With a knot in my stomach and a tear in my eye, I say goodbye to the planet known as Destructoid. I learned much about the universe in my travels, but learned even more about myself in the process.
With the nose of my ship aimed for the heavens, I take one last look around, and thank my lucky stars to have encountered such a strange and wonderful place. I power up my boosters, take aim, and zip into the planet's atmosphere, leaving the planet a better place than I found it. Through the stratosphere I soar, higher and higher until I'm in the vastness of space.
I zoom past comets, meteors, rocks. Planets, suns, galaxies. Days pass by. Weeks. Months. After a certain point, one begins to realize that time is immeasurable - a human construct to make sense of the unknowable. To define the indefinite. To overtake God. For without the concept of time, man has no measure of the world, and is forced to admit defeat to the forces of nature spinning untamed all around him. Though he acts in defiance, man is but a slave to nature, powerless in the struggle.
As I contemplate this and life's myriad other mysteries, the radar on my ship goes crazy. Blinking lights and a chorus of beeps scream for my attention on the console in front of me, all working in unison to deliver a very clear message: Life is near! My focus shifts to the issue at hand. I deftly maneuver through the minefield of errant space-rock in front of me to discover a brand new solar system before me. An array of messages flash on the screen in front of me, my ship scanning the horizon for information on this strange new system. Planets: 5. Moons: 8. Suns: 1. Concentrations of life: 1. Awaiting classification: ...
A yet-undiscovered system with just one planet with discernible life. "Awaiting classification," I say out loud. I'm the first. I get to name this system - and anything within - whatever I choose. Without hesitation I set my navigation system to take me to the nearest signs of life. As I rocket toward my destination, I take in all the galaxy has to offer. "Computer," I say out loud. "Classify new system. Codename: Papa Niero's Way." I approach the new planet, and begin to tremble with anticipation.
System classification updated. Classification: Papa Niero's Way.
I break through the atmosphere surrounding the terrain below. A beautiful scene meets my eyes as I scan the terrestrial tapestry of teals and pinks and yellows - a veritable explosion of color and life. Hurtling toward the surface, my systems begin to scan for concentrations of life. For topographical features. For climate conditions. My thrusters power down, and once again I land on a surface foreign to me. The airlock hisses as it releases me from the cockpit of my ship. The screen blinks in front of me: Newly discovered planet. Awaiting classification: ...
"Computer," I command my digital interface. "Classify new system." I unhook myself from my seat, climb out of the chamber, and jump down to the ground below. I take a gander of the new world in front of me, in awe of the possibilities that await.
"Codename: Outer Heaven."
As soon as I booted up my scanning equipment, I was met by this cuddly little fella. The Ahr Ech is a frog/man hybrid native to this planet. It emits a powerful stench when frightened, and only responds to questions in form of a question. At first it's endearing, but after about ten minutes it starts to get pretty old.
Once believed to be a semi-phallic piece of abstract art erected by a local artist, it was later discovered that AndrePC is actually a sentient lever that grants access to a nearby hidden bunker. It doesn't often get used, though; the first time you tug the lever, it giggles and asks you to do it again. By the sixth or seventh tug, most travelers become extremely uncomfortable, and decide against finding the secrets of the bunker. It has a very thin moustache, and has been asked to not return to the public library.
ArrestedDeveloper grows in bunches of 3-5. When you pluck one from the nest, the remaining buds bicker and argue, blaming each other for the loss in the family. They eventually get divorced, and the younger ones have to decide with which older bud they want to live. They'll harbor some resentment toward the other into late adolescence, when they realize that sometimes life just kind of happens. Finally content, they'll start their own bunch of 3-5 to propagate the cycle all over again. The miracle of life!
True to its name, this flower-like creature spends most of its day singing with its beautiful, natural voice. Unfortunately, Bardley only knows songs by the group Train. The fact that it sounds good can only mask the incredibly bad writing for so long.
This is the first outpost I encountered on this strange new world. What it lacks in infrastructure, it more than makes up for in history; this was the first location of the planet's annual Bake Sale and Talent Show, raising money for sports jerseys for the local elementary school, Barry Kelly Primary and Center for Infectious Diseases. The cookies were remarkably overpriced (2,300 credits), but the entertainment was free.
Often mistaken for a cactus, this rare breed of bird perches in the brush and waits for insect life to land on its pins. It doesn't eat the insect life, but instead uses its special needles to administer a concoction not too dissimilar to truth serum. Once its prey has become intoxicated with the potent chemical, Batthink asks it very personal and prying questions, using its answers as blackmail at a later date.
BPMOmega is a large vegetable species that grows in the plains regions of Outer Heaven. While what protrudes from the surface is massive, its edible root is only about the size of a clipped fingernail (ring finger). It's able to support its own heft due to years of training in yoga and pilates.
When standing upright, BromegaSupreme is more or less a normal rock feature on the planet. It varies in size and general shape, and is otherwise a regular piece of scenery. However, if flipped upside-down, the rock becomes incredibly violent, and after a fierce struggle (sometimes lasting up to thirty minutes) it begins to melt. Once in its liquid form, it eventually solidifies and can be served with rice as an elegant entree.
Not quite dead, and certainly not alive, CharlieWhistle roams in packs along the hillside, moaning and gurgling along the way. It's equal parts terrifying and obnoxious. The only known defense against this abhorrent figure is to coat your eyelids in Vaseline and give it that special look that says, "I saw that you missed the trash bin when you tried to shoot your napkin into it like a basketball, and I couldn't help but notice that you didn't even pick it up." The creature feels a deep, burning shame at this, and will generally relent.
The silos found at Outpost Chizwoz are used to store excess consumer goods. For some reason or another, the indigenous peoples of this planet decided that there would be an incredibly high demand for scratch n' sniff men's underwear. Unfortunately, they did not take into account that most males are already incredibly prone to scratching their underwear-area, and actually enjoy sniffing the natural odors that they produce. Hence, these silos shall remain full of the failed product for years to come.
If this outpost seems particularly ornate to you, it's because it is. The site's founder, Chris Bradshaw, took a very small loan of one million credits and eventually turned it into one of the planet's most recognizable brands. The outpost also has 13 bathrooms, making it one of the most popular and comfortable spots for weary travelers to hang their hats.
There is nothing DeadnBuried here. Don't even bother checking. If you dig underneath this very suspicious rock formation, you will find nothing. Trust me on this one, you'd just be wasting your time. No bitch ex-wives. Nope. I think this formation was named after something completely different, and should not be taken literally. Hey, what's that over there?!
Behold, the illustrious and elusive Dinosir! Embarrassed by its initial lack of discernible mouth, this species is known for its natural instinct to hunt down wild almonds, break them in half, and use the pieces as a makeshift beak. It must replace the beak every six months in adolescence through adulthood to keep up with its growth.
I've been staring at this for about forty-five minutes, and I'm still unable to figure out what the hell I'm looking at. My best guess is a beaver, a rooster, and a crocodile all got drunk at a honky tonk bar, got to talking, and really hit it off. They went back to Rooster's place for some Netflix and Chill, and nine months later a disgruntled stork working for the United Parcel Service dropped this thing off at Rooster's front door. All deny the incident ever occurred, leaving Rooster to raise dwab321 as its own. And yes, in case you're wondering, this is the 321st time it's happened.
Eleven months ago, Elia Pales was fired from its job as Chief Underwear Inspector for the Hanes Corporation for, "Behavior detrimental to the sanctity of fresh underwear" - whatever that means. Elia Pales loved its job, and was heartbroken after being let go. Now, it can only find seasonal work in haunted mazes as a root that looks innocuous at first, but grabs passers-by by the ankles as they step over it. It's emotionally unrewarding, but hey, it pays well.
You know how Greenland is actually really cold, and Iceland is actually really nice? Some smartass named FakePlasticTree in the same exact fashion. It's actually a real, organic tree like you might find in your front yard, or outside the city since they leveled them all downtown. While some speculate the nomenclature is used as a defense mechanism, the truth is somebody was just being cheeky.
Greenhornet214 can fly now, but that wasn't always the case for the species. It has an uncontrollable urge to hurl insults at any creature that may cross its path. The creature being a very weak fighter, this tendency led to many ass-kickings and swirlies, and as you could imagine, this creature has spent many a third period trapped inside its own locker. Flight was an evolutionary event; the species now enjoys the freedom of the skies, safe to say your haircut makes you look like a lesbian Richard Karn with minimal reprisal. Fuck you, Greenhornet214. I like this haircut.
