Hello All. I welcome you on this fantastial journey you and me are about to take.
I have decided I am going to attempt to play a game (complete with lots of wonderfully crafted, in no way doctored, or staged screenshots) that I haven't reeaaallly played that much.
This time, I am going to try my hand at running a park in Roller Coaster Tycoon 3. I bought a while ago off GOG, but I never really sat down and played it. The apparent redheaded step child of the Roller Coaster Tycoon series. Now, a bit of background first. I have had quite a bit of experience with the first two and their expansions. I think they are excellent games, but haven't really tried dabbling in the third one all that much.
So, let us delve into the horror that awaits us. Close your eyes, no not really, you need them to read you dolt! Crack open an overpriced beverage that you thought you got on sale, kick back, and cringe as things collapse into chaos around me. Or turn out completely normal, we shall find out!
Without further ado:
You're all bunch of cheerful bastards. Wait till I get my hands on you. (Unrelated note: that man looks like Bill Clinton)
Okay, so I ended up starting out with a place called Vanilla Hills or something like that.
A clean slate and all that nonsense. I can hear the birds singing their cheerful notes, the trees gently swaying in the wind, and the squirrels happily chattering away. GET OFF THE BIRD FEEDERS YOU BASTARDS! THE FEEDERS ARE FOR THE BIRDS. DON'T YOU HAVE NUTS TO FIND?! I quickly called the exterminators. They will make short work of those overgrown beady eyed rascals.
After disposing of the bushy tailed rats, I immediately set out to build one of those high intensity rides. What better way to attract folks to your park than to promise a guaranteed way to knock ten years off your life and get the adrenaline pumping? It's a flawless plan!
The Sky Sling! I figured I couldn't go wrong with one of those rides where it slings you up into the stratosphere constrained only by bits of string and some wire! The hapless fools! Sadly, no one was launched uncontrollably into the Earth's atmosphere. Much to my chagrin and the relief of the Park Inspector. However, my plan did have a slight flaw in it. As all theme park gurus, both virtual and physical, all know what comes after being hurtled through the air, to what your mind thinks is almost certain doom. Yup. Mouth sewage.
Gross. Just gross. Take it auh-way now! It also kinda reminds me of the Gerber baby food: Pureed peas or something like that.
This is getting out of control! I began to panic as more and more folks doubled over emptying the contents of their food sacks onto the once pristine walkway. As you can see, I not only built a restroom, but a handy dandy First Aid house! Alas, even with the added emergency services, people still were having issues keeping their stomachs contained within their body. I figured maybe it was the music selection:
Maybe. Jury is still out. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I, therefore, waged an all out war on the ever increasing wave of human mouth waste. It went badly for a time. Morale suffered, park satisfaction plummeted, it plummeted faster than the Miami Dolphin's playoff hopes. (Sorry not sorry, 'phin fans!) I began to grow desperate.
WALK AROUND IT, YOU IDIOTS, NOT THROUGH IT!!!! BARBARIANS! WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN!??! HAVE YOU NO COMMON DECENCY?!
Wait. Why are you just standing there next to a puddle of your own sick. You're disgusting.
Are you seriously not going to move? This MUST be a cruel joke from Barbara in Accounting.
You disgust me. Sweep her away, now PUH-LEASE. Even the blocky dude with the weird hair agrees with me (George from Marketing, he refuses to get a haircut no matter how many memos are issued).
I had to bolster my ranks, since the high intensity rides were pounding my visitor's sensitive food holders. So, I had to call in reinforcements.
I quickly had them set about cleaning the repulsive orifice junk. I uh I got a little carried away with the names.
MY aggressive campaign against the dreaded cavity heavers seems to have paid off. Although it may just be a temporary lull in the war. I am sure the customers will find new ways to vex me. I think I have had enough excitement for one day. But I shall continue later on, where I delve into the fascinating world of...finance. Can I keep my park afloat? Nonchalantly gliding over the backs of heaved over regurgitating visitors? Or will I end up sinking in the very same vomit I valintally pledged to fight? Tune in next time on Gus' Mediocre Attempt at Various Games!!
Thanks for reading!
As a bonus, here's a rock. Not just ANY rock, Jurassic Boulder 4: