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LONG BLOG

Why SMT Nocturne is my depression game

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Warning: There's some really dark stuff stuff I mention in this blog post. Reader discretion is advised.

So recently we had an article about games we play when we're depressed. My choice was Shin Megami Tensei 3 Nocturne. I brought up this video on Silent Hill 2 being a youtubers depression game and I'll post it again for reference. I suggest watching it but you don't need to to understand this blog post.

http://youtu.be/rnUAJ7cBN8U

Before I get into why it is this game is my depression game, I should explain my back story to give a better understanding of why I consider this game a game I play when I'm depressed and how it reflects me.

I was born with aspergers syndrome and depression. I was that kid growing up. The one you weren't allowed to be around for fear of being an outcast or worse, getting beat up along with me. I was bullied a lot growing up and suffer from PTSD from it. If it was just insults I'd probably be over it by now, but I got beat up nearly every day for any reason the other kids thought was funny. I have scars all over me that I see everyday. I first wanted to kill myself at the age of 9. I did have friends but I barely was around them cause they went to different schools and extracurricular stuff. When I moved to New Jersey I finally made some friends but I was pretty much their punching bag. They always went to hang out and never invited me. Made fun of me cause I was single. That's also something I still have trouble doing, getting dates. In short, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. The day before I turned 18 I was diagnosed with aspergers. The best way I could understand it to me was being autistic yet not at the same time. You can also probably guess that I also have social anxiety as well.

In Nocturne, you play as a being known as the Demi Fiend. A half human half demon hybrid. Just trying to survive in a world with unpredictable demons. I sometimes feel like the Demi Fiend, being able to understand the world and the people around me yet not being able to not get why they act like they do sometimes. Negotiating is a staple of SMT and it's unpredictable, just like how I feel talking to people. I don't know if that Hot Topic employee is gonna lunge at me for buying a Gravity Falls shirt and not a Steven Universe shirt. I worry a customer at GameStop is gonna be mad or offended that I'm buying a JRPG instead of the latest sports or CoD game. I refuse to use Tumblr cause I know since I'm a straight white cis male I'm easy pickings on there(that and its interface is shit). I feel like talking to anyone opens me up to be attacked by people, which is why I hate clubs, bars, concerts, college and raves.

Despite all of this, I still love playing this game when I'm depressed. Its a power fantasy. It tells me that despite the fact that despite me being not normal and normal at the same time, I still kick ass. I'm really good at puzzle games like Professor Layton and the ones in horror games. Despite having little to no music experience I'm a beast at rhythm games like EBA.

Also dat soundtrack.

- Dick pics for all.


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About Raikus Magical Holidaysone of us since 2:44 PM on 07.20.2009