This outpost has a ton of satellite equipment. There are two obvious dishes in the front, three behind the structure, and the tower on top is a radio transmitter. This is because whomever runs the station known as Outpost Heracles the Whoresbane MMXVI is dedicated to finding the widest variety and highest quality of galactic porn, collecting it all from the deepest reaches of space. I don't recommend shaking anyone's hand inside this facility.
Sometimes a rock is just a rock. Other times, a rock is something far more sinister. Something evil lurking beneath the surface, ready to inflict malice and suffering into the populace at a moment's notice. Something with an agenda of hate, and an itinerary of pain. Something so horrible and foul that it could only be found in the deepest recesses of Lovecraftian lore, for the mere mention of it alone would drove mortal men mad, and turn gods into cowering fools in its presence. Indigit41, however, is just a rock.
While its age is listed as "Mature," I can assure you Isuma's personality is not. When I first approached this magnanimous being, it extended its paw out toward me, and rested the very center of it on my chest. When I looked down to see what it was trying to do, it quickly yanked it up and flicked me in the nose. It then pulled out its cell phone and dialed a random number, asking if their refrigerator was running. Though already quite large, it's still got a lot of growing up to do.
JPF720 is one of the hardest substances found on Outer Heaven. Most man-and-alien-made tools are unable to even dent the surface of this rock. This particular specimen has been fractured into several pieces, lending credence to the local legend that a creature roams this planet that is more powerful than any other known species in the universe.
The Keiichi Morisato is a strange geological feature that occurs over the planet's hotspots. When the metamorphic pressure from under the planet's upper crust becomes too pressurized for the surface tension provided by the upper layer to contain, this geographic pustule, of sorts, bursts through the surface and spouts boiling magma from below. It acts as both a cooling mechanism for the planet's molten core, as well as a neat tourist trap bringing in money for the local economy. So far this year, only five-hundred and seventeen tourists have died from the violent outbursts from Keiichi Morisato - down a whole 11% from the previous year!
Outpost Kerrik52 houses Outer Heaven's only spray-tanning salon, and is a popular spot during the planet's cold winter months. The chambers you see before you are equipped with state-of-the-art, full-body tanning booths, fully optimized to reach every single nook and cranny in your body*. The facility also features a luxury spa, if you're into that sort of thing.
*Only applies to bi-, quad-, and quinpedal life forms. Tripedal life forms need not apply.
LaTerry is famous around the galaxy for being the absolute favorite food of most species of dragon. With enough LaTerry, you can lure a hungry dragon down from the skies above to either capture and enslave, or pet and reassure. While most poachers pick the former, it's common practice on most planets to do the latter. Dragons need encouragement from time to time, as well. It’s tough out there for dragons.
Outpost Lex is one of the most exclusive restaurants on the entire planet - and they know it. Complete with rude greeters, snooty waiters, impatient chefs, and a management staff straight from space-Hell, this place really makes you pay (both financially and emotionally) for daring to visit. Just last week I made reservations for 7:00 pm, and when I arrived I still had to wait twenty-five minutes to be seated! I complained, but they told me if I was unhappy with their service, that I was free to leave. I stayed, because I'm weak. Their duck confit is worth it.
The size of Luigiix9 belies its brute strength. Instead of living in caves or hovels, this creature actually finds the closest boulder and repeatedly punches it until enough space exists for a decent living arrangement. Once inside, it also crafts miniature furniture and appliances out of the broken debris - by punching it into the desired shape. It's both a powerful and adorable display.
You know how toward the end of Fall it starts to get kinda cold, and there's a chill in the air and it's really nice? And you know how on the first day the temperature drops to under 50 degrees every old-lady-office-manager goes straight to the thermostat to turn the heat on to 87 degrees, so that even if you are chilly once you leave your house and on the commute to work, the second you step into the office it's blistering-hot and you instantly start sweating, and don't cease sweating until you go back outside where it's 44 degrees, and by that point you're already moist from sweating all day and then the cold air hits you and then you get pneumonia for the seventh fucking year in a row, all because people can't pack an extra sweater when they go to work? Notice the temperature on the bottom left corner down there? Well, it's 35 degree Celsius inside Outpost MechaSlinky. Do not go in there.
