot more attractive about 15 years ago. Well, the past is the past I guess. He stumbles over to you and before you can say anything he blurts out, “HI!” just a bit too excitedly. His breath stinks of gin & tonic, clearly letting you know that he's been here a while. Still, even though he doesn’t look like he’s in the best of shape, you’re willing to give this distinguished man a shot. You ask him if he wants to go home with you, and before he even says yes, he asks you to pull out your ID to confirm that you are who you say you are. Frustrating, sure, but you chock it up to insecurity and pull it out. With that, you're on your way to the dicking. You get back to your apartment, already in the thick of it, when he starts setting up a fucking camera in the corner of the room. “UMM, NO WAY!” you tell him, flustered, and he turns to you and says that it would help him feel safer. You won’t budge, so he tells you that he won’t record anything….but he won’t let you put the camera away either. What a fucking weirdo. At this point, you just want to get it over with. Surprise surprise! He only knows how to do like 2 moves in bed. Granted, he can do them well, but you can’t help but be a little disappointed. You feel like you’re gonna climax, and then....he loses his erection completely. Microsoft blushes, and assures you that this doesn’t happen very often. You suspect it does. Upon awakening the next morning, Microsoft is gone, probably having a Bloody Mary somewhere, rethinking their entire life.

 

 

Nintendo

Nintendo isn’t like all the other hookups you’ve had. He’s different. Nintendo started out as just a one night stand, but slowly evolved into something more, a partner, a lover. You’ve had great times together, but it’s been a while since they could truly satisfy you. Maybe they lost touch with themselves for a bit, you’re not sure. It seemed too personal to ask. One day, you get a call. It’s Nintendo. They ask if you want to go get drinks. You’re hesitant at first, but Nintendo has never actively done you any wrong. And you have history together, some of the best times of your life were spent with Nintendo. You agree, and you start to do your makeup, and get ready to meet.

As you’re driving down the highway, you start to reminisce. At one point in your life, you were certain that Nintendo was the one. They were so original, full of humor and life. You thought that they could be the one. Hell…deep down, you know they still are. No one else has ever cared for you in the way they did. You look out across the highway and watch the sun set over the bay, and hope that this time, things will be different. This time, it’ll go perfectly.

You see him standing there, with a warm smile across his face. He’s aged, but so have you. It’s not like it was when you were both still young. Both of you sit down, and start catching up with each other. It starts out lukewarm, but within 10 minutes you’re both laughing and reminiscing together. The glow from his rosy cheeks brightens you day, and you can feel the warm gaze of his eyes gently drifting across your body. You know it’s time to give them another chance. You propose maybe…getting an Uber back to your place. Nintendo smiles and says, “I’d love that.” As you Uber pulls up, he whispers something in your ear that makes lighting strike inside you heart and reverberate all across your skin…..

“My body is ready,” he says.

As soon as you get home, you tear off his clothes, giddy with anticipation for the saucy lovemaking journey that you’re about to embark on together. He spreads your legs, and slowly, with just enough force, penetrates you. It’s just like it was all those years ago. This is more than just sex, it’s unadulterated love flowing between two people. You both finish at the same time…happy, at long last. You cuddle in each other’s arms as he holds you tight against his hot chest.

And this time, you pray to god that he never lets go.

 

 

Okay well enough of that. I hope you all enjoyed this strange and perverse blog. I conceived it when I was drunk, and wrote it when I was drunk as well! Hopefully that explains some of this, haha.

Until next time my lovelies, I’ll see you around!

-Load of Bollocks

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Drew Stuart    
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About Drew Stuart one of us since 3:19 AM on 12.22.2015

Drew Stuart (aka, Load of Bollocks) is a writer, thinker, hijinker...and uh, sandwich maker? He is a writer for both Destructoid and Flixist, and loves to tell jokes. Sometimes they're good.

When he isn't writing online, Drew's pursuing his Journalism degree at College. He wants to get into Games Journalism full time once he graduates, so that he can type loudly and sit proudly at his desk.

Writing in third person is weird. I can't keep this up.


This beauty was created by the always wonderful Daangus Targus

Look, I'm a gamer from Washington who loves to write, and I'll be doing it ad infinitum. I'm way into FPS', RPG's, and a few flavors in between.

Here's a list of my favorite games in no particular order.

Prey
Metal Gear Solid 3
Dark Souls
Bloodborne
Banjo Kazooie
Fallout: New Vegas
Dishonored 2
Half Life 2
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
Bioshock
Halo 3
Mass Effect 2
The Witcher III
Pillars of Eternity
Yoshi's Island
Resident Evil 4