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LONG BLOG

Todd Howard's got a dirty little secret, and it's time to shed some light.

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It's been right in front of our eyes this entire time.

(Before we begin, I highly reccommend you listen to Fleetwood Mac's "Little Lies" during the entirety of this article, to set the mood.)

 Todd Howard, Bethesda's own director and executive producer, as well as being a part-time uncredited male model (That's a theory for another blog) is a legend in the gaming community. He's won countless awards for his work on the Elder Scrolls and Fallout series. He's also been known to exaggerate the capabilities of almost all of his games from time to time, an issue he gets a lot of flack for. However, everyone seems to be missing the big picture. Look at a photo of him. He nearly always hold the exact same stare. 

Admire this face.



 Omigosh. How have we not noticed this? Everytime Todd Howard deliberately poses for a photo it always ends up with the exact same result. This has been going on for years, and none of us have batted an eye. Why does he do this? What does it mean? How come I find myself staring back unblinkingly? IN order to answer this question I've come up with a little theory. Everytime Todd looks at you with this gaze, he's actually creating a physiological illusion. "how exactly do physiological illusions work, and how do you expect me to seriously believe this photo is somehow an example of one?" you may ask. It's actually quite simple, physiological illusion is the use of powerful repeated imagery that alters your perception. Technically, it's far more complicated than just that, however all you need to understand is that they usually involve around cool looking patterns of shapes to make you see things that aren't there. They are, in essence, visual lies.

 Now to explain how Todd Howard himself comes into play with my theory. Todd is a master at placing you into fictional worlds with believeable atmospheres and lores so solid even the largest of fans can't find any loopholes within them. Look at that photo of Todd Howard once more. What if we've been looking at that photo from the complete wrong angle this whole time? Perhaps this is just all just an illusion, and we aren't truly seeing this for what it is. Now what could be Todd's reasoning behind such a convoluted plan? We already know Todd Howard has knack for immersing us in false reality, so perhaps he's manipulated us from reality into Todd's sick fantasy. What if Todd isn't really Todd? What if Todd isn't really human? What if we're not really human? Perhaps everything we've worked for in society is mere fiction. Todd has been hiding the big picture behind walls upon walls of false ideals, obstacles created to divide us from discovering the truth. Evolution, Creation, science itself, they're all just barriers masking the truth that's been in front of our very eyes all this time. His face is the key to it all. The second we saw that chiseled face, reality warped into this strange dimension we see before us. 

 The obvious argument against my theory would be history. To that I will argue, "Uhhh... But he made up history too," the unstoppable counter-argument. Columbus? Fake. Napolean? Fake. Tiny Tim? Sadly, fake. All historical parchments and artifacts were carefully placed by Todd to send us on an impossible scavenger hunt. While we're on the topic, admire my sick Photoshop of Todd Howard's face on Napoleon. It took a whole 30 seconds or so to make.

 Now, the real question is, how do we stop this nightmare? Any logical person would say something like, "Why don't we examine the image from a differing perspective?" or, "Stop making crap theories and get a job already son, you're forty-five and you still haven't applied for work," which are both valid arguments... Is what Todd wants you to say. What we must instead do instead is flip this reality on its head by breaking whatever truths we can find. But when truths are impossible to distinguish, we must find something we know for certainty. We know Todd's lies. And we must, I must stress the importance of this message, we must absolutely must make those lies truths. When Todd tells you to see those mountains, and that you can climb to the top of them, do it, I don't care if it's not programmed into the game. Do it! When Todd tells you there are infinite quests, you play infinitely. Never repeat a single objective. When Todd says the game works perfectly, you'd better pray to god it doesn't crash during the opening scene, because you know damn well it does. Todd's lies are the only truths left. Todd's sweet little lies.

- You know what they say, all toasters, toast, toast! - Gandhi


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About Hobolawyermanone of us since 7:49 PM on 10.05.2015

Intelligent? Maybe. Correct? Probably. Worth a second of your attention? Nope, but it's too late to turn back now.

My interests include One Piece, Warriors games, Marvel films, Mario Bros., Persona, Undertale and Team Fortress.