When a wild MetemNight reaches maturity, it is said to be one of the most beautiful beings known to man. Until it reaches that prime stage of life, it looks like this. Come back in about seven years and this will be a much more pleasant creature to gaze upon.
Outpost mustbepbs was once one of the most popular hang-out spots on the planet, hosting raucous parties and uproarious shindigs 4-6 nights a week. Since its heyday in the 90s, things have slowed down, though. And now their house band is Soul Asylum. Not many people go there, these days.
nTDYK is a plant-like structure that emits a very powerful light, visible in a two-mile radius. While some find the scene to be one of beauty and peace, it is actually a defense mechanism triggered by the structure when it detects potential threats. If it becomes too stressed, the creature will attend a protest at its local community college petitioning for the staff to do away with the concept of grades, as it is an inherent threat it its graduation status. It's not very popular at parties.
OllieBoy is an infamous space pirate that founded this quadrant's first space burlesque and all male revue. Outpost OlllieBoy is not that establishment. This is just a tribute.
pedrovay2003 is something of a science experiment gone wrong. Created in a lab after a sample of prehistoric dragonfly DNA was accidentally spilled onto a platypus, this genderless creature has no purely natural parents. Since it has no gender, and therefore no sensible genitals, it must recreate itself in a lab under the same circumstances to propagate the species. It is one of the most plentiful species on the planet.
The structure you see before you is not actually PSISomething. PSISomething is a subterranean mole-like creature that uses the pictured vessel as something of a periscope, scanning the horizon for predators. If it sees anything approaching, it will remain underground until the coast is clear, at which point it comes out to the surface to sun its genitals.
r4ind4nce is the land's equivalent of coral reef. Numerous species of insects, bacteria, and small woodland mammals call this place their home. And just like real coral reef, r4ind4nce is receding more and more each year. The only way to help restore them? Donate to the Sarah McLachlan commercials that play "In the Arms of an Angel" over images of sad, abandoned coral reefs looking up at you with the saddest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen. It's the only way, trust me.
Rabite is a stone that uses chemicals to camouflage itself as different objects. It manipulates the chemical compounds that surround its outer layer to create smells or tastes to deter local species from ingesting it. While its capabilities are pretty wide, and it can mimic a vast array of different detestable smells and tastes, it typically just makes itself taste like Burger King menu items, 'cause that shit is nasty.
Outpost Raiku had something of an outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease back a few years ago, and has since been closed down for sanitation. If it strikes you as odd that something could close for several years due to a sanitation issue, let me assure you that this place was absolutely crawling with STD's. While government officials are optimistic the facility will be up and running again soon, experts believe that it could be centuries until the problem is cleared up.
RedSeed does indeed spawn from a red seed, but the seed does not bud from a flower or fruit like one from Earth might expect. Instead, the seed is produced from a ritualistic form of self-masochism in which the plant must manually extract the seed from its own abdomen using one of its own twigs. It's both horrible and sappy. Once removed the plant must uproot itself from the ground in which it stands, travel up the side of the sacred mountain, and plant its own spawn in the infertile, snow-covered grounds at the peak. There it will wait six arduous weeks for the seed to take root. Once the seed begins to bud, the plant will dig it up and take it back down to its natural habitat, planting it in the RedSeed forest with its own species. During the journey, the plant gains a true appreciation for life and comes to accept its own place in the natural order, knowing one day its offspring will attain that same clarity.
RenaudB90 is a rare ore that is only found on select planets. Space miners will hunt far and wide for the mineral, as collectors and scientists are willing to pay a premium for a complete, unbroken sample that is in relatively good shape. Just don't take it to OreStop - they'll give you roughly 4% of what they re-sell it for in galactic credits, which bumps up to 7% if you take OreStop credit. Bunch of hacks.
I'VE FINALLY FOUND IT! After years of speculation and rumor and searching, I've finally found it - the vaunted Hot Dog Tree. I was doubted back on Earth. "There's no such thing as a hot dog tree," they'd say. "Hot dogs don't grow on trees, moron," they'd tease. But after what seems like a lifetime of the Hot Dog Tree being a pipe dream, I've fina-
No, shit, that's just Retrofraction, a cactus or something. The hunt continues.
I was trying to paint a pleasant picture of Outer Heaven, but nope, this planet sucks. This planet is basically Australia, but with a less restrictive government. Look at Roberto Plankton. Just look at it. Could you imagine walking out onto your front porch to get the morning paper, and seeing this thing staring at you from fifteen yards away? Holy shit, no thanks. I tried shooting it, because that's what you do when you see a giant insect-eating mini-cthulhu standing in your yard, but it just squirted something at me from a hole in its back and hissed. I ran inside, locked the front door, and barricaded it with all my furniture.
In case you ever need proof of both the existence of God and His immaculate sense of humor, I present to you Roxas1359 - the creature that can reach around and smell its own ass. I need to use at least two fingers and a quick glance around to make sure no one's looking in order to accomplish that feat!
Outposts Ryuken1-12 had to be destroyed due to an unusual amount of vengeful spirits that seemed to be attracted to the location (on this planet, "an unusual amount" is usually more than 25 or so) on which they were built. Outpost Ryuken13 was moved to the other side of town, so we'll see how the whole vengeful spirit situation plays out. In the three months it's been open, we've only seen seven - so, so far so good!
You know how your grandma would always say, "If you keep making that face it'll get stuck that way!" Well, Sarcastro is the physical embodiment of that phrase, only applied to people who are always sarcastic. Remember, kids: If you spend all your time being sarcastic and snarky, you'll end up as one of...these. Whatever this is. It's not very pleasant, is it? Don't end up like Sarcastro.
Scoobie is a special kind of tree that only blooms once every seventeen years. Here, you see it very close to reaching its full, mature bloom. Once that time arrives, it sprouts flowers that encompass every color on the spectrum (including many unknown to the human eye) and bears fruit shaped like human penises. It's pretty damned funny seeing a tree with a bunch of dicks drooping off of it. Reminds me of growing up in east Tennessee.
Scootaluigi is a distant relative of the Roxas1359, but evolved to completely eliminate the need for a torso. Its digestive tract runs from the mouth, down one leg, through the other into the stomach, and finally loops back around to the anus like most "normal" creatures. Its brain doubles as its heart, and the spikes on its back serve as the lungs, inflating and deflating with the breathing process. It saves money by not needing to wear t-shirts, but it's all negated in the end by having to buy triple the amount of scarves. In that regard, it's essentially this planet's Johnny Depp.
Sephzilla's temperament is listed as "Defensive" because it really takes offense to everything. If you say even the most straight-forward, obvious statement to it, it typically responds with, "What's that supposed to mean?!" Its friends aren't entirely sure why they still hang out with it.
In this rare shot of a Serethyn, we can see its weak points on its stomach! Usually, you have to wait until it's spammed its three different attacks, at which point it roars back for an unnecessary taunt for it to expose its soft spots. Just shoot one spot until it bursts and repeat the process four more times - then it's on to the next level!
What I will tell you is that Shibboleth is a very fragrant plant that is most often used as an air freshener or potpourri in luxury hotels. What I won't tell you is what this planet's large Dinosir Sex Industry uses it for.
Back in 1992 I was five years old. I remember that dark October day like it was yesterday. My mom and dad had been arguing, as usual, but I didn't pay much mind to them; it was more or less ambient noise at that point in my life, I had heard it so much. Finally the yelling died down, and my dad announced he was going to Outpost Shinkz to get some cigarettes.
As I encounter the site twenty-four years later, I am dismayed - they don't even sell smokes! Where the hell am I supposed to go for a cigarette? There aren't any around! No wonder my dad's been gone so long!
Shinta is a prehistoric creature, now extinct, that occasionally surfaces from time to time due to surface erosion. What you see in the image above is the beak of the creature. As you might notice, it had a hell of an overbite. This is because the planet's dental care is roughly on par with what you mind find in England or the American South. It's...not very good.
SirDavies is a poisonous and invasive plant species that nests inside the organs of resting animals and sprouts while they sleep. When SirDavies finds its resting prey, it bites it near the hindquarters, filling it with a venomous toxin that renders it completely inactive (extracts of the venom are found in most commercial BBQ sauces). The plant then invades the sleeping animal (don't ask how) and gestates over a six-hour span. It then erupts from the chest cavity of the host organism and grows into the tall structure you see before you. Once mature, the stalks fall to the ground and slither off to repeat the process.
Outpost SirNinjaFace is the complete and total opposite of a terrifying basement. Look how open and airy and how not-horrifying this location is! The bad news is that once you enter the pod, there's a door that leads to a very dark and very dingy basement that is unfortunately in dire need of a fresh coat of paint. I guess nothing gold can last.
Skwerlyman789 is the perfect size, shape, and consistency to use as fake boobs. As a lark, if you place two of them (of equal or unequal size, depending on the joke) under your shirt, make a pretty face, and strut around wearing high heels but then go home and desperately wish you lived in a more welcoming and accepting environment which would allow you to be yourself regardless of how society views such things while longing for an alternate universe where you were born a woman and got to enjoy all of the things that came with that distinction without fear of your father never talking to you again and your employer keeping you on and accepting your new name "Wendy" without passing judgment. Your friends will get a huge laugh out of the whole affair!
Honestly the algorithms for organic life are incredibly fucked up in this game. Look at that thing. What the hell happened? Why are any of those components constituent parts of a genepool? Why did the perfectly wrong ones all combine into this horrible monstrosity? They didn't put this creature in the reveal trailers, for some reason or another. Probably because NO ONE WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE GAME IF THEY SAW THIS IN A GAMEPLAY SESSION. Most people would have run for the hills. I'm so sorry, Smo5000. It's not my fault.
Sonic429 is the main ingredient in most moonshine recipes, homebrew roofie concoctions, and witches' brews. It just looks the part, ya know? Like it's sinister, or hiding some deep ancient secret.
Steel Squirrel is one of the more intriguing species on the planet, as it's one of the few to experience and convey human emotions. However, it often mixes them up, giving humans who witness them horrible nightmares. It's quite jarring to see something smile ear-to-ear while being devoured by its predators, and typically I'm the only one who looks so sad during the act of mating.
TricerArocK looks like a cactus wearing little Mexican sombreros, and it makes me giggle each time I see it. This is probably my favorite species on the planet.
I don't think I've ever described something as "a stack of pancakes with crab legs wearing a Donald Trump wig," but it's pretty apparent to me that twop0intfive is actually just a stack of pancakes with crab legs wearing a Donald Trump wig. The temperament really holds this image in my head together, too. But once you get to know it, it's actually a really nice guy.
Tyge spends most of its time sitting outside of discount and clearance warehouses, randomly flailing its appendages up into the air before collapsing them back down again. I'm really not sure how it helps to sell things, but I nevertheless seem to always find myself going into those places. It's a true marketing mystery!
From the neck-down, Voodoome is a solid 10. Take a gander at that thing! A nice tail, poochy little body, cute feet - and it even has lanterns on its back! How adorable! I can't imagine any situation where I'd have an immediate need of lanterns on my back, but I also can't envision any scenario where they wouldn't be nice to have. But ho-lee-shit look at that face. It looks like Mr. Potato Head went twelve rounds with Ray Rice in an elevator. This is why God invented paper bags.
Every Tuesday at Outpost worm jerky they hold Customer Appreciation Day, where they take 15% off their goods and collectibles for their Rewards Members. You can usually get a good deal then, but otherwise the prices are a bit high, so I'd recommend going elsewhere Wednesday-Monday. For what it's worth, however, they always have really clean restrooms here. You know how I feel about clean restrooms.
You know that uncle of yours that has been balding for God knows how long, but absolutely refuses to shave that tiny little tuft of hair on the top of his head that he clings to so desperately like it's some sort of life jacket of youth, keeping him afloat on the surface of time before the undertow inevitably drags him to the depths below where he will be forced to reconcile his past with his present and face the man that he has now become? Yeah, that kind of looks like Zalno. But Zalno isn't your desperate uncle. It's just a rock with a little tuft of grass on top. It's actually kinda cute!
...unlike your uncle.
And so, this concludes our tour of Outer Heaven. While most species on the planet have been documented, rumor has it that a few still lurk beneath the depths, waiting for the next explorer to stake their claim. Safe travels, fellow explorers.
[Author's Note: Again, there are a lot of you. If you don't see yourself on either this planet or the first one, rest assured that one day your species will be discovered, and when that day comes you will be documented for the world to see. I love you all.]